Miss Lavender and Her Adventure in Bluebell Woods!

Miss Lavender and Her Adventure in Bluebell Woods!

Miss Lavender was walking happily through Bluebell Woods enjoying the warm sunshine that cast a dappled shade through the trees, smelling the pretty wild flowers as she tripped her way through the pine cones that littered the floor of this her most favourite place. As she walked she glanced about her taking in the sheer beauty of this wonderful woodland that was a popular walk for so many people from the town.

She could see in the distance through a kind of hazy, steamy vapour several dog walkers ahead of her although she could see no dogs. She knew they were dog walkers, however, because they had little plastic bags in their hands which she presumed was their lunch but she could never understand why such people felt it necessary to swing them in quite such a jaunty fashion.

She was brought to a sudden stop because a man known as Big Ears made an unexpected appearance as he pushed his way through the undergrowth and she was shocked, horrified and not a little upset by what she saw. Having a keen eye for detail the first thing she noticed was that it wasn’t just his ears that were big. However, despite her ordeal she quickly came to her senses as she thought I am going to need a detailed description if I am to report this to PC Plod.

Big Ears, meanwhile, thought it best to make his escape while the lady was still in a state of shock. Miss Lavender carried on walking through the woods but instead of going straight to the police station she thought it best to go home and decide on a plan of action. Obviously PC Plod couldn’t be expected to work on the case with no evidence so she determined that she would do her best to supply it by keeping a dossier of events.

The next morning she went walking through the woods at exactly the same time as the previous day in the hope that she might see Big Ears again because this time she was ready for him. She had come equipped. Although she lingered in the woods for some considerable time she was disappointed because Big Ears didn’t show. Miss Lavender felt it her moral duty to protect other women from being subjected to what she had been a victim to and she would not allow her own delicate sensibilities to detract her from bringing this man to justice.

As a consequence she came every day to the woods in the hope of catching him at it and this went on for several days before she got another sighting. As the sightings became more regular she was steadily building a dossier of events that she hoped would convince PC Plod to take action. She even thought that she might catch him red handed but then quickly discounted that idea as any thought of handling gave her palpitations. However after the last shocking sighting she thought she had collected enough evidence to warrant going to PC Plod with what she had accumulated.

On arrival at the Police Station she was shown into an Interview Room and PC Plod came plodding in. He was plodding because his feet hurt as his shoes were too tight. This made him a trifle edgy and irritable so he had little time for the type of low grade crime Miss Lavender usually complained of. Besides, she could be a right pain in the backside always insisting her complaints needed his urgent attention. He wondered what it would be this time.

Without mentioning any names she attempted to enlighten him but her delicate sensibilities caused her to be a trifle reticent

“What I want to know PC Plod is what you are going to do about this man terrorising innocent ladies on their walks through Bluebell Wood.”

“Well, who is the suspect in question and what is the crime he has supposedly committed?”

“Don’t you dare take that tone with me PC Plod what I insist on knowing is what you are going to do about it. I am a law abiding citizen of this parish and I demand you take action against this man!”

“Then I must repeat, who is the suspect in question and what is the crime he stands accused of?”

“Very well, the man in question is none other than your drinking partner, Big Ears, and his crime is almost too shameful to describe.”

“Well, I’m afraid you are going to have to abandon your reticence and tell me what he has done that so affronts your delicacy?"

“Make no mistake, PC Plod, I know where my duty lies. I have to think of others that may walk in Bluebell Wood and fall victim to what I have been subjected to.”

“Right then, first you will have to make a statement then read it through before signing it to the effect that it is a true and accurate account of the alleged incidents.”

With that Miss Lavender sat down with pen and paper and wrote down the whole catalogue of shocking events starting with that first time and then chronicling all the other occasions when she had seen Big Ears loitering with intent in the woods. She held nothing back and when she had finished she passed the statement across the desk to PC Plod who read it very slowly tut tutting as he did so but nevertheless surprised by her diligence and clarity as she recounted every incident. Then when he had read it all he passed it back to Miss Lavender for her to sign.

PC Plod had a very disappointed look on his face as he said,

“To say I am shocked does not come close to how I feel and to think that I should have befriended a man who was capable of such contemptible behaviour. Now if you will be so good as to sign your statement to the effect that it is a true and accurate record of events as you remember them, in what I consider to be quite remarkable detail, then I will bring the man in for questioning.”

