S Vince and Stu - Secret Agents

Vince and Stu - Secret Agents

Day 1.

The hotelier was an old woman who might have been pretty once. She
might also have been ugly. It was difficult to tell now. She held a
large bunch of keys in her left hand as she ascended the steep stairs
and she resembled somewhat a gaoler. At least that's what Stu
thought.

Stu was 46, overweight and balding. He had been in the Service 25
years. The Service had outlasted everything else in his life, his
marriage, his kids, his ability to make people laugh at office parties
with his impression of James Cagney. Even his partner Jake. The
previous month Jake had declared that he was moving on and up to better
things. He was buying a hot dog concession stand at Margate's World of
Adventure. Stu couldn't believe it. He had heard what a ruthless world
hot dog concession stands could be and he told Jake as much.

"Stu," said Jake, "you're a secret agent."

"Yeah," said Stu, "secret. Where's the harm in that?"

Now Stu had a new partner. His name was Vince. Vince was 21, slim as a
snake and had a full head of hair. Stu had already decided that he
hated him.

At the top of the fifth flight of stairs the hotelier stopped and
turned to face the two men. She was standing outside a door with the
number one on it. Stu could see a depression in front of the one from
where he guessed a five must have fallen off. They were on the fifth
floor. He had been trained to ascertain such things.

"Room number 1," said the hotelier. "That's how we do things here."
And then she inserted the key and pushed open the door. The secret
agent and hotelier sandwich stepped inside.

The room had a large leaded bay window, a picture of seagull in full
flight on the back wall, a battered club style Chesterfield sofa, and
one single bed.

"Well," said the hotelier, "this is it." She said it as if it might
have been something else altogether.

"Fabulous," said Vince.

"There's only one single bed," said Stu.

"I'll toss you for it," said Vince.

"If you could wait until I've gone," said the hotelier through pursed
lips, "this is a respectable place I'm running. As far as I'm concerned
you're two gentlemen who can't afford a room each."

"We are," said Stu. "It's just&;#8230;"

"If you did want another room then I can put one of you at the
back."

Stu looked over at the bay window. He remembered his commander's
words. "The bed will be fine," he said reluctantly.

"We can cuddle up real close," said Vince.

The hotelier managed to fix them both with the same stare. "I've
warned you already. Now, I've been told that you'll be taking all meals
in your room. Is that right?"

"That's right," said Stu. "Six nights' stay. Breakfast, lunch, dinner,
everything in here."

The hotelier shook her head as if that said it all, which it probably
did, and then she was gone, pulling the door to behind her.

"What was that all about?" said Stu glaring at Vince. He imitated
Vince's voice. "'We'll cuddle up real close.'"

"It's our cover, isn't it?" said Vince. "I was just following
orders."

"Well," said Stu, "there's following orders and following orders. Now
about this bed?"

Vince smiled, "You can have it pops. Age before beauty. I'll be sorted
on the sofa."

Stu didn't like the insinuation. He was old but he wasn't past it. He
had seen people like Vince come and go, sometimes in the same week.
"That's not how we do things. In the Service there's a code, it's
equality, liberty, fraternity. You'll learn that."

"If you say so pops," said Vince. "So I'm having the bed?"

"That's not what I said."

"Then what?"

Stu pushed his hands in his pockets and blew air out of his mouth. He
wished Jake were here. Jake was good at this kind of thing. Then he had
an idea. It came to him in a flash.

"I'll toss you for it," he said.

"Get your cock out then," said Vince.

"With a coin," said Stu.

"I know," said Vince. "I was joking. Heads or tails?"

"Heads," said Stu.

Vince flicked his thumb and a coin went spinning through the air. He
caught it on its descent with a flourish.

"Well?" said Stu.

Vince held out the coin on the back of his hand.

Now Stu really hated Vince. A week was a long time on a sofa. He knew
that from experience.

Day 2.

