"Checkout" Scene Eight

Scene Eight Ice and a Slice

Entrance to Store

Following Morning

MRS ALLSOP, the Store Manager, is standing at the entrance waiting for the twins because they are late yet again. A man and a woman approach and from a distance the man, MARCUS, looks quite smartly dressed as he is wearing a bow tie but on closer inspection his clothes are dirty and shabby. With the woman, OLIVIA, however, there is no such confusion as she is very scruffy and quite dirty. They make to enter the store but MRS ALLSOP bars their way.

Mrs Allsop:
Can I help you?

Marcus:
May I help you?

Mrs Alllsop:
What?

Olivia:
I need some washing powder.

Mrs Allsop:
Yes, I can see that you do. A bar of soap might be considered a useful addition to your shopping list too.

Olivia:
Well, if you get out of my way I’ll go and get it.

Mrs Allsop:
Oh, I think not. First, we are not open for business until I blow my whistle.

Marcus:
Then, blow your bloody whistle, because I need to use your lavatory.

Mrs Allsop: (IGNORING HIM)
Second, we are not a convenience store. (GLARES AT MAN) Nor are we a Public Convenience.

Olivia:
Look, just blow your whistle and I’ll get the washing powder while he’s using your lavatory.

Mrs Allsop:
I think not.

Olivia:
Why not?

Mrs Allsop:
Because you are not at all the type of customer I wish to attract to my store.

Olivia:
Why, what’s wrong with us?

Mrs Allsop:
What’s wrong with you? Where do I start? First you are dirty, scruffy and you look…well…Working Class!

Olivia:
That’s because I am Working Class. What’s wrong with that?

Mrs Allsop:
Nothing if you shop anywhere but here.

Olivia:
Are you always this rude to your customers?

Mrs Allsop:
I try to be!

Marcus:
What, even the ones you allow in to your poxy store?

Mrs Allsop:
I don’t allow such people into my store and if you are going to speak like that I will have Security remove you from the premises.

Marcus:
Security! I bet it’s that old boy who collects the trolleys.

Just then, JOE, the maintenance man walks up.

Mrs Allsop:
No it is not. This is the gentleman of which I speak.

Marcus:
Of whom I speak.

Mrs Allsop:
What?

Marcus:
And this is the gentleman of whom I speak.

Joe:
Problem, Ma’am?

Mrs Allsop:
Yes, Joe. I would like these people, these scruffy people…

Marcus: (INTERRUPTING)
These band of brothers.

Mrs Allsop:
What?

Marcus:
It sounded like you were quoting from the St Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V. “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers”

Mrs Allsop:
And what would you know about Shakespeare?

Marcus:
Quite a lot, actually. I am or rather I was Emeritus Professor of English up at the
University until the bottle and I became more firmly acquainted.

Mrs Allsop:
And the trollop, when did you become acquainted with her?

Olivia:
Who are you calling a trollop?

Mrs Allsop:
Oh, I suppose now you’re going to tell me you are Emeritus Professor of Domestic
Science?

Olivia:
Might be.

Mrs Allsop:
Oh, P L E A S E! There’s no such position and if there was, judging by the state of you, you would not be any sort of Professor, Emeritus or otherwise, now then…on your bike.

Marcus:
Come now, Olivia, we’ll get the shopping at the corner shop.

Olivia:
Very well, Marcus, I wouldn’t shop here now if they paid me.

Marcus: (Offering MRS ALLSOP a card)
Should you wish to learn to speak in grammatically correct English then here is my
card.

Mrs Allsop: (Reading)
Marcus St John Bradley fourth Cardboard box on the left under the Railway Arches, Bridge Street.

Marcus:
We are between residences at the moment.

Mrs Allsop:
But there’s no telephone number or email address…

Marcus:
We are at the mercy of BT and it appears they do not have the technology to fix a line to our box even though the cardboard is of premium quality.

