Like in my nightmares
I saw them today, like I do in my nightmares. I could feel it was going to happen, I knew, I could have avoided it, but I wasnt strong enough to fight the part of me that wanted to see him so badly. If only just for a second, it had been so long.
I took steady breaths to calm myself as I neared the part of the street where I expected him to be. I saw her first. I wonder if she remembers what I look like, if she cares. Then I saw him, but he didnt see me, his back was turned. It wasn't enough, I had to see him see me. I went in to the coffee shop opposite, watching him, he was looking in my direction but I couldn't tell if he could see me. Maybe he wondered what it was that was telling him to turn that way. I came out, and he saw. His face was open and friendly as he greeted me 'Hey' he said, smiling. I raised some fingers of the hand I was holding my coffee with as a greeting. I knew no words would come out. I felt my breathing start to speed up rapidly, quickly getting out of my control, felt my heart racing and thoughts and feeling swimming round in my head. I felt my feet start to run. I looked away too quickly to see if he cared that I had run without a hello or a goodbye. I ran around the corner and maybe managed to make a fall look intentional as I threw myself down on to a bench. I rolled a cigarette and took long slow deep drags to try and calm myself and steady my breathing.
I could still see him in the distance, he had walked away from where he had been standing, I hoped he was looking for me, he seemed to be scanning the crowd, he couldnt tell that I was so close, watching him.
I knew how white I must look and I could feel myself shaking, knew how terrible this was making me feel but I couldn't stop. I stood up and walked in his direction, wanting to seemingly unintentionally put myself in his sight. To find out if he was looking for me, to see if he would come, but he didnt see, and I had to give up, more efdorts and it would have made it obvious what I was doing.
I pushed down the feelings of vomiting, pushed down the tears and went the way I was supposed to go.
I hope he was looking, I hope he regretted not finding me, I hope he was torn in to a thousand tiny pieces, to see me for a second then let me run and not find me again. I hope it was on his mind for hours after, I hope its at the back of his mind now, tourturing him that we haven't spoken in months and he let this oppertunity slip through his fingers. I hope he hates himself for it, because it's all i've got left, if i can't make him feel love and happiness then regret and sadness is better than nothing. I just want to infect his mind, like he's infected mine.
But that will be the last time I let him see inside me, the last time I will let him see me run. From now on I will show him nothing, reflect him off my eyes, their surface will be black and cold to him. I will stand there like sarah in Labyrinth, I will finaly remember my line, I will look in his eyes with mine dead and cold, and I will tell him he has no power over me, and I will hope he doesnt realise it's a lie.