Up for Sale : Part One

UP FOR SALE

 

CHARACTER SKETCHES

MRS. HOLBROOK

Mrs. Holbrook is a veritable snob. Nothing is good enough for her. She is so fastidious when looking at houses that she may as well not bother. When she does find a house that is suitable, not surprisingly, it is way above her means and the neighbours there want nothing to do with her. She loves her husband but has a mean streak which makes blackmail a possibility for her.

MR. HOLBROOK

Mr. Holbrook is long-suffering and not as snobbish as his wife. He is more sensible and down to earth. He tries to counteract her rashness but is weak and gives in to an impetuous request that they become party to blackmail.

MR. WENTWORTH

Mr. Wentworth is a married man aged fifty who has a successful business – Wentworth’s Estate Agents. Not satisfied in his marriage he looks to the ever available Penny for comfort and sex. She gladly gives both. He is a mean man, even extortionist, when collecting rent and always eager to increase sales. A greedy man he almost deserves to be blackmailed.

PENNY

Penny is a Marilyn Monroe type girl in her twenties. She has blonde hair, a good figure and ample cleavage. She is in a good position to seduce all she comes into contact with. She is only after one thing, however, really and that is money. She thinks Mr. Wentworth is the meal ticket she needs. She is stupid, however, and eventually found out.

COLIN

Colin is an effeminate man in his twenties. Still living with his mother he wishes to buy a bijou property which is really beyond him. Mr. Wentworth, however, encourages him to buy it because it will be another sale. He refuses, however, to give him a rise.  Can Colin make money from some extra sewing or maybe even embroidery?

SAM

Sam is an older man in his forties. A repair man working for the estate agents, he rents a property from Mr. Wentworth. He is a victim of Mr. Wentworth’s greed. A good-natured man, he is a foil to the hypocrisy and nastiness of Mr. Wentworth.

JEFF

Jeff is a young man in his twenties. At first we see Jeff as a good-natured man who is being taken advantage of. However, as time goes by he gets involved with Penny and we find there is a devious side to his nature which we had previously not countenanced.

 

CAST LIST

MR. WALLIS HOLBROOK : A middle-class client of Wentworth’s Estate Agents. Age – 55.

MRS. BRIONY HOLBROOK : Wife to Mr. Holbrook. Age – 52.

MR. LEXINGTON WENTWORTH : The Estate Agent. Age – 50.

PENNY COATES : Secretary to Mr. Wentworth. Age – 21.

COLIN LAMONT : Assistant in the Estate Agent’s office. Age – 24.

SAM WOODLEY : A repair man in the service of the estate Agents. Age – 45.

JEFF WALKER : An odd job man and electrician in the service of the Estate Agents. Age – 25.

 

This play was conceived televisually hence the scenes follow on from each other as in a flash. It would have to be filmed to work at all. It is not therefore suitable as a stage play.

 

First Scene :

The setting is an old house in the country. The Holbrooks are looking around yet another of Mr. Wentworth’s properties.

MR. HOLBROOK : What do you think of this one then, dear?

MRS. HOLBROOK : They are all the same – tarted up rubbish. In fact this one isn’t even tarted up. Our home is in a different class, Wallis. I can’t give up what we’ve got for any of this.

MR. HOLBROOK : Wentworth is a rogue. He’s an estate agent I don’t think we can trust.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh I think he’s alright, Wallis. He’s so polite, so charming. He admired my buns when he visited last Saturday.

MR. HOLBROOK : Everyone knows that they are delicious, Briony. It’s hardly surprising that he noticed, they were just fresh out of the oven.

MRS. HOLBROOK : I know that girl in the office is after him. I can tell by the look in her eye. She’s a gold-digger, Wallis. She hasn’t got the class he has.

MR. HOLBROOK : Penny, you mean.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, she’s the one that keeps sending us on these wild goose chases to unsuitable properties. She described this one as a secluded residence set in mature parkland, idylically close to running water, yet still adjacent to the needs of a contemporary lifestyle. And what do we find when we get here? A beat up cottage down a dirt track by a blasted tree and filthy beck with an old pram and mattress in it.

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, dear, but it is close to the needs of a contemporary lifestyle.

