You're kiddin', right?

'Look', said Chris, pointing up at the balcony of our very fabulous store, 'Teddy Bear Woman. Talking to the new security bloke. He looks bewildered. Shame. He'll no get away furra while'.

Who?

'She comes in at Christmas to hand out cards to staff. She's in love wi' Graeme. Imagine anybody lovin' that eegit. Retired army now head of security. Sits on his baggy arse in the camera room'.

Teddy Bear Woman was a new one on me. I watched for a few seconds as new boy made an attempt
to escape. Must meet her. Canny be that bad.

It was a ridiculous time to stay open till. Ten pm. Who the fuck was out an' about to shop till then?
TBW, that's who. Except she wasn't exactly shoppin'.

'Good evening to you. How are things t'night?'.

l cautiously walked towards her, a bit like trying to gadge if that wee puppy will stay put or toddle off as you present yourself to them. What the fuck has she got pertched on the top of her head? A huge polar bear hat. Fucksake. Calm, Dee. Calm.

'This is Teddy Chrismiss. This is Teddy Tumble. Love ma teddies. Mmmmm', she said, cuddling and rubbing her face in the two large, dressed-up bears. One as Santa. Black wellies, red hat an' suit, and clip on grey beard. The other one had pyjamas on complete with dressing gown and slippers.

She was wearing high heeled boots and carrying this old fashioned rectangular brown leather case. Her fitted coat was littered with all manner of 'l love my teddy bear' badges. And to complete the ensemble, on her middle finger was a rather large, sticky out lump of plastic in the shape of Yogi Bear. Gimme that ..

'The tree, that tree. Oh. Isn't it beautiful, Teddy Tumble. So high, Teddy C. Oh. Aw. Let's go look'.

As she picked up her wee leather, beat up case, l wondered what her story was. She talked away to herself in a childlike manner, however her clothes were stylish and she had a pretty, youngish face. Nice teeth. But definitely one sandwich short of a picnic.

She stood gazing and gasping up at the gigantic Jenners Christmas tree, commenting to her furry companions grasped together under one arm.

'Can l take a picture of you all? Stand just there. Yep. That's perfect. Smile', l smiled.

'Oh, yes. We would LOVE that, wouldn't we, teddies. How thrilling. Say cheese. 'Cheeeese'.

And l did. Take their photo. On the phone-we're-not-meant-to-have-on-the-shop-floor.

She eventually wandered off out into the cold dark night, clutching both her precious teddies and leather case. What the fuck was in that. A sawn off shotgun?

She seems happy. Self contained. Might be nice, living in your own world. Maybe not. Folk takin' the piss. Where's she going, l worried.

The guard inserted a big, brass key and the giant shutter buzzed it's way slowly down to the ground.

Another day at the mad house was over.

Until the next time ..