A seagul

The Jesus freak came out of no where. So much so that I lost track
of how many beers I had drank that evening. I was thinking eight, but
then again, I was never good with numbers. I was never really good at
anything, come to think of it.
"Have you come to grips with your god, man?" His face was like a
skeleton with a large beak and a necklace of fabric hung around his
neck with the slogan 'Jesus 2000' in red stitching. His eyes were
glaring at me as he spoke and I couldn't understand what exactly he
wanted of me.
I never frequented that bar; I never really frequented any bars. I was
more of a closet drinker and when I did go to bars it was with friends,
not by myself. Some drunks are happy with the solitude of a television
and three or four beers. Burrito dinners at eleven make up our
nutrients that we don't get from the alcohol or coffee. Cigarettes are
always a must, but at the time, they were just making me more anxious
to get out of this place.
Back to the Jesus freak.
I politely answered "In the best way I can." I then downed the rest of
the Budweiser and motioned for another.
"It's at long last that the great freak walks among us!"
"And would that be Jesus?"
"No, my brother, the great freak! The outsider!"
"Aren't you a bit of an outsider?"
"I am a man who walks among the wolves as a lamb."
"An outsider, then?"
"There are no outsiders in the kingdom of heaven."
At this point I realized this man would not go any farther than his
preconceived gibberish. I really wanted to hear something exciting and
this man could have been my entertainment for the night. But, some
people not only are thick headed, but operate on a system of thought
that can go no further than what they read in a book. Like some song
they can't get out of their heads. I decided to shoo him away
with:
"But how are the peanuts?" This was a move to answer his questions
with questions that made no sense in the conversations the trouble was
that this man would go on and ignore anything I said whether it was
"how are the peanuts" or "Fire!"
"Do you walk with the good lord?"
A sigh escaped me and I responded "Only when he's buying."
"You would be more careful with your words if you faced him on the
judgement."
"I would be a rich man if I had a nickel for every time&;#8230;"
That's when it got weird. His face suddenly began to glow and he pushed
me aside and walked to the bathroom. I looked after him for a bit
putting the image in my head. Glow. His face was glowing? No, couldn't
be. But, it had. I followed to the bathroom.
"Hey, guy?" I looked around and found no one. Then I began peeking
underneath stalls and looking for escape routes. Nothing.
Exiting the bathroom I realized two things. My life was so messed up
that I could easily write off something as weird as this and that I
must be belligerently drunk.
Back in the bar the bartender was eyeing me and I decided to inquire
after the prophet. "That guy, the guy I was just talking to, do you
know him?"
"Yeah, he comes in from time to time and tries to talk people into
following him in his crusade. He buys a beer and doesn't drink it, just
so I can't kick him out during his hour visits."
"OK, I am drunk, but I sware his face was glowing."
"Your right."
"What the fuck is he then?"
"No, you're right, you're drunk."
I left that night drunk and depressed. The Jesus freak had actually
scared me. I mean, if a guy starts telling you anything and leaves you
with a luminated face, you begin to think he may be telling the truth.
Here I was, drunk, about to drive drunk home, not to mention my past
and total lack of moral judgement; was this a sign?
I passed out and the next morning it was vague memory I didn't want to
think about.
That morning I drove into work with the shits and a mild headache. The
coffee took care of both. I still have a bit of sympathy for the
toilet, though.
Mornings are the same in a corporation. You walk in, see the same
people; not in the common sense but in the sense that everyone looks
the same. Even I look the same. It's not just the leather jackets and
Jay Crew apparel, it's more. It's the faces, they all have that greedy
twist to them. Everyone says hello with the same face they fuck your
girlfriend with. I walked up the flight of stairs thinking I wished
their faces glowed.
Walking into the small dungeon that served as my workplace I was
greeted with the "Good Mornings" that I usually snap of with "Morning"
and put on my headphones. If I give them, my co-workers, time to talk I
get stuck in conversations that I can't even comprehend. I'm thinking
about what I can do to make myself happy, not how Johnny's fishing trip
went. I get sick of it.
When I turn on my computer the first thing I do is check my email.