MRS. HOLBROOK : The M1?

MR. HOLBROOK : Well I was thinking of the supermarket just off the M1.

MRS. HOLBROOK : It’s no good, Wallis, I think we’ll have to see a lot more properties before we can ever find the right one.

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, dear, shall we venture upstairs?

MRS. HOLBROOK : It hardly seems worth it.

MR. HOLBROOK : This house is cheaper than a lot we’ve looked at, Briony.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Cost is immaterial, Wallis, we must think of tone, dear. And this one is tone deaf.

(They mount the stairs)

MR. HOLBROOK : I don’t quite know what to expect up here, Briony.

MRS. HOLBROOK : I do, a scene from Amityville, house of horror.

MR. HOLBROOK : These stairs creak a lot, don’t they?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, this house must be eighteenth century.

MR. HOLBROOK : I think it says on the blurb that it’s elegant Georgian, Briony.

MRS. HOLBROOK : All the floors probably need redoing. The floorboards are rotten.

(Mr. Holbrook opens a creaking door)

MR. HOLBROOK : The master bedroom, Briony.

(Mrs. Holbrook enters and almost knocks herself out on a low beam)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh, Wallis.

MR. HOLBROOK : Briony, are you alright? The ceilings are so low.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, I’m alright but it’s no thanks to this dump, Wallis. I’ve had enough.

MR. HOLBROOK : Well we might as well see the rest of it, Briony, now that we are here.

MRS. HOLBROOK : It makes me mad to think that Penny and that fool Colin in the office are probably having tea while we are being treated to the delights of this place. They give us all the wrong leads. I can just imagine them, laughing and giggling through endless tea-breaks.

(Change of scene to Wentworth’s Estate Agents)

MR. WENTWORTH : I want you to pull your finger out now. Do you hear me, Colin? Stop fiddling with your pencil.

COLIN : It’s me rubber, it’s come off the tip.

MR. WENTWORTH : I beg your pardon, Colin. Oh, never mind. I want sales increased: we aren’t moving enough houses and then there’s my tenanted properties. I want more rent out of them. I sent you a memo on that Penny, did you get it?

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth. You want me to increase all rents by fifteen per cent from the first of the month, next month.

MR. WENTWORTH : Yes, that’s right. I’m not getting enough.

PENNY : Oh, Mr. Wentworth, you know you’ve only got to ask.

MR. WENTWORTH : Penny, not now.

COLIN : Have you got any more rubbers, Mr. Wentworth?

MR. WENTWORTH : Penny keeps them, Colin, you should know that by now.

COLIN : Yes, I should.

PENNY : I’m always dishing them out, Colin. We get through so many in this office.

MR. WENTWORTH : Penny, can I see you in my office now?

PENNY : Yes, of course, Mr. Wentworth. Shall I bring anything?

MR. WENTWORTH : Well we might need something... Oh, (exasperatedly).............. just bring yourself.

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth.

(In Mr. Wentworth’s office)

(Penny flings herself at Mr. Wentworth)

PENNY : You are irresistible, Mr. Wentworth. I need you more than I can say.

MR. WENTWORTH : Let’s make love.

PENNY : Now, in the office.

MR. WENTWORTH : Why not? It’s quiet, there’s only Colin out there and he doesn’t suspect.

PENNY : I want you to leave your wife.

MR. WENTWORTH : I can’t, Penny – it’s too complicated. She needs me. It would kill her if I left her.

PENNY : But I’ve seen this property in ‘The Meadows’. It’s just what we need. We’d be so happy, it’s only half a million.

MR. WENTWORTH : Half a million?

PENNY : Yes, you can afford it, Mr. Wentworth. I was looking at the books the other day; the agency is doing so well.

MR. WENTWORTH : Not that well, Penny.

PENNY : Oh please, lover boy, for your babykins. Penny wants that sort of loving to keep away the bad things.

MR. WENTWORTH : The bad things, Penny?

PENNY : Yes, like the bank manager. I need him keeping away from my door. I need a rise, Mr. Wentworth.

MR. WENTWORTH : I’ll think about it, Penny.