Stu was awake a long time before the alarm. He was alarmed a long time
before the alarm. Chesterfields weren't designed for sleeping on,
principally because they were made of leather. It had been a hot night.
Stu had sweated constantly and this had created a slick film of water
between him and the sofa. Twice while turning to gain a comfortable
position he had skidded uncontrollable and landed on the floor with a
crash. The second time he had landed on a fork. He blamed Vince.
Although now that he thought about it Vince hadn't even used a fork. He
had eaten one handedly with chopsticks while at the same time perusing
an Iraqi grammar book.

"Iraq is where the future lies," said Vince.

"If you say so," said Stu. He had been wondering what kind of hotel it
was that didn't even have a tv in the room. How was he going to watch
Eastenders?

At 07:36 Vince stretched and got out of bed. He was fresh as a daisy
and twice as naked. Even daisies have leaves.

"Do you have to do that?" said Stu, sitting up on one elbow.

"What?" said Vince.

"All that nudity."

"I can't wear boxers. I always get tangled up in them."

"Then wear something tight."

"That's even worse. They don't allow elevation. Is this in the
rules?"

"Well," said Stu. "No."

"Good, then I'm sleeping naked pops. Who's having the bathroom first,
me or you?"

"I told you not to call me pops."

"Is that me then?"

"No, it's bloody well not," said Stu and he grabbed his washing bag
and disappeared into the en suite.

In the bathroom Stu removed his own rather careworn Peewee Herman
boxers and looked at himself in the mirror. He wondered if anyone would
find him attractive again. After he split from his wife he had lost his
children but kept the dog. The day after his wife had finally taken all
her things and gone the dog had thrown itself out of the first floor
window. The vet said it would probably have lived if it hadn't first
chewed its way through a jumbo packet of ExLax. The vet said he had
never seen a dog explode before.

"It must have had an intolerance to laxatives."

"Or something else," thought Stu.

In the bathroom Stu sighed and stepped under the shower. When he went
back into the hotel bedroom he discovered Vince doing squats. He wasn't
naked now but nearly. If it wasn't one thing it was another.

"What's that you're wearing?" said Stu.

"It's a thong." Vince turned around so that his backside was facing
Stu. He inserted his finger under the thong's tiny waistband and pulled
a sliver of red material from out of the crack of his arse. "It's nice,
isn't it? Shows off the bum. Girls love them."

"Girls love wearing them," said Stu.

"No, you're wrong. They like all this airy fairy new man stuff. That's
me. Now if you've finished in the bathroom I need a shit, it's
practically hanging out my arse."

"Sure," said Stu. "Go for it. Only don't be too long. We're on at
eight."

Stu watched the perfect globules of Vince's arse machinate their way
to the bathroom and then he went and took up his position at the window
where they had set up their equipment the previous evening.

At exactly 07:59 Vince came out of the bathroom, smelling of expensive
aftershave and wearing a even more expensive looking suit and sat in
the collapsible chair next to Vince.

"So this is it?" said Vince.

"Yep," said Stu.

Vince ran a hand over his hair without actually touching it. "So what
is it exactly that we're doing?"

"You don't know?"

"I was only told about this yesterday morning. I was only out of
training the day before that."

"Jesus Christ," said Stu.

"So what are we doing?" said Vince.

"We wait."

"For what?"

"For something to happen."

"Like what?"

Stu put his hands in the air, as if to signify something, and then put
them down again. He didn't want to get too technical. "For anything.
Somebody comes, somebody goes. We take pictures. That's our job."

"It doesn't sound very exciting."

"It's not," said Stu. "Look Vince, one word of advice."

"Yes?"

"Don't expect too much."

"I'm going to Iraq," said Vince.

"I was going to Iraq once," said Stu. "Only it wasn't Iraq then. It
was the Falklands."

"You went to the Falklands?"

"No," said Stu. "I didn't go."

"Why not?"

Stu shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't." And then he laughed. More
to himself then anyone else. "Do you think it would have been any
good?"

