Golden Memories: Secondary School Teachers

And now ladies and gentlemen, the main bout this evening. A tag team contest, being decided by four falls and many essay submissions. In the blue corner wearing short trousers and tuf boots; a big welcome please for the snotty oiks!

"Hurrah!"

And in the red corner, wearing old wedding suits and thin jumpers; your appreciation please for the marauding misfits!

"Boo, hiss!"

If I was Adrian Mole, this is what I might have put in my diary after my first day at the big school. In my case, though, it was just a vague feeling of threat and dread.

But this is about some of the teachers today, so here we go....

Our form master was a good guy who kept a cane in view which he never used. Instead, he would occasionally use the flat of his hand on bent over buttocks. Some pupils with especially good eyesight, claimed to see him extend his middle finger at the point of impact.

The science teacher had weird hands which looked more like a giant eagle's claws, all scaly and talon like. In view of the context, some kids thought he'd burnt them in a fiendish experiment of some sort. He also had a private joke with the teacher next door, who would sometimes sneeze like Billy Bunter in a sherbet factory. Our teacher would stop in midsentence and march into his colleague's room where he would wordlessly stare for ten seconds and come back.

Being brainless louts, there was a great emphasis on physical education and gardening. Curiously, all the P.E. teachers were called Smith, and they all looked the same, being bald headed, muscular and invariably wearing jogging bottoms. Discipline was maintained by ordering pupils to hold contorted positions for long periods of time.

One sports master would always begin the session by attempting to hit a golf ball over the rugby posts with an inverted walking stick.

The art teacher was on another planet, rarely interacting with the class and generally allowing us to do what we wanted.

But just now and again he would get a funny look in his eye and give somebody a tremendous whack around the back of the head.....

Lovely.