Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 12 (Conclusion)

Smithers 12

(At a government conference : Hardcastle addresses the delegates)

HARDCASTLE : So, now the nation are sedate dummies and don’t you love us for it. No one is unhappy. You all ride high on a cock of justice.

SMITHERS : And what a whopper it is, ladies. You can see me later for the real thing.

(There is a banner saying TUC on the back wall)

MALCOLM : (Aside to Smithers) Don’t you think it is wrong to advertize biscuits for cheese at a time like this?

SMITHERS : Why not, Malcolm? The nation is complicit. We have nothing against biscuits.

MALCOLM : Hardcastle is being heckled, who is that man?

SMITHERS : Oh that, that’s just some old tramp.

(They drag the tramp out of the hall)

TRAMP : Well, that is the limit. I survived the blitz and I can’t survive Hardcastle’s conference.

HEAVY : No, you tramp, fuck off and don’t come back.

MALCOLM : There is more heckling, Smithers. They are getting less and less complicit, what is going wrong?

SMITHERS : Yes, Malcolm and that smell.

MALCOLM : What is it?

SMITHERS : If I’m not mistaken it’s release gas, the antidote to the brainwashing.

MALCOLM : Look, Smithers (pointing to the window), look out there.

(There are planes in the sky leaving a trail of gas in their wake)

SMITHERS : My God, Malcolm, the country is being sprayed with antidote. That’s what that smell is.

MALCOLM : Aaarh, I am becoming limp.

SMITHERS : Don’t be ridiculous, Malcolm, it can’t affect us, we are complicit anyway.

(Svetlana Draehorse storms into the room)

SVETLANA : You evil men, we have come to liberate Britain.

SMITHERS : And who are you, a horse without a rider?

SVETLANA : My name is Svetlana Draehorse. I am a Russian citizen.

SMITHERS : So, you know about our plans for world domination.

SVETLANA : I’m afraid so. We want you, you bastard, and more importantly we want the cock of injustice.

(They surge to the front of the hall and grab the huge effigy of a penis)

SVETLANA : Smash that huge obscenity. It is unjust to be so big and to be taken from such a beastly man.

PIGS’ : So, Smithers, your plan is undone, the International  Courts of Justice know everything.

MRS. UPSALL : Yes, as we speak the government is being replaced by a puppet government.

SMITHERS : Who pulls your strings, Pigs’?

PIGS’ : How dare you, how dare you speak?

MRS. UPSALL : Yes, you are a fallen man, we have the power now.

ELDER McCRONIE : We’ve waited a long time for this – arrest that man (Pointing to Smithers)

(Smithers and Hardcastle are arrested and taken out of the hall. The tramp spits on them)

SMITHERS : Loser.

TRAMP : I survived two world wars for this.

SMITHERS : How old is your mother?

TRAMP : Never you mind, you tramp.

SMITHERS : I’d have knocked you into stasis and that pathetic Elder McCronie.

TRAMP : No more rear entry into the Madhouse pub now for me.

SMITHERS : No, you bastard, you are all free to do as you wish. England is finished.

(Loose Lucy appears with the girls)

LOOSE LUCY : Smother Smithers, girls.

(The girls, Babette, Tiger Lily start to attack Smithers)

That was one hell of a baddy.

TIGER LILY : Yeh, he had us fucking top government ministers for peanuts.

BABETTE : I was becoming so worn. I had to resort to the dummy clitoris.

LOOSE LUCY : Never mind, girls, all’s well that ends well.

TIGER LILY : Yes, that creep’s finished.

(Andrex and Darren arrive on scene)

ANDREX : No more criminalizing poor innocent men now for us.

DARREN : No, we don’t have to do churchgoers anymore.

ANDREX : We can get back to bad lads.

LOOSE LUCY : It’s all over lads, that Smithers was corrupting you.

ANDREX : Yeh, we wanted to dominate the world, forget our origins.

DARREN : What a bastard.

(Susan enters)

SUSAN McCRONIE : Oh, Dad, you are back with us.

ELDER McCRONIE : Yes, Susan, your innocent dad is back thanks to Pigs’ Trotters. (They hug)

SMITHERS : We thought you were dead, Pigs’ Trotters.

PIGS’ : Rumours of my death were grossly exaggerated. I reappeared in the forest of Neath.

SMITHERS : God, here comes your girlfriend.

ROSEMARY : They’ve released me, Pigs’.

PIGS’ : Yes, it’s all over, Rosemary, we can get back to normal.

(Back at the school in Derbyshire Pigs’ is up the arse of Rosemary Custard with her strap-on)

PIGS’ : Nothing like it, is there Rosemary?

ROSEMARY : I’ll say, Pigs’, but don’t you think if you were to put that model of Smithers’ cock on the strap-on instead of.......................

PIGS’ : Errrh!

 

 

THE END