But Vince didn't answer. He leapt up.

"Look there's somebody there. Somebody's going up the drive."

Day 3.

It was 10:00. Vince and Stu were sitting by the window on their
collapsible chairs.

"You won't tell anybody about yesterday, will you?" said Vince.

"There's nothing to tell," said Stu. This was already the tenth time
he had told Vince this. He hadn't put Vince down as a worrier.

"But you won't, will you?"

Stu sighed. "Anybody can make a mistake. Besides, that postman might
have been dangerous."

"You think?"

Stu didn't answer that. He did something with the viewfinder on the
telescope and then picked a bit of fluff off his trousers. An hour
passed. Then another. Down in the street people came and went but
nobody went up the drive of the house they were watching.

After the third hour Vince stood up and walked across to the far side
of the room. He farted loudly and then came back.

"I don't know about you," he said, "but that was the highlight of my
day so far."

Stu shook his head. Who did this kid think he was?

"This is boring," said Vince.

"It's not always like this," said Stu.

"So tell me, what's the most exciting thing you've ever done?"

Stu didn't have to think about that. A few years earlier he had gone
to the Nou Camp and seen Manchester United win the European Cup.
Without a doubt it had been the highlight of his life so far.

"A lot of it's classified," said Stu. "I'm not sure I can tell
you."

"I've been security checked," said Vince.

"Yeah," said Stu, "but there's levels of security. I've been around a
long time."

"Go on," said Vince. "I'll tell you something if you tell me."

Stu put his eye to the camera and then took it away again. He adjusted
the focus a fraction. He turned to look at Vince.

"OK," he said, "you first."

"Well," said Vince, "it was the last day of the third part of our
training. We'd being doing forensics with Jackers."

"Christ," said Stu, "I'd heard he was still around but I didn't
believe it. He must be in his 60s now. He trained me. He was a real
stickler."

"He's got worse, now he's a real wanker. Anyway, this last day we
thought we'd get Jackers back for giving us such a hard time. We'd been
in the pub all night and then Evans came out with it. He said he had
thought of just the thing."

"What did you do?"

"Evans has this ability with keys. No door is a door to him. So before
we knew it we were in Jacker's office."

"Christ," said Stu. "I hope you gave that old coot what for."

Vince smiled and he did that thing with his hair again.

"What?"

"I jumped up onto his desk, pulled down my trousers and did a dump
right there. After, I stuck a little flag in it with one of those
cocktail sticks. On the flag I wrote, 'Examine this.'"

"Shit," said Stu.

"Exactly," said Vince. And then they both laughed.

"Rather you than me though," said Stu.

"What do you mean?"

"Jackers is an expert in shit. Back in the 80s that was one of his
specialities. He could identify anybody just by their shit alone. He
was a leader in his field."

"You're joking."

"I'm not. And as when you joined up you had to give a stool sample I
don't fancy your chances."

"Shit," said Vince. "You're joking."

"I'm not. I'd forget about Iraq. I mean if you had to choose someone
who had shit on a desk or someone who hadn't, who would you
choose?"

"Shit," said Vince. He stood up and then sat down. "I don't fucking
believe it."

On his collapsible chair Stu was now rocking backwards and forwards.
His shoulders were going up and down. Vince noticed him.

"You are joking."

Stu couldn't answer. There was water coming out of his eyes.

"Man," said Vince. He leaned close to the telescope and put his eye
against it. He moved the viewfinder to the left and to the right. He
took his eye away. He looked at Stu.

"Your turn then."

"What?"

"I told you something now you have to tell me something. We had a
deal, remember?"

"That's right," said Stu and suddenly into his head came an image of
his two daughters. He hadn't seen them for 18 months. He was going to
tell Vince to leave it when the door behind them swung open. Rule
number one when doing a job like this was to keep the door locked. They
had forgotten.

