The Jealous Husband
The Jealous Husband! 1280 Words Taken from the Parkinson's 2016 Show.
Two men having a telephone conversation
The Phone Rings
Brian: (Answering phone) Hello
Tarquin: Oh, hello you must be Brian, may I speak with Marlene please?
Brian: Who's calling.
Tarquin: Just tell her it's Tarquin and I've got a room.
Brian: Why would that interest my Marlene?
Tarquin: Your Marlene! I don't think so.
Brian: What do you mean by that?
Tarquin: Well, if we're talking about the same person, she puts herself about a bit.
Brian: Then it can't be my Marlene. She would never do such a thing.
Tarquin: Yes, she said you could be a bit provincial.
Brian: So, what are you implying?
Tarquin: Nothing mate. Just ask her to come to the phone, will you?
Brian: She's not here.
Tarquin: Oh, then she must have left already.
Brian: To go where?
Tarquin: To the club. She's the pole dancer there every Friday night.
Brian: What! She's nothing of the kind!
Tarquin: I think you'll find she is.
Brian: You shut your mouth. I'll kill you if you say that again, you filthy liar.
Tarquin: Yes, she said you could be a bit violent.
Brian: What you talking about? I've never laid a hand on her.
Tarquin: Yes, she said that as well. That's probably why she looks elsewhere .
Brian: Elsewhere! She does not.
Tarquin: Well, she's certainly a very popular girl with the boys down at the club.
Brian: If you don't shut your mouth I'll shut it for you.
Tarquin: I'm only saying she's popular. Nothing wrong with that. Mind you with her attributes it's easy to see why.
Brian: You shut your mouth about her attributes.
Tarquin: Well she doesn't exactly hide them, does she?
Brian: We can't be talking about the same woman. My wife would never make a display of herself in public.
Tarquin: If that's what you want to believe. But it's easy to prove. Does she go out every Friday night?
Brian: Yes, but...
Tarquin: Case dismissed. I'm telling you every Friday night she is the pole dancer at the club, and boy does she give the lads an eyeful!
Brian: If you come round here, I'll tear your head from your shoulders, you bastard!
Tarquin: You should be grateful, I don't know what she does but she gets all the high flyers. The ones that are quick to flash the cash. They all ask for Marlene.
Brian: Just tell me where you are and I'll come round and knock your teeth down your throat.
Tarquin: You said yourself she goes out every Friday night.
Brian: For the love of God, to the Women's Institute!
Tarquin: If that's what she tells you.
Brian: I'm telling you she goes to the Women's Institute.
Tarquin: If you say so.
Brian: She makes prize-winning chutney for goodness sake!
Tarquin: Perhaps that's it.
Tarquin : How she always manages to get the high rollers! She does something special with her chutney.
Brian: Special! Chutney! What are you talking about?
Tarquin: Her clients.
Brian: Clients! Clients! You shut your filthy mouth. My Marlene would never use her prize-winning chutney for such a purpose. (Pause) It's taken her years to perfect that recipe.
Tarquin: Well, you obviously know her better than I do.
Brian: Yes, I do. My Marlene's a stalwart of the Women's Institute.
Tarquin: Is she?
Brian: Yes, they've even asked her to judge the Victoria Sponge category in the cakes section at the Summer Fair.
Tarquin: Have they?
Brian: And they wouldn't do that if they thought she used her chutney for the purposes you're suggesting.
Brian: Now, does that sound like a woman who pole dances?
Tarquin: Yes. That's our Marlene all right , she always wants
her cake and eat it too!
Brian: Will you stop saying our Marlene. She's my Marlene. And she wouldn't do those things you said. I'm sure...almost sure...she wouldn't? Would she?
Tarquin: Well, just in case it's the same woman would you tell her the room's booked.
Brian: Room! Booked! She's not going anywhere with you, chum.
Tarquin: I think you might be wrong there, sunshine. She's always said to me of all the hotels we've stayed in The Plaza is her favourite.
Brian: She wouldn't. She couldn't...
Tarquin: Well, only you know if you've treated her right.
Brian: I think I have. She's never said...
Tarquin: Are you sure?
Brian: What am I going to do? I don't want to lose her. What would you do if you were in my position?
Tarquin: In your position I'd stop questioning her every time she leaves the house, stop giving her the third degree, and stop asking her who she's been with.
Brian: Do you think that would work? Would she stay with me then?
Tarquin: I don't know, she might, but I've got to go now so when you see her just tell her the room's booked.
Yes, of course I will, and thank you for your advice. (Brian puts telephone down, and picks up jar of chutney.) Aah! That bloke didn't know what he was talking about. I knew it couldn't be my Marlene. Here's a jar of her chutney and the label clearly says
2015 Chutney competition
First Prize - Marlene Kemp
(He turns the jar over and notices something stuck to the bottom of the jar.)
Oh, what's this? Morrison's £2.50. I don't believe it! All this time...she's been lying.. (LONG PAUSE) She told me she never shopped in Morrisons.