Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 10
By hilary west
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Smithers 10
(At Smither’s home)
SMITHERS : Get up, Malcolm – the alarm is going off at the Institute.
MALCOLM : But, Smithers, I am too comfortable.
SMITHERS : You fool, Malcolm. You run I will take the car. We don’t want to appear together.
MALCOLM : Oh no, of course not.
(At the Institute)
MR. HARDCASTLE : So you’ve got here eventually, Smithers. We couldn’t get hold of Malcolm at his home.
SMITHERS : No, that’s odd.
HARDCASTLE : Here’s Malcolm now. Where’ve you been?
MALCOLM : Oh, I had to pop out for some milk.
HARDCASTLE : The milk of human kindness I hope, Malcolm.
MALCOLM : Of course, Hardcastle.
HARDCASTLE : Good, we don’t want any gay men in Britain, it would sully the high moral fabric of the place.
SMITHERS : I don’t know what you mean, Hardcastle.
HARDCASTLE : Just check the Top Secret room.
SMITHERS : Everything’s fine and dandy, but I see a bottle of antidote is missing.
HARDCASTLE : The hardened criminals I suspect are Rosemary Custard and that other one.
SMITHERS : But, Hardcastle, Pigs’ Trotters is dead.
HARDCASTLE : Whatever, I’m having that B.A. woman arrested.
(At the school in Derbyshire)
PC POTTS : What are you doing up the arse of Elder McCronie’s daughter? Come quietly, Miss Custard.
ROSEMARY : You fool, the girl is constipated. I am nurse and good mother to all these girls.
PC POTTS : So that strap-on thing is just a little teaser.
ROSEMARY : Of course, PC Potts.
PC POTTS : I am arresting you anyway, on suspicion of breaking into Smither’s Institute.
ROSEMARY : Oh, Susan, all is lost. First the death of our dearly loved Pigs’ and now I am branded a mere criminal.
(At Loose Lucy’s sex parlour)
LOOSE LUCY : So all the casts of Smithers’ penis are done and the dildos produced?
TIGER LILY : Yes, Lucy. It is quite a whopper. It should bring tears of joy to many old dears.
LOOSE LUCY : Distribute the new dildos to Randy Rod and Sexy Sid; they will give them free to all our female customers.
TIGER LILY : It is a humming bird that sings such a sweet tune.
LOOSE LUCY : We all love Smithers, Tiger.
(At Smugtown station : Pigs’ Trotters and Mrs. Upsall get off the train)
PIGS’ : Quick, let’s get to Mrs. Struthers’ lodging house and give the Elder McCronie the antidote.
MRS. UPSALL : That man must be released from the chains of evil.
(They knock on the door of Repentance House)
MRS. STRUTHERS : So you have come back.
PIGS’ : Yes, my dear lady, we need to see the Elder McCronie one mo’ time.
MRS. STRUTHERS : He is in the conservatory, go round the back.
PIGS’ : Ah, Elder McCronie, we have come to see you again.
MRS . UPSALL : Yes, Elder McCronie, I have a herbal tea for you, drink it.
ELDER McCRONIE : Oh ladies, please, I’m so glad to see you.
PIGS’ : Quick, gag that Struthers woman when she comes in. I will inject her.
(Mrs. Struthers appears, is gagged and injected. She collapses limp in a heap)
PIGS’ : Come on we better get going, Elder McCronie, this Smugtown is more than a woman or even a man can take.
MRS . UPSALL : Yes, it’s a right dump, let’s go.
( They catch the train but are spotted by the policeman. He blows whistle as the train pulls away)
(At the Institute)
HARDCASTLE : The Elder McCronie has escaped from Repentance House.
SMITHERS : I knew he should have been kept in prison. He is an awful subversive.
HARDCASTLE : I want the three of them : Rosemary Custard B.A., Mrs. Upsall, and the Elder McCronie.
SMITHERS : They can destroy everything.
HARDCASTLE : Yes, do you know Rosemary Custard is the most wicked lesbian. She is corrupting girls at the school.
SMITHERS : Never.
HARDCASTLE : Yes, PC Potts found her up the arse of Elder McCronie’s daughter Susan.
SMITHERS : The woman has a prosthetic?
HARDCASTLE : Apparently – she certainly does not need the drug penis.
SMITHERS : Oh terrible, terrible business. The woman is evil.
(At the sex parlour)
RANDY ROD : Women everywhere are fainting at the sight of Smithers’ cock.
SEXY SID : Yes, they seem to prefer it to the real thing.
RANDY ROD : We will be going out of business, Sid.
SEXY SID : Probably, Rod, probably.
(At the Institute)
HARDCASTLE : I want these posters put up everywhere PC Potts. These people are the most hardened criminals in England.
PC POTTS : What does it say?
HARDCASTLE : Read it, man, read it.
PC POTTS : WANTED Reward for the capture of the beasts of Derbyshire. Three animals that must be tamed. Rosemary Custard – usually up someone’s arse. Mrs. Upsall, usually disgusted by all obnoxious smells. Elder McCronie, the most dangerous of them all, a veritable Hitler in the making – mass murderer and ladies man.
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Comments
a veritable Hitler is always
a veritable Hitler is always to be avoided, but Rosemary Custard somehow sounds much worse.
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