Standing in the open doorway was the hotelier. She was holding a large
tray. She was looking at their surveillance equipment. They hadn't had
time to cover it up.

Vince leant close into Stu. He whispered in his ear.

"Does this mean we have to kill her?"

Day 4.

It was 23:00. Stu woke up. He turned once, twice, and then noticed that
the bed where Vince should have been was empty. He sat up.

Vince was sitting by the window. He was in his thong and he had his
eye to the telescope.

"What are you doing?" whispered Stu.

Vince jerked and then turned around. "I couldn't sleep," he
whispered.

"Your not allowed to look at night," whispered Stu. "The equipment's
not designed for it. You'll get a sore eye."

"That's not all I'll get," whispered Vince. And he laughed. Like a
whisper.

"What's going on?" whispered Stu and he stood up and walked over to
the telescope.

"I saw it first," whispered Vince.

"Let me have a look," whispered Stu. For once he was feeling quite
masterful. He knew by the way Vince was sitting that he was trying to
hide a hard on in his thong. To coin a phrase it was like hiding a
cucumber in a condom. He put his eye to the telescope. After a few
minutes he took it away again.

"It's not right," whispered Stu.

"Well we are supposed to be watching her," whispered Vince.

"But not like this," whispered Stu.

"We can take it in turns," whispered Vince.

Stu thought about his wife. It was a long time since he had seen
anyone naked. Except Vince and that didn't count.

"Ok," whispered Stu. "In turns, I'll go first. You wait in the
bathroom."

"What?" whispered Vince.

"Well I can't do it with you watching, can I?" whispered Stu.

"We've been watching her together every day pops," whispered
Vince.

"But this is different," whispered Stu. "This is private watching.
There's a difference. We either do it my way or not at all."

"OK," whispered Vince. He sighed. "You win. How long do you
need?"

"Half an hour tops," whispered Stu.

"You've got ten minutes," whispered Vince.

Vince walked across to the bathroom and Stu put his eye back to the
telescope.

Day 5.

That morning Vince and Stu slept late. Stu woke with a start at 10:00
and then swore when he saw the time. He leapt off the Chesterfield and
shook Vince awake.

"It's not my fault," said Vince. "It was you who wanted to have
another go. Not bad for a pops."

"I told you not to call me pops," said Stu but it was without his
usual anger. The previous night it had been kind of fun. It was a long
time since he had broken any rules. It was a tonic.

"Look," said Stu, "you go in the shower first and I'll keep an eye
out."

"Sounds good to me," said Vince and he hopped out of bed naked. Before
he went into the bathroom Stu was surprised to see Vince bend and take
a clean thong out of his suitcase. Somehow he had thought it was just a
one off. He had been wrong.

At 14:00 Vince announced that he was a little peckish.

"Why don't you nip downstairs and rustle us up some grub?" said
Stu.

"I thought we had to stay at our post at all times?" said Vince.

"Oh," said Vince, he lifted his hand in the air and spoke as if this
was the kind of thing he did all the time, "you don't want to pay any
attention to things like that. Believe me. I've been around."

"If you're sure," said Vince.

"I'm sure," said Stu. "And while you're down there see if you can find
me a sausage. I fancy a sausage."

"Ok," said Vince. "I'll be back shortly."

Four hours later Vince came back into the room. He was wearing a tall
chef's hat and a white chef's coat that was covered in stains.

"Where the hell have you been?" said Stu. "And what are you
wearing?"

"I was in the kitchen looking for food," said Vince, "when one of the
hotel guests came in. He asked me what I was doing."

"And?" said Stu.

"I was thinking like a secret agent," said Vince. "I was thinking
about cover. I told him I was the chef. He said that was good then. He
said there were 20 guests waiting for lunch and that if I didn't buck
my ideas up then I'd lose my three stars. I'm telling you, I'm
completely shagged. If I ever see another gammon steak again it will be
too soon."

"You don't think anybody suspected anything?" said Stu. "About you not
being a chef."

