Withnail & I 2: Beer and Loving in Penrith (1)

I recently completed a script for a sequel to the 1987 cult comedy 'Withnail & I'. It is set 30 years after the original film - on the cusp of the millennium, when our two 'heroes' are approaching 60.  They've led quite different lives to the ones the original film led us to believe, and there are a few surprises in store!  Several fellow fans have read it and have enjoyed it, so I thought I'd start posting it here.  Some fan-fiction for any of you who know and love the film as much as I do.  (image: my own)

FADE UP:

1. EXT. CARAVAN SITE - DAY

A small caravan site in a muddy field.  Mainly old caravans and static
homes that are used all year around. Obvious signs of permanent
residency: tiny gardens, sheds, dog kennels, etc. It’s in a rural
location, except…

SFX: TRAFFIC SOUNDS FROM A NEARBY MAJOR ROAD

Close in on one particular caravan - a 6-berther, old school, dented up,
faded paintwork.  An aging Ford Fiesta is parked outside.  A hand-carved
wooden sign by the door says ‘MARWOOD’

CAPTION: SOMEWHERE NEAR MARGATE, 1999

CUT TO:

2.  INT. CARAVAN - DAWN

Some clutter, but generally neat and tidy.  A wine rack, mostly full, is
built into a shelf unit.  Theatrical and literary posters and photos
plaster the walls - especially of Hemingway, Raymond Carver, Chekhov,
the Beats.  There is a manual typewriter on the table with two
neatly-stacked piles of A4 paper - one with blank pages, the other with
typed pages. Also on the table are an empty wine bottle and a wine glass
with dregs in the bottom.

MARWOOD is asleep in the double bed.  A clock radio sits on the bedside cabinet,
showing 3:59 am. It then changes to 4:00 am and the alarm sounds. 
MARWOOD groans, reaches an arm out from under the duvet, switches it
off.  He doesn’t move.

SFX: A DOG STARTS BARKING OUTSIDE, NEARBY

MARWOOD puts his pillow over his head for a few seconds, but finally gives in. 
He sits up and switches on a bedside lamp.  Old now - nearly 60!  He is
wearing an old Pink Floyd t-shirt.  He puts on his glasses and switches
the clock radio to the Radio 4 News.

The ANNOUNCER is talking about the approaching millennium, mentioning
experts’ disagreements about whether or not all computers will crash on
1st January 2000.

MARWOOD pulls a hoodie on over his shirt, then gets up and stumbles to the shower room.

CUT TO:

3. INT. CARAVAN - DAWN

MARWOOD is dressed in working clothes and is sitting at the typewriter, mug of coffee steaming, typing quickly.

MARWOOD (V.O. AS HE TYPES)

‘Where they could stand as he was standing now - looking down over the endless
sea and the endless sky, and the play of light on the endlessly moving
water.  At the remnants of the village out there, still poking through. 
And the seals, laid up on the sandbank, basking there, like the living
dead. At all of it.  All of it moving through the rest of the day and
into the next, where anything might happen and it all might end in a
world that would end one day anyway. Or it all might start over again.’

He stops, pulls out the page, looks through it with a favourable
expression, then places it down on the ‘typed’ pile on the table.

CUT TO:

4. EXT. CARAVAN - DAWN

More daylight than before.  MARWOOD emerges from his caravan wearing a
Hi-Viz jacket over his work clothes.  He gets into the Fiesta.  It takes
a few tries to start the engine.  When it finally gets running, he puts
on the wipers to clear the condensation from the windscreen.

He switches on the radio as he drives off.

SFX: ‘THE DRUGS DON’T WORK’ BY THE VERVE. IT STARTS OFF AS IF HEARD ON THE
CAR RADIO, THEN CHANGES TO THE MAIN MUSIC SOUNDTRACK OVER:

CUT TO:

5. INT. CAR - DAWN

MARWOOD driving along a B-road in the early morning.

CUT TO:

6. EXT. ROAD - DAWN

MARWOOD driving into a more built-up urban area as the song progresses.

CUT TO:

7. EXT.  SUPERMARKET ENTRANCE - DAWN

MEDIUM SHOT. The shutters are still down.  A few other workers are gathered outside, huddling up in coats against the cold.

MARWOOD drives into shot and parks. The music stops as he switches off the
engine.  He gets out of the car and walks towards the other workers.

CLOSE UP as MARWOOD walks up.  He identifies another worker, WEASEL, and goes
to him. WEASEL is late 50s, scrawny, with a face that gave him his
name!

