The Dumb Waiter 2026

A play for today in one act

Apologies to Harold Pinter

(image: mine)

SCENE: A basement room. Two beds, flat against the back wall. Between the beds, the closed hatch of a dumb waiter with an electric bell on the wall beside it. To the left, a door labelled KITCHEN. To the right, a door labelled TOILET.

Two men, BEN and GUS, are the only characters. BEN is lying on the left bed, GUS on the right bed, both fully-clothed. Both are scrolling through their phones.

As they read items on their screens, or watch videos, they give a variety of laughs, sighs, head shakes and exclamations: surprise, horror, shock, merriment, anger, outrage, etc. These are improvised by each actor. Exclamations should include: "Kaw!" "Unbelievable!" "Oh my God!" "Jesus!" "Get away!" "Wanker!" "Caarr!" "Shit!" "Awesome!" "Fuck me!" "What?" "Really?" "Stupid cunt!" etc. The reactions should show the actors going through the range of emotions each, often with one laughing as the other is raging. They never acknowledge one another's presence in any way.

At intervals throughout the play, the electric bell should sound for a few seconds, followed by the sound of the dumb waiter operating. The dumb waiter hatch opens automatically and remains open for a few seconds, each time revealing something different inside: a plate of hot food; a radio playing loud pop music; a severed human head covered in blood; a ticking time-bomb; a parakeet squawking loudly in a cage; two bottles of scotch; a bag of laughs operating. Each ring of the bell and action of the dumb waiter is ignored by both BEN and GUS, who continue to be engrossed with their phones.

At other short intervals throughout the play, one character should switch to thumb-typing a text message and sending it. The other character's phone plays the scary strings theme from 'Psycho' at ear-blasting volume to notify the text arrival. That character stops and reads the text, thumb-types a reply, sends. The first character's phone plays the main theme from Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' at ear-blasting volume to notify the text arrival. This action continues for two or three short exchanges each. With each exchange, BEN and GUS look up and glance at each other for a beat, before returning to their phones.

Also at intervals during the play, each character should separately get up and go into the toilet for a minute, continuing to be engaged with his phone. A flush is heard, and then that character returns to his bed and continues with his phone. Each character should also separately get up and go into the kitchen, coming back with a biscuit or a mug of tea, all the time continuing engagement with his phone.

The above actions continue for two hours.

At the end of this period, BEN and GUS are both back in their original positions - on their beds with their phones. Suddenly, both of them become consternated, making angry exclamations. It becomes clear that they have lost signal. They shake their phones, slap their phones, bang their phones, becoming angrier and angrier as they do. Finally, in desperation, they both throw their phones to the floor, smashing them. They each then draw their legs up to their chests and fold their arms over their heads in despair and frustration. They begin rocking and showing other signs of agitation and anxiety.

The bell rings and they both stop and look at it. The dumb waiter is heard operating. They both get up and go to the hatch. When it opens, it contains two guns.

BEN and GUS take a gun each. BEN aims his at GUS's head, GUS aims his at BEN's head. They pull their triggers. The guns go off and both characters fall to the floor dead - their brains splattered each way across the stage.

CURTAIN