Hilda Doyle's Boil

A silly piece of nonsense, inspired by Hilaire Belloc.

Not for the faint-hearted or easily-offended!

(my image)

 

 

Hilda Doyle had a boil

growing in her ear.

Doctor Francett said "I'll lance it -

pass my Zulu spear.

Now, for this little operation

I'll need your full cooperation.

Take of your clothes

and hold your nose

and keep quite still, my dear."

 

In a cradle by his table,

Hilda placed her might.

On her ear-lip sat the spear-tip -

Francett lined his sight.

But just as he began to work,

he fell and gave the spear a jerk -

straight on through

the weapon flew:

in the left and out the right.

 

Poor old Hild was almost killed -

her screams were heard for miles.

The poor doc tried, but spear defied

and stuck there all the while.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle," he said,

"You'll have to keep it in your head.

But don't be sad,

it's not so bad -

the chap before had piles."

 

So, quite depressed, poor Hilda dressed

and headed for the door.

But there she stuck, because her nut

was wider than before.

At last she made it out with ease

by swinging eighty-nine degrees,

which caught the doc

a frightful sock

and knocked him to the floor.

 

But in the street she found her feet

and strode along quite cheerful -

though passers-by were quite surprised

to view her speary earful.

One fool even tried to mug her,

but she foiled that little bugger -

she swung her nut

and stabbed his butt,

which made him very tearful.

 

Back indoors her husband's jaws

fell open at the sight.

He said "Oh dear! It's very queer.

You sure you feel alright?"

She shook her head, impaled a chair

and made a parting through his hair.

"I shift my bed,"

the poor chap said.

"We'll sleep apart tonight."

 

And I'm afraid like that she stayed.

Their love life was a joke.

If he got hear to chew her ear,

he got a nasty poke.

But Hilda suffered too, you see -

the neighbours called her 'Mrs T',

and kids would swing

upon the thing -

the naughty little folk!

 

And so today, she's still that way -

though now she's rather posh.

Because her spear-embedded ears

have earned her lots of dosh.

She's perfect as a sailing mast,

or crucifixion plaster casts,

and she's a fine

rotating line

for pegging out your wash.