"Checkout" Scene Ten The Conclusion

“Checkout” Scene Ten The Final Scene

Scene Ten The Battle of Jericho

Leanne is sitting by herself in the teashop and she seems lost in thought. Mel walks in and sees Leanne and walks over to her.

Mel: (Hesitantly)
Hello Leanne. Ca…can I sit here with you?

Leanne:
It’s a free country.

Mel:
I was hoping you might be here.

Leanne:
Why?

Mel:
Because I want to make it up. I don’t like falling out with anybody but especially with you. We’ve been friends for such a long while.

Leanne:
Well, Mel, you should have thought of that before.

Mel:
You did tell me to piss off.

Leanne:
What you doing back here then?

Mel:
Well, because I’ve got something to tell…

The TWINS enter

Maureen:
Oh, you’re both here. Have you two made it up?

Mel:
I was trying to.

Leanne: (Suddenly relenting)
Yeah, go on then.

Mel:
What, you mean we’re friends again?

Leanne:
Suppose so.

Maureen:
That’s good because we’ve got loads to tell you.

Mel:
Yeah, I’ve got something to tell…

Leanne:
What...about the house or Julian? Because if it’s Julian I don’t want to hear it.

Maureen:
Julian! Who’s he? No it’s about the house.

Doreen:
Yeah, we’ve done it.

Mel:
Done what?

Maureen:
We’ve made the downstairs completely open plan.

Doreen:
Not the toilet. That’s not open plan.

Maureen:
No, that’s not open plan. But the rest is and it’s great. We’ve got zoned areas now.

Doreen:
Yes the Dining Room has been combined with the kitchen and utility…

Doreen breaks off as over the public address system we hear

Maureen or Doreen Clarkson to Customer Services. Maureen or Doreen, telephone... Customer Services…

Maureen:
I’ll go so you finish telling the girls the rest.

Doreen:
Okay Mor.

Exit MAUREEN

Doreen:
Yeah, as I was saying we’ve knocked through to the Dining room and taken out the wall to the Utility room. So now we’ve got just one big space. Other than the Palace of Convenience of course.

Leanne:
That must be a huge great space.

Doreen:
Yes, it is.

Mel:
But what will you do with such a big area.

Doreen:
Well, just think of all the parties we could have.

Mel:
Yeah, but parties cost money

Doreen:
Don’t have to…not if you ask everyone to bring a bottle or three or even a couple of crates.

Leanne:
I’m confused, Doreen. Parties aside how will you use this space?

Doreen:
Well, Maureen is really in charge of that side of things. She is the creative one so she is the designer and I’m the demolisher.

Mel:
Demolisher?

Doreen:
Well walls don’t just fall down by themselves, you know.

Maureen comes rushing back.

Maureen:
Dor, Dor, Doreen…

Doreen: (looking alarmed)
Yeah.

Maureen:
You’ll never guess what…that phone call

Doreen:
Yeah, yeah…what about it?

Maureen: (Grabbing hold of Doreen)
It was Grayling…

Doreen:
Grayling!

Maureen:
She says our house has just fallen down.

Leanne and Mel:
What!

Leanne:
Never! That’s terrible.

Leanne and Mel look sympathetically at the twins as they cling to each other violently shaking.

Leanne:
Don’t upset yourselves girls.

Mel:
No. I know anything we say won’t help but try not to get too upset.

Leanne:
Mel’s right. It will get sorted. It will do you no good to get upset.

Maureen breaks from Doreen and Leanne and Mel are amazed to see they are not crying but shaking with laughter.

Leanne:
How can you laugh at a time like this?

Mel:
Your house has just fallen down and you’re laughing?

Leanne:
What will you do?

Mel:
Where will you go?

Leanne:
I’d offer but you know how I like to keep my place.

Mel:
And I would but it’s Garry.

Maureen:
Don’t fret yourself…we’ll bunk in with Grayling.

