Baguettes - If you see a notice - read it all! (I.P.)

Baguettes - If you see a notice – read it all! (I.P.)

I went into that new Baker’s shop on Eastgate the other day and what a surprise I got because it used to be an old ironmonger’s shop and always had a funny smell about the place but not any more. No, the smell of freshly baked bread coupled with the light and airy look had transformed Scuttles, the former ironmongers, to a shop of beauty. The pale yellow walls and white paintwork together with the beautiful and lifelike paintings of Celebration cakes providing the perfect back drop to the golden coloured Bloomers, the sliced Tins and the crusty Rolls.

Then, on the back wall in a prominent position was a sign which read 'Our Baguettes, white or granary, are made fresh each day.' I had only popped in for a loaf but the baguettes did sound nice until, that is, I caught sight of the cakes! They all looked so scrummy, appetizing and deliciously decadent that it soon became obvious, while my back was turned, my will power had seized the moment and made its escape.

Yes, defeated by four Yum Yums, two Jam and Cream Doughnuts, one Chocolate Battenberg, some French Fancies and an individual Fresh Fruit Tart with Patisserie Cream. That little lot should see me through the week I thought. But I’ll have to hide what doesn’t get eaten today as my husband can be very greedy where cakes are concerned and this was my little stash. He wasn’t going to get his hands on these little beauties. No Sirree Bob! I had just hidden the Yum Yums, two of the French Fancies and the Chocolate Battenberg when I remembered…I hadn’t bought the loaf! Oh dear, looks like I’ll have to go back, I thought.

As I entered the shop my eye was immediately drawn to a lovely gateau on the bench behind the girl serving and there were two delicious sponges sitting there as well, one Vanilla and one Chocolate. I knew I had to have them or perish in the attempt. Cakes are my one weakness. I just cannot resist them but I cannot make cakes myself. They never turn out right. Usually they don’t turn out at all. I don’t know why but they always get stuck in the wretched cake tin and refuse to come out and I end up with a pile of crumbs. I know it’s a sad tale but you mustn’t upset yourself, we all have our cross to bear!

So, I waited until it was my turn never taking my eye off the gateau and the two sponges. Did I mention one was Chocolate and one was Vanilla? Then, at last, the purveyor of these fine specimens came to serve me.

“Yes,” she said, rather rudely in my opinion as she gave me a look that said you are unworthy. You do not deserve my attention or my sponges. One of which was Chocolate and one Vanilla although I fancy I may have mentioned that before. Anyway, I was not going to be intimidated by her attitude. No, I’m not easily thrown by people saying “Yes” like that. So, undaunted, I said,

“I would like the gateau and the two sponges please the Chocolate and the Vanilla.”

“I’m sorry,” said the girl, “but I am afraid they are reserved.”

Who ever heard of sponges being held in reserve? What was she trying to imply that the defence of the realm depended on two sponges, one being Vanilla and one Chocolate, if my memory serves me correctly? My suspicions were aroused immediately and I thought I know what this is all about she wants them for herself. So I said,

“I have come in to this establishment simply to purchase a gateau and two sponges and that is what I intend to leave with.”

Well, you should have seen the evil look that came into her eye once she knew I was not to be dissuaded. Then she said,

“I’m sorry but you cannot have that of which you speak, as already stated by my good self…they are reserved.”

I could see what was going on in this girl’s mind. She was thinking I want the gateau for tomorrow night’s tea because I’ve got guests and I want the two sponges, one being Chocolate and one being Vanilla for myself. I am not going to allow this undeserving creature standing before me with her purse open trying to bribe me as she attempts to part me from my two most prized possessions. NO! She shall not have them. I will stand or fall by my two sponges.

It was plain to see I was going to have to try other tactics because I too am not a person to be trifled with and I am also prepared to stand or fall by my attempt to get at them sponges. So I said,

“Please, I have two sick boys at home and they are in need of sponges one can only be cured by Vanilla and one by Chocolate. I feel sure if you search your soul you will see that you cannot refuse them while they still maintain a small but tenuous grip on life. If you can remember back to Team GB my boys were the two athletes who refused all honours saying Gold medals were nothing and both refused to accept their posy of flowers too. One of my boys, the older one by ten minutes, said,

“If I am to be honoured for winning a gold for the high jump and the long jump which I managed to do together and the marathon and the one hundred metres also done together as well as running all four legs in the relay without dropping the baton then it is enough that I am granted the freedom of the city and a Chocolate sponge.” His twin brother who had won his gold medals for the discus and shot put which he threw holding one in each hand. Then came the javelin and beech volleyball throwing the javelin first before playing with him self for the volleyball and winning! He too refused all honours saying,

“If I have in some small way helped the tally of gold medals for Team GB then I am grateful for the support given to me by my coach, as well as the support of my family. But I have no need of gold medals all I ask is that I may be allowed the honour of carrying the sponge, which must be Vanilla, to every village, town and city in the land, then I will be content.”

Then the evil one looked at me with one eye and looked at the sponges with the other. No mean feat when one considers I was in front and the sponges, one of which was Chocolate and one Vanilla were behind but she did not turn. How clever is that? Obviously this is a skill that has been honed on a diet of sponges. But she said,

“No, I have told you, these cakes are all reserved now please leave my shop before I call the police.”

“Call them what? I would have thought that name perfectly acceptable?’ I said.

Then I thought I would try bargaining with her. It would mean I would have to jettison my idea of having all three cakes but if it meant I would walk out with two sponges then that was a price I was prepared to pay.

“Purveyor,” I said “I am willing to negotiate; I will see you for the gateau and raise you two sponges. What do you say to that? To which she replied.

“I will see you one French stick and raise you a Baguette!”

Ah ha, now I have the measure of her because, as I had been bargaining, my eye had been directed towards the notice at the back of the shop, by whom I do not know, although it may have been Divine Intervention. Well, when one has right on their side…But if you remember when I first brought the notice to your attention it said ‘Our Baguettes are baked fresh each day’ but having spotted the cakes I never finished reading, so, the words that now grabbed my attention were,

‘We guarantee that our valued customers will always have access to the filling of their choice.’ So, as you may have guessed, my filling of choice was two sponges, one of which was Chocolate the other being Vanilla.

Oh, and I chose a Granary Baguette ...but no butter!

End