There are women in my life, surprisingly, and I look forward to the
nowhere conversations I will have with them via email. If I happen to
be fucking them, the conversations usually consist of my jealous
ravings, but sometimes there's a thought or two; otherwise, I try to
get in a position of fucking them. Sometimes it works, most of the
time, not.
I don't really work much, only when I absolutly have to, or when I'm
strictly too bored with email conversation.
I have a desk made of fake, plastic wood, a printer that is slow, a
computer that is sucking my life force slowly and deliberately, a phone
that rarely rings, a funny calendar that I have spoiled by reading
ahead of date, a mouse that I'm not even aware I'm using-like some
bulbous limb, a coffee maker that's not mine and I don't use, a case of
CDs that tell me the same twisted story every time I hit play on the
computer, a stapler that vacations from my desk for no apparent reason,
a wire file holder that holds my supposive work, a file bin that
currenly holds nothing, a napkin, and some wires. I have no idea what
the wires go to, they were here when I took the position. Some things I
don't even use. Like my light. I have a florescent lamp that has been
on since I got here, but I've never really needed it and never had the
courage to turn it off. If I change the lighting once then I have to
decide which works best: I don't like making decisions. I have a cork
board I never use. Everyone else has nice pictures and postcards up, I
just don't see the point. Look, I figure, at any time I could be fired
for any number of reasons and if I start hanging things up it means I'm
ignoring this fact. I am well aware of all the pins and needles this
world has to offer. I don't sugar coat my life. I wish I could.
Back to the computer. Normally, I have seven windows available and
running on my computer. One is the Start window which does a bunch of
stuff but I only use to turn off my computer. Then there is the Word
window which I use to write documents that no one reads. This fact
doesn't bother me, and is not the reason I'm bad at my job. I'm bad at
my job because I am not interested in it whatsoever. I also have an
AS400 icon that brings up this annoying software that my company uses
to&;#8230;shit, who cares. Then there is a file window that can
bring up all sorts of databases that are updated daily, but have no
practical purpose. Then there is the Excel window that makes it so I
can log projects that I never work on. The Explorer window I bring up
just hit another button, I never really use it. Last, is my CD player.
This I actually use.
So, I'm at work and I open up the email window&;#8230;I forgot
about the email window! That's where I hit on women and tell dirty
jokes! Yes, sadly that is my only interesting window. I wish I had a
fantasy window or a masturbation window, but I don't. Anyway, so I hit
the window and I have five messages all from an unknown source and sent
at 9.30 exactly. As it happens that's when I popped the windown up-I'm
always late for work.
So I open the first one and read the following:
"Do you repent?"
I immediately think of the Jesus Freak. Now, I'm completely freaked
out.
The second:
"The only thing you could find in that bathroom is your soul."
Now, I'm a little ashamed and embarrassed, as well as completely
freaked out.
The third.
"There is time."
Now, I believe the man and am completely depressed at the sad
relization that I have to start leading a halfway decent life or end up
living in eternal damnation. As if my life doesn't suck already.
The fourth.
"I'm in your computer and I think I broke something."
At that point the computer went dead.
So, there I was staring at this dead computer with one thing in mind.
My life is now more fucked up.
I was able to start the computer up after scanning for errors for a
half hour of straight desperation.
The fifth message was simple.
"Meet me on the bridge at noon."
Noon usually seems about two days away when I'm at work and it's 10,
but now it seemed to be an eternity.
The hours passed in which I felt I should work or something to give
the impression that I would now be a good Christian. Now, I was
actually engaging in conversation with the my fellow drones. I was
acting like I was interested in the fact that Johnny's daughter was
dating a guy with a nose ring and that Emma's house had a busted septic
tank. After the first hour I found out two things about myself:
One: No one cares about what I have to say either.
Two: I have no interest in people that can't give me something in some
way.