"I used to temp when I was at uni," said Vince. "I'm ok on the
grill."

"That's good then," said Stu. He sat back down and put his eye back to
the telescope. "That's very good. You did well."

"You think?" said Vince.

"Very well. You can have first sesh tonight."

"What?" said Vince.

Stu smiled. "That guy's back and she's in the shower. I think they
going to have some fun tonight."

Vince laughed and slapped Stu on the back. "They're not the only ones.
They are not the only ones."

"But one question," said Stu, "where's my food?"

"Oh shit," said Vince. "I forgot it. I'm sorry pops. I'm really sorry.
I had it ready on the side as well. Do you want me to go back and get
it?"

"Looking like that? I don't think so. One look and you and they'll
have you down for the dinners. I've got an idea."

"What is it?" said Vince.

"Watch and learn."

Stu went over to his suitcase. He bent over it and pulled out his
suit. Then he took out his tie and boot polish. Very carefully he
applied the boot polish to the tie, working assiduously until it was
completely covered. Then he put it on.

"I don't get it," said Vince.

"I'm a funeral director," said Stu. "If anyone asks I've come to
collect a body. Nobody'll mess with me. Come and go. Silent and
deadly."

"Good plan pops," said Vince. He was smiling. "Good plan."

"Oh yes," said Stu. "I'm a master of disguise me. A master." Then he
clapped his hands twice and went out of the door. He pulled it closed
behind him.

Day 6.

It was 02:00. Vince and Stu were sitting on the collapsible chairs.
Vince was wearing a green thong and Stu was wearing a pair of Bart
Simpson boxers. In front of them was a plate holding the detritus of a
late evening snack. Vince leant forward, took a peak through the
telescope, and then leant back.

"In the grand scheme of things," said Vince, "are you are a tits or an
arse man?"

"I've never really thought about it," said Stu belching silently into
the back of his hand.

"Well think now," said Vince.

"I guess I like them one above the other, in that order," said
Stu.

"You're funny," said Vince.

"What?" said Stu.

"When I first saw I thought, here we go, here we go, but this week's
been alright."

"Thanks," said Stu. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," said Vince. "Fire away."

"Do you really want to go to Iraq?"

"What do you mean 'really'?"

"I mean 'really'," said Stu.

"It's what we do, isn't it? National security."

"I guess so," said Stu. "The security of the nation."

"Making the nation a place to be safe," said Vince.

"Safety first and foremost," said Stu.

"Women and children can sleep peacefully in their bed knowing that
they are safe in their nation," said Vince.

"A nation of safety and security, of security and safety," said
Stu.

"Hey up," said Vince leaning forward, "I think they're going for
another turn."

"I think you're right," said Stu, leaning forward as well.

"Do you want me to go to the bathroom?" said Vince.

Stu thought for a second and then he spoke. "I think it'll be ok as
long as you promise not to look."

"That won't be much fun," said Vince, "if I'm not allowed to
look."

"At me I mean," said Stu.

"Oh yes, I see," said Vince. And then they both laughed and then they
took their turns at the telescope.

At 04:00 when it was all over and they were in their respective beds
Stu risked a question.

"Vince?" he said.

"Yeah?" mumbled Vince.

"I was wondering&;#8230;"

"Yeah?" mumbled Vince.

"Where does one buy a thong?"

Day 7.

It was the last day. It was 17:00. There was one hour to go. Vince and
Stu were sitting on their collapsible chairs. Outside it was the end of
a sunny day.

"So," said Vince, "what are you going to do when all this is
over?"

"Not sure," said Stu. "I might take a holiday. Refuel my batteries.
This week has taken it out of me."

"Tell me about it," said Vince. "Is it always this full on?"

"No," said Stu, "this week has been exceptional."

"Phew," said Vince. "Thought so." Vince paused and then spoke again.
"Can I ask you a favour, Stu?"

"Sure," said Stu. "What is it?"

