Hilda Doyle's Boil

By HarryC
- 119 reads
A silly piece of nonsense, inspired by Hilaire Belloc.
Not for the faint-hearted or easily-offended!
(my image)
Hilda Doyle had a boil
growing in her ear.
Doctor Francett said "I'll lance it -
pass my Zulu spear.
Now, for this little operation
I'll need your full cooperation.
Take of your clothes
and hold your nose
and keep quite still, my dear."
In a cradle by his table,
Hilda placed her might.
On her ear-lip sat the spear-tip -
Francett lined his sight.
But just as he began to work,
he fell and gave the spear a jerk -
straight on through
the weapon flew:
in the left and out the right.
Poor old Hild was almost killed -
her screams were heard for miles.
The poor doc tried, but spear defied
and stuck there all the while.
"I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle," he said,
"You'll have to keep it in your head.
But don't be sad,
it's not so bad -
the chap before had piles."
So, quite depressed, poor Hilda dressed
and headed for the door.
But there she stuck, because her nut
was wider than before.
At last she made it out with ease
by swinging eighty-nine degrees,
which caught the doc
a frightful sock
and knocked him to the floor.
But in the street she found her feet
and strode along quite cheerful -
though passers-by were quite surprised
to view her speary earful.
One fool even tried to mug her,
but she foiled that little bugger -
she swung her nut
and stabbed his butt,
which made him very tearful.
Back indoors her husband's jaws
fell open at the sight.
He said "Oh dear! It's very queer.
You sure you feel alright?"
She shook her head, impaled a chair
and made a parting through his hair.
"I shift my bed,"
the poor chap said.
"We'll sleep apart tonight."
And I'm afraid like that she stayed.
Their love life was a joke.
If he got hear to chew her ear,
he got a nasty poke.
But Hilda suffered too, you see -
the neighbours called her 'Mrs T',
and kids would swing
upon the thing -
the naughty little folk!
And so today, she's still that way -
though now she's rather posh.
Because her spear-embedded ears
have earned her lots of dosh.
She's perfect as a sailing mast,
or crucifixion plaster casts,
and she's a fine
rotating line
for pegging out your wash.
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Comments
This brightened my day Harry.
This brightened my day Harry. The lines 'one fool even tried to mug her/but she foiled the little bugger' will forever rank alongside William McGonagall's finest!
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