The Eggshell War Chapter 5.

                                   Chapter Five.

 

                                     Almost War.

 

          The tenth day dawned. Shilee woke early, realised what day it was, and tried to crawl back under the sheets. It was no use, though; there was no escape. Queen Rawty was already up and dressed and in a foul mood. Her breakfast egg was still not being opened properly. She had no intention of letting the army go off to war without her. Besides, she had armour made just for such an occasion. Blonden helped the Queen put it on. Later she remarked to the cook that it made the Queen look like an outsize tin of corned beef.

King Shilee put on his armour. He felt too ill to eat any breakfast at all. Then it was time to go.

In Tufanasty, King Proudlee was already on the road with his army marching towards Dulanstufy. He liked a nice early start; then it could all be over in time for a decent lunch.

Perhaps I ought to describe the armies. Dulanstufy had one Field Marshal, two generals, three majors, four lieutenants, eight sergeants, sixteen corporals and sixty‑five soldiers, plus Prince Charmless, making one hundred men in all. Tufanasty had two generals, four captains, eight lieutenants, eight ensigns, eight sergeants, eight corporals and sixty‑three soldiers, making one hundred and one men.

Shilee had only a small army because he had no intention of ever fighting anybody. The soldiers were mainly kept for guard duty and show.

Proudlee had only a small army because no‑one wanted to fight for him.

So one hundred and three Dulanstuffians marched on Tufanasty, and one hundred and three Tufanastians marched on Dulanstufy. Before you get your fingers and brains tied in knots, the three extra Dulanstuffians were King Shilee, Queen Rawty and Sir Lite. The two extra Tufanastians were King Proudlee and his daughter.

It might seem a strange place to find a princess, going to fight a war, but this princess was no ordinary, empty‑headed, pretty little fluffy toy doll of a king’s daughter. One, she was not empty‑headed. Her head was probably solid bone all the way through. Two, she was not sweet. There was nothing she liked more than fighting and battles — the more blood the better. Small and pretty? Well, that depends on you. If you like double‑decker buses, then you may have found her attractive. She was not much smaller than a bus either. As for being a fluffy toy doll, then only if you have a life‑sized grizzly bear sharing your life could you say that.

I have not mentioned her name yet. It was Princess Soweren Asty.

Yes, I know — you have heard that name before somewhere. You remember: that was the name of the Princess for whom Charmless had fallen. As you may have gathered, Charmless was not very bright.

The march of the armies did not last very long, and since there was only one road between the two kingdoms, the two armies met at the border. Well, almost met. The road was blocked.

Standing in the middle of the road was a very large elephant. Sitting on the elephant was The Great Panjandrum of Sortitowt. He was such a powerful ruler of a large country that he never travelled anywhere without a small part of his army — five hundred men in all.

These soldiers were spread out on either side of the road, making it impossible for either side to get at each other to begin fighting.

King Shilee was very pleased, but Queen Rawty and King Proudlee were furious. Prince Soweren was very disappointed. Prince Charmless was thankful. It was all very well getting dressed up in armour and practising using a sword on a dummy, but to go into battle where somebody was actually going to try to stick a sword in you — that was very different. Charmless had decided that he was going to hide behind his mother. Nobody would dare to attack her. Besides, he did not want to fight. He wanted to find his princess.

A trumpet sounded and a herald invited the leaders of both sides to partake of morning coffee in the Great Panjandrum’s Pavilion. Nobody dared refuse. Soon both royal families were drinking their coffee and munching arrowroot biscuits, though at separate tables and without speaking.

When the coffee was drunk, the discussions began. The G.P. spoke first.

“Correct me if I am wrong, but let me see if I understand the situation correctly. King Proudlee is upset because the top has come off the Mountain and spoiled his view.”

Proudlee nodded and glared at Queen Rawty.

“King Shilee is upset because the Mountain belongs to him and he does not want anyone else to look at it.”

