76. Lady Double Dealer

We finished up our pasta. Mr D clicked some grappa into existence. Lilith clapped her hands. TAFKAG let out a yip of pleasure like an over-excited terrier. I wasn’t looking forward to it, myself. Mr D’s cigar smoke floated across the table and high into the South Dakota sky.

‘Sooooo… what’s the deal? You say.’

Lilith raised an eyebrow. ‘Do I get a deal? Like a moll on death row?’

I said I hoped the deal wasn’t anything to do with me.

‘But it is, Gabe, it is.’

I yam-singed the grappa. It made my eyes water. By the time I could see again Mr D had filled the glass.

He did the steepled fingers thing. That’s when I knew even if he took me to the Mount Quarantania, I’d make like Hey Soos and say thanks but no thanks.

‘So, we have a problem of competence.’ He pointed across the table at the Lord Of Hosts. Then he pointed at himself.

‘And burn out.’ He set off on a demonic cackle. I figured if anyone could allow themselves such a thing at their own joke, it was Satan.

‘What we need,’ he picked a little basil out of a fang,’ is to maintain balance. Over time I’ve come to respect His’ - there was a more respectful nod to TAFKAG this time - ‘Kosmosansicht. It’s not a Manichæan struggle. It’s an eternal stalemate. If one king topples on the board, the game is finished, over. There is no more game, no more Earthly Plane, nor any other. I don’t think anyone wants that. I certainly don’t.’

Lilith asked Mr D for a cigar. It didn’t blow up in her face, like I wanted it to.

‘So, Lilith, I know you wanted a different position, but I’m interviewing you for mine. We’ll get to Yahweh’s replacement later. Now, tell me, what you might bring to the post of the Lady of Hades?’

Lilith began counting off on her long fingers. ‘Implacability. Vengefulness. Dedication. Not a team player, I’m afraid, will that be a problem?’

The Devil was still being distracted by the remains of the ragu in his mouth. ‘Ah, no, no, I don’t think so.' He looked skyward, ‘Looks like rain. Can you tell us your greatest quality and achievement?’

Lilith thrust out her bosom, though I was sure Mr D had lost interest in that sort of thing centuries ago.

‘I’m a proven finder of imaginative solutions, including the memorable Final One of not too long ago.’

‘Yes, yes, all very admirable, I’m sure. Now, what are your weaknesses?’

‘None, none at all.’

Mr D turned to me. ‘Ah, she reminds me so much of my younger self. When I look back I can’t say I care much for the Young Lucifer.’

Then he turned to Lilith, ‘You’re hired.’