Dear All (I.P.)

Dear All, (special mention for Victor, last next-door-neighbour but one, how much was the lottery win by the way?).

All is well here at Lutterworth Towers. Thanks for that John (you know who you are) it's quite funny really. Though I do think it's a little unfair - since it's only a victorian terrace and the second bathroom isn't finished. Jonquil is coping well after the unfortunate incident in the supermarket and has been wonderful since I took charge of the medication. Viveca is doing very well at the new free school, this term's report included a remark from the head saying he's never had a student like her. We were so proud. Bevel is not doing so well at the Montessori and one of the younger female teachers did remark that he seems a little precocious. Most boys like to explore the differences between themselves and girls, so I don't consider it too much of a problem.

Jonquil's indisposition means that this news-letter business has fallen to me, along with the housework and feeding Poppaea. There are some wonderful formulae in Tescos which are quite as good as those in Sainsbury's, thank goodness. Those of you who know Lassiter and Quim will be aware that I'm on a leave of absence for six months by mutual agreement. I'm not sure that I will go back as Tarquin Lassiter did make a few provisos that I could not accept and I'm not sure that kind of surgery is possible or even legal.

Those of you who went to school with me will remember how well I ran the tuck shop at Prendergast. I've started doing a stall at the Car Boot on alternate Sundays. It's going rather well although you would not believe the amount of thievery attempted. Sometimes it's not even Oiks!
Suffice to say the Carters and ourselves are no longer on speakers. Last week we cleared a splendid 150 pounds. I must admit I was sad to see Jonquil's dresses go. She said she'd never wear them again even though the Doctor did say any weight gain would be temporary.

Last week Jonquil's mother, Boudicca, arrived with more than the customary two suitcases. She has kindly offered to stay until her daughter's indisposition is over. Unfortunately this means that I have had to move out of the spare bedroom to the sofa. However, as Boudicca is fond of saying, we're all in it together. I'm trying to disabuse Bevel of the habit of stage whispering 'up to our necks', when she does.

On Christmas Day itself, Viveca's new beau is dropping by. It must be love since he had to fill in quite a few forms at the remand centre to enable him to visit Chez Nous, rather than his mum's flat over on the estate. I like to think we're doing our bit for those less fortunate than ourselves. In any event Kyle is a huge improvement on Viveca's guest last year, Buster. I'm not entirely convinced that he had no connection with our burglary Boxing Day last, especially after hearing his cryptic conversation on a mobile better than the one the office supplied to me. Viveca bade farewell to Buster shortly after his trial. I think she'd accepted he was just a tad to old for her. At least Kyle is only 15 and girls do mature earlier, don't they?

Anyway, as you see I'm sending this E-mail with all our Christmas wishes. Jonquil and I both agreed we'd prefer to do a little for the planet and not send actual cards this year. If you like you could contribute to your favourite charity instead. I shall be donating to Fathers 4 Justice this year, just in case.

Merry Christmas all
Jonty Lutterworth and Family.