King Shilee shook his head. He did not care who looked at the Mountain. Queen Rawty nodded and glared at King Proudlee.

“The Dwarf King, Shortenstowt, is upset because the Mountain top is the roof of his home. I also believe that a certain robber, Nikitanrun, is angry because he cannot get into his hideout.”

Everyone agreed that the G.P. had summed up the situation perfectly.

“A thousand thanks for your patience in listening to me,” said the G.P. “But now, with your kind permission, I have one or two questions to ask.”

They could not refuse.

“King Proudlee first, then.”

Queen Rawty frowned at that, but the G.P. gave her such a charming smile that she did not argue.

“Would you take your brave and fearsome army home if the Mountain was put back?”

King Proudlee thought for a moment. “If the — huh — Dulanstufy army — hah — go home and the Mountain is repaired, then I will march my unbeatable force home again.”

The G.P. bowed. “A most wise decision.”

Queen Rawty sniffed.

The G.P. turned to King Shilee. “Would you object if a member of your family was to look at the Mountain?”

Queen Rawty looked puzzled, but shook her head. Shilee shook his. All he wanted was peace and quiet.

“So, if Proudlee was related to you, he could look at the Mountain?”

Shilee nodded.

“But he’s not related,” protested the Queen. “So I don’t see how that helps.”

The G.P. smiled and pointed with his chin. In his country it was considered very rude to point with a finger, and as you know the G.P. was very polite.

The monarchs turned to look. Prince Charmless and Princess Soweren had found each other. They were sitting gazing into each other’s eyes. They had much in common. They both liked blood — as long as it was other people’s — cream cakes, banquets, and best of all, they were both as stupid as each other.

The G.P. suggested that if the young people married, then Shilee would be related, by marriage. Without waiting for the Queen, Shilee agreed. Proudlee was rather pleased to see his daughter married off. She made him feel small and she cost a fortune to feed.

“But,” someone pointed out, “the Mountain top is still off.”

“Aaah,” said the G.P. “I hope nobody minds, but my magician, the Great Ind, has been working with Sir Lite. They tell me that they should be ready to do something about the Mountain top at any time.”

A servant entered the Pavilion and whispered something in the G.P.’s ear.

“Indeed, if you would care to step outside now, they appear to be ready.”

They all went outside. It was a beautiful clear day and the Mountain could be seen, topless in the morning sun.

The Great Ind, dressed in fine robes, stepped forward. This was not his real name — that was Ian Ropetric, and he came from Manchester. He chanted a spell full of arm‑waving and strange words. The air round the Mountain shimmered, and slowly the top returned to its rightful place. Everyone cheered.

The marriage took place straight away, before the couple could change their minds. The ceremony was performed by the Archbishop of Tufanasty, the Right Reverend Loudly Preechin. King Proudlee gave the pair an empty castle to live in. Shilee and Queen Rawty gave them the furniture. The G.P. gave them a pair of elephants. That caused a few problems, but the roses round the castle were the biggest and best in the area.

King Shortenstowt returned the gold and also solved the Queen’s breakfast egg problem. He suggested that she had her egg poached. The Queen was so delighted she ordered Shilee to give the dwarves the right to live under the Mountain forever.

Nikitanrun had made so much money from the latest crime wave that he decided to retire. Later he found this rather boring, but Shilee found the perfect job for a man of his talents. He made him the Chief of Police.

During the wedding banquet, the G.P. stood up and announced that King Shilee had promised to eat an elephant if peace could be made between Dulanstufy and Tufanasty.

“Now is the time for King Shilee to eat his words.”

The G.P. clapped his hands. The door to the banqueting hall opened and in staggered four huge serving men, carrying the largest silver tray anyone had ever seen. King Shilee went white. He did not think he could manage to eat a whole elephant.

The tray was placed on the table and the cover removed. In the centre was a perfect miniature elephant made from icing sugar.

Shilee gave a sigh of relief and began to laugh.