"When I get back, can I put down that I want to work with you
again?"

Stu laughed. "Can you take the pace?"

"I mean it."

"You know what I'll never forget?" said Stu. "You in that chef's hat.
You should have seen yourself. There I am wondering where the hell
you've gone and then in you pop looking like Gordon bloody Ramsey. You
should have seen yourself."

"So can I?" said Vince.

"What?" said Stu.

"Put down that I want to work with you?"

Stu smiled. He didn't think about Jake. He didn't think about his wife
or his daughters. "Of course you can."

"Thank you," said Vince. "Thank you very much."

And then outside a big truck pulled up.

"What's that?" said Vince.

"I'm not sure," said Stu.

Vince and Stu watched silently as some men got out of the front of the
truck and then as some more men got out of the back. All the men were
formally dressed in top hats and tails and each of them was holding
some kind of musical instrument. The men organised themselves into four
neat rows and then they sat down on the same kind of collapsible chairs
that Vince and Stu were using. The instruments glittered brightly in
the evening sun.

"What is it?" said Vince.

"I'm not sure," said Stu, "but I think it looks like a brass
band."

The truck pulled away and right then, as if on cue, the music started
up; trombones, trumpets and various timpani. Without a doubt it was
George and Ira Gershwin's 'Someone To Watch Over Me'.

"What the hell's going on?" said Vince.

"Don't look at me," said Stu. "This is out of the blue."

Down in the street cars had stopped, people had come out of their
houses, small dogs and children were running up and down.

"It looks like there's going to be a party," said Vince.

"That's not all that it looks like," said Stu. "Look." Stu nodded
towards the door of the house they had been watching. It was
opening.

"I don't like the look of this," said Vince.

Just then powerful flashlights which had appeared out of nowhere were
flicked on, and aimed out and up towards the hotel window where Vince
and Stu were sitting.

"I think we've been rumbled," said Vince.

Out of the door of the house came the woman they had been assigned to
watch. She was wearing a black dovetailed evening coat. She was wearing
sheer tights and a top hat on a tilt. In one hand she was holding an
ebony cane and in the other a cordless microphone. She was
singing.

- There's a saying that love is blind

- Still we're often told, Seek and ye shall find

"I would say that we've definitely been spotted," said Vince. "Do we
put this down as a failure?"

- So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind

"I don't think so," said Stu. "There's a way round it."

"We lie?" said Vince.

Outside the woman had climbed onto the roof of a parked car. She was
kicking her legs. First the left and then the right.

- Only man I think of with regret

"Not lie," said Stu, "just massage the figures. It's done all the
time."

- I'd like to add his initial to my monogram

There was now a crowd around the car. Men and woman were holding
hands, smiling, lost in the music.

"For example," said Stu, "speck of uranium found in Jordan, Iraq has
nuclear capabilities. Instead of upgrading the information, we
downgrade. We say something like, woman came out of house
humming."

"Humming," said Vince, "yes I like that. Well, she is, kind of."

- I hope that he turns out to be

The crowd was growing all the time. Trombones were sliding in and out.
The woman on the car was shimmying.

"And the 40 piece brass band, the spotlights and everything else we
leave out," said Stu. "Our only sin will be one of omission. And as
everyone knows, omission is not a sin."

- Someone who'll watch over me.

"Sounds perfect," said Vince. "We off then?"

"I reckon we are," said Stu.

Vince picked up the telescope and Stu picked up the camera and then
they both picked up their suitcases and made to go out of the room. At
the door, however, Vince stopped.

"Just one question," he said.

"Yeah?" said Stu.

"What are we going to do with the hotelier?"

"Shit," said Stu, "in the thick of it all I'd completely forgotten
about her."

And then they both turned to look at the corner where the hotelier had
been trussed up for the previous three days.

"It's funny how things turn out, isn't it?" said Vince.

"I suppose it is," said Stu, "I suppose it is."