MARWOOD

Morning, Weasel.

WEASEL

Alright, mate.

WEASEL lights his rollie, then lights a cigarette that MARWOOD has taken out.

MARWOOD

Cheers.

WEASEL

I wish this fucker would hurry up and let us in.  My nut sack’s shelterin’ up me arse.

MARWOOD

Who’s duty this morning?

WEASEL

Cuntface.

MARWOOD (FLATLY)

Great!

The shutters finally go up and CUNTFACE lets them in. He’s 50s, heavy-set,
smartly-dressed and self-important - beard and moustache trimmed very
neatly.  Think Richard Attenborough in ‘Guns at Batasi’. He is holding a
clipboard.

CUNTFACE

Morning, lads.  Need to shift it.  Delivery’s here.

CUT TO:

8. INT. CHANGING ROOM - DAY

Untidy and grubby: coat hooks, lockers, discarded shoes.

WEASEL and MARWOOD are putting on work aprons.  WEASEL takes a bottle of
cooking sherry from his locker and takes a good swig.  He offers the
bottle to MARWOOD.

WEASEL

Sherry?

MARWOOD

Bit early for me thanks, mate. Save a drop for after shift.

WEASEL

Before shift’s when I need it the most.

MARWOOD stands at a mirror by the door, checking that he looks presentable. The mirror has a printed message on it:

‘APPEARANCE IS IMPORTANT

UNIFORM CLEAN AND PRESSED?

TIE STRAIGHT?

HAIR NEAT OR TIED?

NAME BADGE ON AND STRAIGHT?’

At the bottom of the list, someone has written ‘BALLS IN?’ in felt pen.

MARWOOD steps aside to make room for WEASEL, who grins at the mirror.

WEASEL

Go scare ‘em away, you handsome fucker!

CUT TO:

9. INT. SUPERMARKET (PRODUCE SECTION) - DAY

The supermarket is not open yet.

Series of short shots showing MARWOOD engaged in shelf-filling activities.
CUNTFACE walks past each time, left-to-right, right-to-left, etc.

9.1 MARWOOD is emptying a crate of carrots into a display rack.

CUNTFACE (PASSING)

Check that salad section.  It’s a bloody mess.

9.2 MARWOOD is tidying the salad section.

CUNTFACE (PASSING)

Those potato sacks need moving before someone trips over them.

9.3 MARWOOD is piling up the sacks of potatoes.

CUNTFACE (PASSING)

Don’t forget to put the bananas out.

CUT TO:

10. INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Tracking shot showing CUNTFACE walking along with his clipboard, straightening things on shelves, checking prices, making notes.

MARWOOD (V.O.)

He was called Cuntface because of the cut of his beard.  And because he
was a cunt.  Here was a man who was so uptight it was hard to tell where
his mouth stopped and his arsehole began. Rumour had it that his wife
used to tie him up and whip him. Not because he liked it. But because he
was a cunt.

FADE TO:

11. INT. SUPERMARKET CANTEEN - DAY

About a dozen small tables, scattered around.  Only a few staff (including
MARWOOD) are in there, sitting at their tables alone or in twos, having
breakfast.

MARWOOD is sitting alone.  He has a half-eaten plate of grilled cheese on toast and a mug of tea.  He is reading ‘The Times’.

He turns to the page with ‘Notices of Births, Marriages and Deaths’. He scans down it casually and is about to turn over again when something catches his eye. He stops and looks closer.

CUT TO:

MARWOOD’s P.O.V.

There is a small Death Notice for

‘Withnail, Montague Horace. Passed away October 5th 1999.’

MARWOOD (V.O.)

Monty.

CUT TO:

CLOSE-UP of MARWOOD’s face as he continues to read the obituary.  The more he reads, the more surprised his expression becomes.

MARWOOD (TO HIMSELF)

Beloved son, brother, uncle… father?

MARWOOD continues to sit there, open-mouthed. He drops the paper down to the table and stares into space.

MARWOOD

Father?  Monty?

SFX: V.O., AS IF PLAYING THROUGH MARWOOD’S HEAD - THE LINES FROM THE ORIGINAL FILM.

PARKIN

‘e hasn’t been up ‘ere for… couple of years. Last time I saw ‘im, ‘e were… ‘e were with his son.

MARWOOD (QUIETLY, WISTFULLY)

Monty.

FADE OUT.

 

(to be continued)

https://www.abctales.com/story/harryc/withnail-i-2-beer-and-loving-penrith-2