Miss Lavender did not hesitate to pick up the pen and sign her name to the document that she hoped would see Big Ears incarcerated.

From the evidence supplied by Miss Lavender it looked as if it was pretty conclusive and so PC Plod had no choice but to bring his friend and drinking partner in for questioning.

At first, Big Ears denied everything saying he never went near the woods. In fact he hadn’t been in the woods for a number of weeks and that the woman, Miss Lavender, had disliked him from day one. She had taken against him ever since he had rejected her amorous advances when he first moved to Toy Town. She was a jealous woman who was always on the lookout for a bit of mischief making and she didn’t like it because he had formed a friendship with a little chap who wore a pointed hat with a bell on top and drove round in a little car. PC Plod coughed at the mention of the little chap and thought it best not to pursue that line of questioning as he had his own ideas about that particular friendship.

After a gruelling questioning session conducted by Plod and witnessed by another officer it was decided to bring Miss Lavender back and ask her to produce her pictorial evidence. At first she declined saying the evidence was at her cottage in Main Street and that it was a long walk from the police station to her home. Only at the insistence of PC Plod and only after he had agreed she would be taken by police car did Miss Lavender agree to fetch the evidence from her house.

On her return to the police station she was once again shown into the Interview Room and Plod limped back in because by now his feet were really giving him gyp so he was even tetchier than before.

‘Now then, Miss Lavender I have no time to waste and you must not allow yourself to hold back because I need to see your photos no matter how bad the quality.’

“I never gave mention of any photographs.” She said.

“But you said you had pictorial evidence.”

“Yes, indeed I do.”

“Well, Madam, I must ask you to produce it.”

“Very well” said Miss Lavender and with something of a flourish she produced a large canvas.

“This is incredible,” said Plod, “you’ve not only captured his likeness but you’ve done it in oils.”

“Yes, I don’t do water colours.”

“The attention to detail is quite remarkable.”

“Yes, well if a job’s worth doing…”

“What do you have to say for yourself Big Ears now that you have been presented with such incontrovertible evidence?”

On seeing the painting the first thing Big Ears did was congratulate Miss Lavender on a very fine piece of work and she very graciously accepted his generous comment.

“Now then, Big Ears, what do you have to say for yourself? Is this painting a true and accurate likeness?

“Well, I think Miss Lavender has used a little artistic license in certain areas as she has been a trifle over generous in her interpretation of some aspects of the subject. However, the painting is quite remarkable in that she has captured my skin tones exactly and I would not be ashamed to have this painting hung in my parlour, above the fireplace where all could see the beauty of her work.

On hearing his kind words Miss Lavender softened her expression and said,

“The painting only turned out so well because you were the perfect model…standing there hour after hour without moving while I worked on the clouds, the trees and all the periphery of the scene before attempting to capture your likeness forever on canvas and for that I am extremely grateful.”

“Think nothing of it, dear lady, you are most welcome and I really appreciate you coming back each day to work on it.”

“Well, I had to do some from memory as you couldn’t always be relied upon to turn up every day but fortunately you are in possession of something really quite memorable and so I was able to paint some of your finer points purely from the memory of seeing them in the flesh, so to speak.”

“So, where is all this leading, may I ask? Madam, are you or are you not going to press charges against this man?”

“No, I have decided not to press charges after all.”

“Thank you,” said Big Ears.

“May I ask what changed your mind?” Enquired Plod.

“Well, I have come to the conclusion his crime is not really so serious. After all it’s not as if he’s been caught in possession of an offensive weapon or anything like that now, is it? No, indeed, as far as I can tell purely from an artistic point of view what he has been favoured with is far from offensive and if he cares to come to my studio I feel sure I can immortalize his best features so that one day they may hang in the National Gallery.”

“Oh no, I think I’d rather keep them hanging where they are if it’s all the same to you but I thank you for your very kind offer.” Said Big Ears, not liking the idea of his best features being hung anywhere except where they were presently located.

So the end result was that Big Ears was let off with a caution, Miss Lavender was allowed to keep the painting and PC Plod left the station early as he had managed to get an appointment with Feet & Inches the only chiropodists in Toy Town!

End