PENNY : I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

MR. WENTWORTH : Not a word to Colin mind, Penny. I don’t want him thinking he can get any more money out of me, because he can’t. But you, Penny, well, that’s different. You’re such a good girl, always there for me when I need support, always a big plus for my business.

PENNY : I can undress now, Mr. Wentworth.

MR. WENTWORTH : Good I wish I had some...........

PENNY : Mmm......

( Change of scene back to the house the Holbrooks are viewing)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Where’s the bathroom in this place, Wallis? I need to go.

MR. HOLBROOK : I think it’s at the end of that corridor, dear.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Do you think the plumbing works?

MR. HOLBROOK : All mod cons, Briony.

(Briony ventures down the corridor fighting her way through cobwebs. On coming to the bathroom door she turns the door knob which comes off in her hand)

MRS. HOLBROOK : This place needs so many repairs, Wallis. Look, I’ve got a knob in my hands.

MR. HOLBROOK : Won’t be the first time, dear.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Wallis, what do you mean?

MR. HOLBROOK ; Well, don’t you remember that first property we looked at, a knob came off in your hands there.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh yes, Wallis, you’re right. All these properties are decrepit. I don’t know how they expect to move them.

MR. HOLBROOK : No, dear. They’ve got two repair men working for the estate agents. Why don’t they see to the properties before they go on the market?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes. Sam and Jeff (said disapprovingly). I remember seeing them in the office once. They must be good-for-nothings, Wallis.

MR. HOLBROOK : There is plenty of scope for them.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Like that Penny and Colin, they’re probably drinking tea in some warm cosy room somewhere. Anyway, Wallis, I haven’t been. I’ll see you in a mo.

(Mrs. Holbrook closes the bathroom door. Wallis Holbrook starts to descend the stairs. After a short while the toilet flushes and there is a scream from upstairs)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Wallis, Wallis, the cistern has collapsed.

MR. HOLBROOK : Don’t worry, dear, I’m coming.

MRS. HOLBROOK : It’s drenched me with water.

(Mr. Holbrook rushes up the stairs, he loses his footing, trips and falls down the stairs. There is much noise, banging etc. Mrs. Holbrook appears at the top of the stairs looking like a drowned rat, her hair and clothes sopping wet)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Wallis........ oh, my God, this place is jinxed. I knew it when we walked in the door. It’s a nightmare house of horrors.

(Mrs. Holbrook gingerly makes her way down the stairs)

Wallis, Wallis.

(Mr. Holbrook is lying motionless at the foot of the stairs)

Can you hear me Wallis?

MR. HOLBROOK : Oh, Briony............. I can’t move.

MRS. HOLBROOK : We’ll sue them, Wallis. This house is unsafe, you could have been killed.

MR. HOLBROOK : You’ll have to ring for help. My mobile is in the car.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Don’t move, Wallis. I’ll go and get the phone.

(Mrs. Holbrook leaves the house and goes out to the car. She comes back shortly with the phone)

What do we want....................police and ambulance?

MR HOLBROOK : No, Briony, ring the estate agents.

MRS. HOLBROOK : I’m not letting them get away with this, Wallis. I want the police involved.

MR. HOLBROOK : No, that isn’t necessary. I’ll be alright. Ring the agents and say we want some assistance. If we ring the police the agents will say we’ve wrecked the joint and they’ll want money from us.

MRS. HOLBROOK : They’ll want money from us?

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes. If we talk it over with them we’ll avoid any problems.

MRS. HOLBROOK : I don’t know, there’s no justice. What is the estate agent’s number?

MR. HOLBROOK : It’s here on their blurb. (Mr. Holbrook takes out the blurb from his pocket and gives it to Mrs. Holbrook. Mrs. Holbrook rings the etsate agent’s number)

(There is now a split screen depiction of the two engaged in the phone call – Mrs. Holbrook at the house, Penny at the estate agent’s office)

(Penny answers the phone)

PENNY : Wentworths, can I help you?

MRS. HOLBROOK : I very much doubt it.

PENNY : Sorry, I can’t hear very well.

MRS. HOLBROOK : It’s Mrs. Holbrook here, there’s been an accident at Marwood House, the property we are viewing.

PENNY : Oh, Mrs. Holbrook, did you like the property?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Did I like the property? No I did not. My husband has fallen down the stairs.

