The Case of the Lusty Lesbians
By hilary west
The Case of the Lusty Lesbians
Mr. Ted Picklegass rode his mobility scooter down Elvet Way, where he lived in a small terraced house. It was number 215 and quite far down the road. Next door to him at 213 somebody new had moved in; on their window-sill were pink carnations (made of paper) and teddy bears. Ridiculous he thought; what sort of a woman was she? Little did he know the aforesaid were valentine gifts from the woman’s live-in lover.
The woman, who gave her name as Angie, was shacked up with Marianne, a girl from the city, replete with piercings (nasal and lip). Soon things were set to change at 215. Strange sounds came through the walls; a woman in the throes of sexual ecstasy was rousing herself to a fabulous climax. The voice sounded like Angie’s. It went on for a long time; was the woman on something?
Ted was disgusted. He lived a limited life with his little dog Pixie, a small schnauzer. He turned on the television. The sounds continued as he waited for his favourite programme, “Emmerdale”. He’d have to tell Nancy Dixon, another neighbour, a few doors away. She would know what to do.
Just then the door chimes sounded. It was a Westminster chime. Ted rushed to the door, as fast as he was able, as sometimes he would get there too late and the person was gone. It was the Belvedere Tea man. “Hello, Mr. Picklegass,” he intoned. Just then Pixie started to bark and appeared at the door like Ted’s accompaniment. “I’ll have Earl Grey, Barry, Oh and some of those lemon and fruit biscuits.” Barry went to the van to retrieve the goods, picking up the wrong item. “Oh, you won’t want that, Mr. Picklegass, it’s horrible stuff – Red Bush.” Ted died inside, he immediatley thought of the lusty lesbians next door, did everybody know they were ****ing themselves to death, and had in fact fallen victim to red bush?
Ted paid Barry and returned to the living room. Oh no, he thought , it’s started again. Angie was getting up another climax……….. and the language: the air was blue with four letter words. Ted didn’t feel decent. His poor wife had died two years ago. She was never like that but then she wasn’t like these two girls. They must have had a common background, not properly brought up, he thought. He’d have a word with Nancy Dixon; see what she thought about it all.
He made himself a little lunch, sausages with onion and mash, and then picked some flowers in the garden. Poor Nancy Dixon wasn’t well. She’d been diagnosed with cancer and was finding the treatment difficult. She would like the flowers. Ted grew chrysanthemums and dahlias, such showy flowers. He could have won prizes if he’d so desired.
Nancy was a few doors down the street. He tapped on the door. She took a while to get to the door but opened it eventually.
“Hello, Nancy, I’ve brought you some flowers.”
“Oh thank you, Ted, They are lovely. Won’t you come in for a chat? I‘ll put the kettle on.”
Nancy made her way to the kitchen, while Ted sat down on the brocaded sofa. After a few minutes she returned to the room and handed Ted a nice cuppa.
“What’s the news then, Ted?”
“Oh nothing much; my main concern at the moment are the new neighbours I’ve got.”
“Oh I’ve heard about them. They leave the windows open and people have heard all sorts of strange noises.”
“Yes, Nancy, they are masturbating themselves silly.”
“They must be tarts, Ted, loose women.”
“And the language, Nancy. Words I didn’t learn at school.”
“This street has really gone down hill, Ted.”
“I think so, Nancy. It isn’t decent anymore. I think I’m becoming homophobic. I never thought I’d say that, but the frequency of it and the bad language, it’s like a brothel.”
“Something must be done to get rid of them,” said Nancy.
“I don’t think it’s possible, Nancy. It’s all perfectly legal. In fact it always was for women, wasn’t it?
“Yes, I suppose so. Get onto the council.”
”I think I might, Nancy.”
Soon the conversation got around to other things, mostly Nancy’s cancer treatment and then Ted said his goodbyes. Pixie, who had come with Ted, was straining at the leash. He took Pixie round the park and then returned home.
Was it his home anymore? Somehow it seemed to belong to lusty lesbians. Ted was dismayed and just a little depressed.
That night he turned on the television set to enjoy the latest episode of ‘Emmerdale’. Oh no, it was starting again. He could hear them quite clearly, the walls were so thin. The girl was bringing the house down. “Pass me the double-ended,” said Marianne. Ted was shocked, these girls were so sophisticated.
I’ll tackle them tomorrow, when I’m out in the garden, he thought. It was sunny weather at the moment, they’d bound to be out, probably playing some awful, loud music, which Ted thought was just noise.
Tomorrow afternoon came and Ted got out his electric mower to cut the grass. Marianne and Angie were sunbathing with hardly any clothes on. He could see them through gaps in the hedge.
“I say,” he beagn, “you two, I can’t hear myself think the noise you two make. I’ve reported you to the council.”
“Yes, we know, we got a letter this morning. What’s it all about?”
“It’s the noises.”
“What sort of noises?”
“Of a sexual nature.”
“Oh go home, Grandad. This is a free country.”
Ted was disgusted. He stopped mowing and stepped back inside his house. He put Pixie on the lead and walked down the back lane. It was then he saw those plants again. They were blooming and really quite unusual. He knew what they were being a bit of a gardener. They were belladonna,a poisonous plant. If only I had the nerve I’d give them a dose of that, he thought. He faced a sad night alone while next door the party went on.
The next morning he heard the bell go. He went to the door. It was Angie and Marianne.
“We’ve come to apologize”, they said.
Ted crumbled because he’d thought all sorts of terrible things about them.
“We’ve baked you a pie, it’s raspberry.”
“Oh thanks, girls,” he said and was immediately full of remorse. Maybe they weren’t that bad after all. He tucked into the pie with gusto when lunchtime came and washed it down with a cup of Earl Grey from Barry. He’d go and see Nancy, tell her what had happened. Just then he felt terrible pains; he fell back in his chair, gasping for air. His stomach felt awful. Oh no, he thought, it’s that damned pie. They’ve poisoned me.
Nancy Dixon thought she’d go and see Ted, offer him some more advice on the girls. She knocked on the back door, but on looking through the back window she could see Ted sprawled on the floor.
Marianne and Angie passed the double-ended from one to the other and got into something heavy. “Stupid old git,” said Marianne. “Calls himself a gardener and probably doesn’t even know that plant in the lane is belladonna."
That night Nancy Dixon wept. At least, she thought, he won’t have to deal with those girls again. God is merciful, she thought. My God, He is merciful.