So, now I realized that my problem wasn't that I didn't care about
these people because they weren't worth it. I didn't care about these
people because there is nothing they can give me. Long ago I gave up
the belief that anyone will tell me something that will help my life
out. I know all the right things to do. But, I also know that by doing
those things I'm living a lie. That lie being that I'm being nice for
genuine reasons. In reality, if I were to be nice, I would be doing it
to please others-not because I care about them. So, heaven I found is a
Catch 22 and no matter what the Jesus Freak says I'm doomed to hell
from my birth. Now I was mad. What kind of god would send me down here
only to go to hell? And not only that, but make my life a hell in the
process. I mean, shit, some of these hell bound bastards had some fun.
Hitler nearly took over the world, Cesear go fuck and drink everything
in site. Where was my fun? If I'm going to hell, I might as well have
fun doing it. But, then, I've never tried to go to heaven either, and
I'm not having any fun anyway. There's only so far I can go. Maybe I
would sell out my own mother for riches, but the chance has never came
up.
During these thoughts Johnny is telling me about how his daughter was
gang raped by two dozen midgets and I realize he's making a point of
making it apparent that I'm not listening. I laugh and look at the
clock. Fifteen till.
"Gotta go."
"&;#8230;And that was the worst Christmas ever." Johnny did have a
good sense of humor.
So, I'm out at the bridge waiting for this freak to come so I can tell
him that there is no way I can be a good Christian.
At 12.02 a seagul lands on a post of the bridge and begins
talking.
I'm surprisingly together about it. Yet, I realize that in the movies
when weird things happen the hero is the only person that can see them.
So I'm getting self conscience about the fact that I'm staring dumb
founded at a seagul.
"You've come." The movies are wrong. A passer by was walking passed me
and heard. She looked at me and said "Excuse, me?"
The seagul explained "I was talking to him."
"Holy Shit!" The woman ran off in a panic and I realized that if I
ever saw her again it would be very uncomfortable.
"Can we talk somewhere else?" I asked my new seagul friend.
"Yes." At that moment the environment dropped out and I was surrounded
by a desert. It was extremely hot and I began wondering if I was now in
hell.
"You're not in hell." That settled that.
"What the hell is going on?" I was at wit's end with the talking
seagul.
"You're being chosen to spread the word."
"K, if you can get in my computer and read my thoughts you must have
some idea of my doubts of leading a moral life."
"Yes, that's why we chose you."
"But, c'mon, in the bar you were talking about repent and walk with
god, you know I can't."
"That was a bit of a ploy to get you thinking."
"Then what's your angle?"
"I am of heaven, but heaven has sort of gone tits up."
"Excuse me?"
"Tit's up. The game's over. The devil's been dead for years, Hitler
was his last strike and just as we knew, the devil finally gave up.
Hell, he was the devil, courage and patience aren't attributes of the
evil."
"Then why are kid's killing each other and why is everyone
unhappy&;#8230;well most people, the people that are happy seem to
be faking it like robots."
"Well, like I said, Heaven doesn't care anymore. God isn't dead, he's
just bored with his creation. And without the devil, there's really no
use. He kinda made the devil to sort of give himself a challenge, but
you see the paradox."
"Why am I talking to a seagul in a desert, again?"
"Well, God's about to wrap things up and leave the Earth to
Earth."
"Wait, what about everything else? The Universe and such, is he part
of that too? I mean there has to be other people out there."
"No, that was pretty much for show. We put images in your little
looking glasses to keep you going. This is the point: there is no point
and God has decided to quit trying to find one."
"What about infinity and the fact that nothing can not really happen.
I mean even if we're all done for, I mean, there has to be something
left. And if there is something left, even a void, who tends the
void?"
"You people were supposed to one day figure that out. God created all
this as a sort of sounding board for his frustrations. Besides some
pretty good books, movies and music you people really never figured it
out."
"Then where will he go?"
"To the void he came from."
"Will he still be conscience?"
"No."
"Then how did he create all this and come out of that void?"
"Don't know. That's why we figured there was something else out
there."
"So, this is the end, we're giving up?"
"Not exactly, we're just leaving things up to you."
"So, we're going to stay down here without God?"
"Unless you can figure out one good reason not to."
"Uh, give me a sec." It took awhile for the answer to come. I really
didn't think it was there.