Doreen:
Yeah, we can help her with her Sermons. She’d like that.

Maureen:
Yeah, she thinks the world of us ever since we introduced her to The Grapes.

Doreen:
Yeah and the Vicar comes with us now. Though I don’t know for how much longer.

Maureen:
No, there’s talk that the Church Wardens have asked for him to be replaced.

Doreen:
They won’t find it easy to replace him though… there’s not many men of the cloth can hold their liquor like him.

Leanne:
Am I losing something here? Your house has just fallen down and you’re discussing the career prospects of a Vicar.

Maureen:
We’ve become very fond of him…and Grayling.

Doreen:
Yes, we’ve Grayling to thank for the Palace of Convenience…Oh, I was forgetting we haven’t got the Palace of Convenience anymore.

Maureen: (Laughing)
Plonker!

Leanne:
Well, I’m glad you can laugh but what are you going to do?

Maureen:
Well, we stopped watching Sarah Beeny and all those DIY Programmes ages ago and started to watch another programme and it’s great and it made us wish we could have started from scratch with the house and now that it’s fallen down…we can!

Leanne:
What do you mean? Start from scratch with the house and what Programme are you talking about?

Maureen:
There’s only one…Grand Designs!

Doreen:
We love it and it will give Maureen more scope with her designing talents.

Maureen:
Yes, but less scope for you Doreen with your demolishing skills.

Doreen:
Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing. Not being able to do any more demolishing, I mean.

Leanne:
Are you seriously considering designing and building a house from scratch.

Mel:
Are you forgetting the two of you have just demolished one house?

Doreen:
No, I won’t have that. It wasn’t Maureen’s fault. She wasn’t in charge of demolishing. That was my department and I think I know where I went wrong.

Maureen:
Do you, Dor?

Doreen:
Yes, Mor, I forgot Sarah Beeny’s golden rule. If the wall to be knocked down is a supporting wall then you must use Acrow props and an RSJ. I never used Acrows and I forgot about the RSJ’s! A simple mistake…anyone could make!

Maureen:
You mustn’t blame yourself, Dor. As you say an easy mistake…

Doreen:
Let’s change the subject, shall we. You’ll never believe this but that Julian only tried to get me to go out with him again. Can you believe it?

Maureen:
You too?

Leanne:
You as well? The scheming bastard. I gave him the big E when I found out he only rented that house and that big posh car is a company car.

Maureen:
And I told him to get lost when I found out he was married.

Mel:
Was he?

Doreen:
And I told him to get lost cos Maureen did. Oh, and when I found out he’d got three kids.

Leanne:
So it looks like we’ve all been let down in one way or another. Apart from you, Mel. Actually you started to say you had something to tell…

Mel:
Yeah. I have.

Leanne:
Well, spit it out girl.

Mel:
I’m not sure…

Maureen:
Get on with it, Mel!

Doreen:
Yes, get on with it, Mel!

Leanne:
If you’re hanging back because you think it’s something that might upset me, don’t even think about it. Let me guess, you’re pregnant?

Mel:
No.

Leanne:
Well, there you are, not that it would worry me even if you were. So, there’s nothing you can say that will upset me.

Mel:
I think there is.

Leanne:
What? For goodness sake…what?

Mel:
It’s Garry.

Leanne:
So, what about Garry?

Mel:
I don’t know how you’re going to take this.

Leanne:
Get on with it.

Mel:
Garry…

Leanne:
Yes, don’t keep saying Garry! You know I’m not interested in him anymore. You’re welcome to him. Now what is it?

Mel:
He’s won the lottery!

Leanne: (Suddenly beaming)
My Garry’s won the lottery?

Mel: (Getting up)
Well, actually...no! MY Garry’s won the lottery and we’re off to the Caribbean in the morning. So I’m sorry to hear about all your misfortunes but I’ve got to get home now and start packing! I’ll probably see you around though because Garry’s put in an offer on that three-timing Julian’s house!

End