The Alien Space Invaders

My aliens arrived this morning. The postman knocked on the door and asked me to sign for the package.

 

“Do you mind me asking what’s in the box?” he said. “It’s been humming all morning.”

 

I told him it was an exotic blow-up doll from Taiwan. I’d rather he think me a sexual deviate, then a collector of alien life forms. They might be illegal.

 

I came across an advertisement in my wife's Amazing Science Fiction magazine. Volume 26. Issue 10.

 

For just one hundred and thirty nine dollars you could get yourself a genuine Alien Space Invader. Guaranteed to send you into orbit at a moment’s notice. And orbit is where I wanted to take my dear wife. Eventually. I ordered two. 

 

First I need to warm Doris up to the idea. I don’t think she’d go without a little prodding from me.

 

When I opened the box I was disappointed to find they weren’t the sort of aliens I had expected. They were nothing like the ones I’d seen in Star Wars. No Ewoks were they. Nothing cute and cuddly about the aliens that now sit on my workbench in the garage. The ones that I hoped would eventually take us away from this God-forsaken planet.

 

These aliens were made of aluminum. They were rocket-shaped and stood erect on three fins. The sort of rockets I’ve seen at firework displays. Then it occurred to me. Of course! These were spaceships! How clever! The aliens are in the spaceships! They even have their little motors running! That explains the humming sound and the strange vibrations from within.

 

I was delirious with the thought of how they would whisk us away to their home planet where Doris and I would start anew. Broaden our horizons. Have a dual citizenship unlike any other. 

 

“Do you have anything to declare?” they would say to me at customs in a galaxy far, far way. 

 

“Only my genius!” I would say with a sweep of my cape. 

 

They will all laugh at how clever I am. Unless, of course, someone had heard of Oscar Wilde. Then they might void my inter-planetary passport on the grounds that I had committed an act of plagiarism. I will have to work on a quote of my own making. In the meantime I need to figure out how I’m to communicate with the aliens inside the miniature spaceships. I need to know how it will all work. Do the spaceships grow larger? Thus enabling Doris and I to embark on our journey. Or will they shrink us down to their size? I am dizzy with excitement!

 

“Hey, dizzy,” said Doris. “Who are you talking to?”

 

“It’s my audio journal, dear,” I said. “I have some exciting entries to make. But I can’t discuss them with you just yet.”

 

“And what are you doing with my Space Invader vibrators? I’ve been waiting for those. My old old ones are all worn out.”

 

“What?”