In the beginning
By Graceshields
Wed, 16 May 2018
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I think its been about 7 years since it all started, and about 6 months since it ended. End was never a word that i thought i'd have to associate with him again. But you should never say never.
'From my window, i saw two birds, lost at sea, i caught our reflection, in that silent tragedy'
No one else ever understood, but that never mattered. I remember sitting on his knee in the garden and he told me that no matter what anyone else said we were good, 'we're solid' he said it again and again, 'we're solid, we've got this' ''you and me' Now he's probably saying that to her.
He used to say that he loved that my pupils would dilate when I looked at him, when you look at something you love. They still do, I can feel it.
'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same'
Years before we got together, we would catch eyes across the room, both pretending that we didnt want to be caught looking at the other. It felt like burning, burning emotions, his eyes burnt in to mine. It felt like he was looking straight through my eyes and in to my brain, in to my soul. He said that we used to say I love you with our eyes, years before we really breathed the words to each other. I still try and say it now. Because whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
'I remember that time that you told me, you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine 'cause
Part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time'
Someone from a past relationship once said to me that the reason he found it so hard when I went from his life was because I was such a big part of him, growing up, and becoming himself, that when i went it felt like a part of him, and this person who knew him so well, and had been by his side for years, had gone. I nodded and said yes, I agree. That was a lie. I knew it was a lie because I knew exactly what he was talking about, and I couldnt agree more, but it just wasnt about him. I was having these defining moments, and the way I thought about everything was changing, just not with him.
Growing from the ages of 20 to 23, I developed in to what I believe will still be recognisable in the final form of me. I became who I was supposed to become. It would never have happened without him, I took so much from him, so inspired, so intense, so jealous and full of love. We grew together, every single one of my happiest memories, and my most defining moments, and the thoughts and feeling of complete love, complete adoration, aswell as complete despair and devastation, have him in them. 'cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time.
'In my head you're the mother of my children' Thats what he said to me one night, then he ran away, he literally ran away. We were drunk, drunk and playing with each others emotions and pretending we were just playing with our own, pretending that we didnt know or didnt mind that every minute we didnt spend talking to each other was a moment lost, a moment we could have had together, because being drunk was our time, it could be 5-10% less a secret when we were drunk. We could steal ourselves away from the group and go off and talk, or dance close to each other and no one would notice because they were drunk as well, and they wouldnt think anything of it because we were just friends. It was an affair, nothing physical ever happened, but that doesnt mean it wasnt an affair, I was completely and totally emotionally involved with someone who wasnt my boyfriend.
We never kissed, sometimes we wanted to and wished we could, but more often than not all we wanted to do was talk, learn about the other person and hear what they had to say about things. Play with the electricity that was between us, throw these sparks to and fro and see where they landed, and wonder what it would be like if we followed them.
We just wanted to be close, and let our souls that were made of the same thing at least be close to each other for a few hours.
We would take every oppertunity we could to see each other, but would never meet up alone, that was a step too far for him. I was always much more willing to admit, and wanting, and yearning, and sometimes begging to address what was going on between us. He would only ever take it so far, play with the bounderies of what was ok between close friends. Create the sparks and set them off in to the darkness, but then hide his eyes and never follow.
'Together Wendy we can live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
H-Oh, Someday girl I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
Where we really wanna go
And we'll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us
Baby we were born to run'
Every time I wondered if it would be the last time, would this be the last time we would have to pretend it wasnt real, the last time that we would have to go home alone, the last time that I would have to wonder where the sparks would lead us, the last time I would have to mourn the unknown.
The consolation was to hope it wasnt just me feeling this way, if we both wondered, we lived with the sadness together, and loved with all the madness in our souls.
We used different methods to communicate with each other, like when we said I love you with our eyes, I would hear songs and look at him, and we would be saying them to each other. Even now, looking at some of the lyrics, most I haven't listened to since we were in that phase of our relationship, my hands shake as I type them, I cry when the song gets to particular phrases and it all comes flooding back. The huge, uncontrollable wanting, the wishing and hoping every day, the complete despair, numbness and denial that maybe we would never get to find out what could have been, and i'd have to grow old still wanting him.
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