Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 4
By hilary west
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Mad Smithers 4
HARDCASTLE : So what have you found out, Smithers, about the state of the nation’s hearts?
SMITHERS : Too soft by far, Hardcastle. I feel we need a billion litres of hardener for the nation’s water boards.
HARDCASTLE : Presumably the experimentees are dead.
SMITHERS : Afraid so.
HARDCASTLE : Did you have to cut the hearts open? Won’t somebody miss the bail hostel fool and the black-haired youth?
SMITHERS : They were both orphans.
HARDCASTLE : But surely they had friends.
SMITHERS : No idea. I need to get on, Hardcastle. I have no time for such things.
HARDCASTLE : I’ve heard that the Elder McCronie could prove an obstacle.
SMITHERS : Oh him, he is too good by far. He must take more water from the tap.
HARDCASTLE : Good. I want them all to be evil complicits. Our plan to rule the world must not be stopped.
HARDCASTLE : How’s Malcolm doing with the brainwashing?
SMITHERS :Come here, Malcolm. Hardcastle has some questions.
MALCOLM : Hi, I still haven’t got Andrex and Darren fully under my control.
HARDCASTLE : I’ve told you all you’ve got to do is mention Mariah Carey and they will dissolve to nothing.
MALCOLM : But Loose Lucy, she will not let them out of her sight.
HARDCASTLE : Take the air of a bugger, Malcolm, entice the boys to the Institute under the guise of a hot date.
MALCOLM : But, Hardcastle, such small boys.
HARDCASTLE : Oh that is nothing today. It is perfectly legal in Spain.
MALCOLM : Not quite, Hardcastle, the boys are not yet twelve.
HARDCASTLE : Oh never mind. They are the sort of boys that have known everything from the potty.
MALCOLM : They are potty.
HARDCASTLE : Just get on with it, will you. We have not got forever.
(At the sex parlour)
BABETTE : My cleavage is ruptured. Can you help me, sir?
TIGER LILY : You want to say that in Spanish, Babette?
BABETTE : Yes, Tiger, it may be needed in an emergency.
TIGER LILY : It’s not in the phrase book.
BABETTE : What good are those things? They never tell you exactly what you need to know.
TIGER LILY : I think it is Malcolm at the door. (Looking out of window onto the street)
BABETTE : Oh he is so masculine. Such a man, Tiger Lily.
TIGER LILY : They all have the drug penis. Is it any wonder they are masculine?
BABETTE : But some men have something beyond the drug penis.
TIGER LILY : Impossible, Babette. There is nothing beyond that.
BABETTE : Oh you would be surprised. There is love for a woman.
TIGER LILY : What do we know of love, Babette, poor creatures that we are?
BABETTE : I know that in Malcolm I have a real man and a real lover.
TIGER LILY : Shouldn’t Malcolm be in here by now? I’ll go and see where he is.
(In the corridor)
MALCOLM : Andrex, where are you, Andrex?
TIGER LILY : What are you doing, Malcolm? We are in our usual room. Surely you have not descended to boys.
MALCOLM : Of course not, but where is Andrex?
TIGER LILY : Oh you mean the toilet roll.
MALCOLM : No, the boy.
TIGER LILY : Why are you looking for a boy named after a toilet roll?
MALCOLM : Well of course it may look strange.
TIGER LILY : No, Malcolm, it looks perverted.
MALCOLM : You are wrong, Tiger Lily, I’m a full man.
TIGER LILY : Yes, if we skip toilet rolls. Well anyway, are you coming into our boudoir?
MALCOLM : No, not just yet. You go on in and begin without me. I’ll be along in a while.
(Tiger Lily flounces off)
(Andrex and Darren appear holding hands)
MALCOLM : Oh you two boys, you look very friendly.
ANDREX : You know the business.
DARREN : Yes, it’s a hard life.
MALCOLM : My God, I thought you were too young to be hardened by reality.
ANDREX : No, Loose Lucy makes us work hard.
DARREN : Yes, we have no time for playing out.
(Andrex lights up)
MALCOLM : What are you doing smoking?
ANDREX : The government want to ban it for good so we thought we would try it. There must be something in it.
MALCOLM : No you fools, you must be complicit. The government and Mr. Hardcastle are coming down hard on all citizens. It was announced on the radio no one must light up in public.
DARREN : You look nervous, Malcolm.
MALCOLM : Me, no not at all. It’s just I’m feeling randy. You know what I mean.
ANDREX : Taking Babette for a ride are you?
MALCOLM : No, I’m feeling a need for boys’ company.
ANDREX : That’s unusual for you, Malcolm.
MALCOLM : No not at all. I’ve always had a fancy for cotton socks, shorts, T shirts.
ANDREX : Oh, Malcolm, you can turn us on. We love virile men.
MALCOLM : How’s about coming to the Institute for a bit of fun and games. You can play on the brainwashing, ur, I mean game console machine.
DARREN : Okay then. But this isn’t a trick, is it?
MALCOLM : Of course not, boys. I am a gay lover. I have a fancy.
DARREN : Can we go in the car?
MALCOLM : No, I’m a pedestrian.
ANDREX : We figured that, Malcolm, but we love you anyway.
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