PENNY : Oh, poor thing. Are you home now, Mrs. Holbrook?

MRS. HOLBROOK : No, we are still there.

PENNY : Where?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Marwood House of course, where do you think?

PENNY : What do you want me to do, Mrs. Holbrook? I’m afraid I can’t leave the office.

MRS. HOLBROOK : We need assistance. This place is a death-trap. It’s a wonder my husband hasn’t broken his neck.

(Sam and Jeff come into the office)

PENNY : Oh, hang on, Mrs. Holbrook, I’ll see what I can do. Sam and Jeff have just come into the office. Do you want Sam and Jeff to come over?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, they can get my husband into the car and we’ll drive back home.

PENNY : I’ll send Colin too; he’ll assess any damage to see if we have a claim against you.

MRS. HOLBROOK : A claim against us? I don’t believe this, I should have rung the police.

PENNY  : No, don’t do that, Mrs. Holbrook, we’ll come to some kind of amicable arrangement I’m sure, Mrs. Holbrook. Bye.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Goodbye.

(The split screen is finished. The scene changes back to the house being viewed by the Holbrooks)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Someone is coming, Wallis. Penny is sending those clowns Sam and Jeff and the airy fairy Colin.

MR. HOLBROOK : We don’t need Colin, Briony. He’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

MRS. HOLBROOK : That Penny had the brass nerve to suggest we might have to pay damages. And look at me, Wallis, I’m to be seen by working men looking like this.

MR. HOLBROOK : Don’t worry, Briony, you can always treat them to your buns when we get home.

(Change of scene : The estate agent’s office)

(Colin walks into the office where Peny is seated at her desk)

PENNY : Oh there you are, Colin. Mrs. Holbrook has just rang; something has gone wrong at Marwood House. Her husband has fallen down the stairs or something. Can you go and assess the situation, Colin; we’ll need a report for Mr. Wentworth?

COLIN : I was going to sharpen me pencils this afternoon and make my desk tidy. My seat needs a mini vac over the foam. Mr. Wentworth was rifling through my drawers the other day too, they’re in a right state.

PENNY : Mr. Wentworth is the boss, Colin, he can do what he wants and the important thing now is not the state of your drawers but the situation at Marwood House with the Holbrooks.

COLIN : Do the Holbrooks want the house?

PENNY : She says no;, you know how fussy they are, nothing suits them. Maybe the house does need a few things doing to it but an astute buyer could perceive that. The Holbrooks think that they know it all but they aren’t  really shrewd enough to appreciate a bargain. That house is really cheap.

COLIN : Yes, but it does need some work on it. Sam and Jeff should do something there. If possible I’ll  recommend some work to be carried out, particularly if the Holbrooks have caused any damage.

PENNY : Sam and Jeff have already gone there in the van.

COLIN : Good, I’ll follow in my car.

PENNY : If I know Mrs. Holbrook she’ll try to sue; you better make it plain, if they try anything, we’ll be claiming for damages to the property. Just try to keep them quiet for Mr. Wentworth’s sake.

COLIN : Okay, Penny, see you later.

(Change of scene : Back to the house the Holbrooks are viewing. Sam and Jeff have arrived)

MRS HOLBROOK : Oh someone has arrived at last. I thought we’d been marooned: me and my poor husband left to die in a derelict house.

SAM : No you aren’t marooned, Mrs. Holbrook, Sam and Jeff are here now.

JEFF : That’s right, Mrs. Holbrook, we’ll get your husband into the car.

(Sam and Jeff attempt to lift Mr. Holbrook from the floor)

SAM : Steady on there, Mr. Holbrook, you’ll be alright, we’ll get you back home.

MR. HOLBROOK : Oh the pain, my legs are in agony.

MRS. HOLBROOK : We are suing.

MR. HOLBROOK : No we aren’t, shut up, Briony. I’m fine, just pulled a muscle or two.

JEFF : I didn’t think it had been raining, Mrs. Holbrook. You look like a drowned ..............

SAM : That’s enough, Jeff. Let’s get Mr. Holbrook into the car.

(Sam and Jeff make for the door with Mr. Holbrook. On their way out they bump into Colin)

(Continued in Up for Sale : Part Two)