Mrs Allsop: (Handing back the card)
Well, I’ve no interest in you or your card so be on your way.

Marcus:
Come Olivia, one cannot educate a person who is so ecstatically happy to remain in ignorance.

MRS ALLSOP and JOE watch them walk away but then when they are a fair distance from the shop they stop and MARCUS turns towards the wall, and it becomes obvious he is doing a wee. When he finishes he turns back towards MRS ALLSOP
and with a flourish gives a low bow before taking the arm of his companion as they
continue on their way.

MRS ALLSOP and JOE are just about to go back inside when they see MAUREEN and DOREEN running towards them. They are very scruffy and dirty because they are obviously still wearing the clothes from the previous night and their hair and clothes are covered in brick dust.

MRS ALLSOP tut tuts as she looks at her watch.

Maureen:
Yes, I know we are late but we had a bit of an accident last night and it’s put us behind.

Doreen:
Yes, we haven’t been to bed at all.

Mrs Allsop:
What you two girls do in your free time is of no interest or concern of mine but when you come to work looking as you two look then that is very much my concern. Do not even think of going to your usual posts until you have cleaned yourselves up. Now get out of my sight before I sack the pair of you.

Maureen: (Walking away)
See, I told you she’d be all right.

Doreen:
She looked pretty angry to me.

Maureen:
No, she was putty in my hands.

Doreen:
Yeah! I hope Leanne and Mel come today. I can’t wait to tell them.

Maureen:
Yeah, neither can I.

Teashop Later that same day Morning

Leanne:
I wonder if they’ll show?

Mel:
They will if they’ve done something to the house. They’re always boasting about that.

Enter MAUREEN and DOREEN looking just a little bit better than earlier though their hair is sticking up all over the place with the brick dust still clearly visible.

Maureen:
Glad you could make it.

Leanne:
Are you allowed to come to work looking like that?

Maureen:
What do you mean?

Leanne:
Well this is a food shop after all.

Doreen:
They wouldn’t get rid of us. We’re too good at our jobs.

Maureen: (Grinning)
Well, I don’t know about that…but…Let’s tell ‘em about last night, Dor?

Doreen:
Okay, you first.

Maureen:
We did it. We did it and it’s great.

Mel:
What you knocked a serving hatch through to your Dining room?

DOREEN starts giggling

Maureen:
We knocked a serving hatch through, it’s true. But not to the Dining room.

Doreen:
We’d been to The Grapes and then Grayling suggested we pop in to the Golf club for a quick jar and then we…

Maureen: (Interrupting)
Then when we got home we started to knock through.

Leanne:
I don’t know how you could do a big job like that after you'd been drinking.

Maureen:
Easy. We each picked up a sledge hammer and with a couple of hefty whacks the bricks soon started to shift.

Doreen:
Then before you know it we’ve got a nice new serving hatch only…

Maureen:
Only…it wasn’t in quite the place we intended it to be.

Doreen:
Let me tell, Mor?

Maureen:
No, I’ll tell. We’d knocked a serving hatch into the downstairs loo.

Doreen:
It was Grayling’s fault we could still stand up before she said let’s go to the Golf club for a nightcap.

Leanne:
Oh my God! What will you do? Brick it up?

Maureen:
Not so likely. We’ve already made good.

Mel:
So, what…you’re gonna keep a serving hatch in to a toilet…

Maureen:
Too right. We love it. Doreen often takes a Vodie into the loo but now I can pass ice and a slice through to her. How refined is that?

Doreen:
Yes, I must admit I think it’s Grayling’s influence. She’s so refined.

Leanne:
So now what’s the plan?

Maureen:
We are gonna change the complete layout of the kitchen and utility room because these days everyone wants open plan living with what are called zoned areas and that’s what we want.

Mel:
You’re mad!

Leanne:
Yes, I have to agree. The two of you are completely off your trolley.

Maureen:
That’s what comes of working in a supermarket.

End of scene