The Dragon of Nottingham - The Amazon Stomp

My friend Alfred is sleeping over at our house tonight. We’re in my bedroom talking about things that concern us. Alfred’s concern is the lack of any decent buttered popcorn at the movies. I asked if he minded me putting us both on the recorder and he said it’s fine with him.

“It’s not even real butter, Isaac. I think they’ve replaced the butter with a flavorless mind-controlling butter substitute that causes people to not complain about how much they’re not enjoying their popcorn. Otherwise we’d all be getting out of our seats demanding a refund. But that thought doesn’t occur to us until we’re home in our beds. Then its too late. All we can do is punch our pillows and vow never to have movie popcorn again. But by the time we’re ready to go to the movies again, it’s too late. We’d already forgotten our past popcorn nightmare. And, like the sheep that we are, we go back to the concession stand and say, ‘Baaa! Tub of buttered popcorn, pleeease! Baaa! Loaded with, baaa, un-flaovred oil substitute! Baaa! And a large, baaa, soda! Baaa! I’ll be back to complain, baaa, never! Baaa!”

“You’re ridiculous, Alfred. But funny. And if that's your only complaint then I wish I were you. My big concern is why we’re here at all.”

“We’re having a sleep-over.”

“No. I mean why are we on this planet. All of us here now. Billions of us. What’s the plan? Who’s idea was it, and why.”

“Does this mean no pillow fight tonight? Because I’d been looking froward to it all week, Isaac. As well as gorging on anything that’s got sugar in it or on it. Then I thought we’d move on to watching movies we’re not supposed to be looking at. That was my plan, Isaac. Having fun. I don’t know what the other billions are doing tonight, but I know what I want out of this planet on this particular day and time in history. I want to watch Amazon Women From Planet Neptune! The director's cut. I borrowed it from my dad's library.”

"Just humor me a little, Alfred. Don't you ever wonder about things like that? I think about them all the time. What if we're all just a part of someone's dream? When they wake up, will we all dissolve like in the movies? Or will the dream just shift gears and suddenly we're all wearing capes and flying around rescuing cats out of trees. Or what if our dream life is the reality? And what we're experiencing now is the dream? Huh? What about that? Hmm! Hey! What are you doing? Put the pillow down, Alfred! Don't even think about it! I'm not finished with my thoughts, yet! I'm not kidding! I said put it down, Alfred! Ouch! Hey! That didn't tickle, you moron!"

"It wasn't supposed to, Einstein!"

That seems to be all that was recorded last night. My tape recorder got slammed to the floor during our pillow fight. Fortunately it didn’t break. I have so much more I want to say in the future. But last night we had a lot of fun. Dad came up with a big bowl of hot buttered popcorn. Real butter, too. Not the mind- controlling butter substitute that Alfred was talking about. Then Dad left. Which was a surprise. Dad usually tries to get us to have him stay and watch a movie. But Dad's not the best audience. As a matter of fact, he's disruptive. Once tossing several cheese balls at Luke Skywalker for kissing Princess Leia - Luke's sister. Even after I explained to him that Luke had yet to know that Darth Vader was Luke and Leia's father.

'Ah, come on!' My dad had said. 'He's got to know by now! It's been almost forty years since they made that movie!'

It's hard to tell when dad's joking. He never cracks a smile when he says these things.

After Dad left we settled down to watch Amazon Women From Neptune. The director's cut. What a bunch of hooey that was! More like Amazing Dimwits From the Planet Moron. I don't know what the director was thinking abut when he cut this movie, but next time he ought to get himself a bigger pair of scissors. Or maybe an axe would have been a better choice. He should have stopped cutting right after the titles and theme song were over. That was the best part of the whole movie. And it was pretty horrible. It was amazingly stupid. But very fitting for the movie.

Do the Amazon stomp
Make a real loud sound
Do the Amazon stomp
Turn some heads around

Do the Amazon stomp
Put a crack in the road
Do the Amazon stomp
Squash a million toads

First things first
Raise your foot in the air
Then slam it on down
Like you don’t care

Then stomp it in the park
Make the leaves all shake
Then stomp it in the dark
Make the ghosts all quake

Do the Amazon stomp
Crush a million ants
Do the Amazon stomp
It's a crazy little dance

I’d forgotten the rest, but I’m sure there’s a good reason for that. And, as horrible as that song is, my dragon seemed to like it. Maybe he liked it a bit too much. As the thudding drum-beats reverberated off my bedroom wall, the dragon began to flap its wings and to stomp its feet, making a mess of its tiny bed. It then took to stomping on the ceiling, where its claws made a thousand little holes. I still don’t know how to explain that one to Mom And Dad. They’ll only accuse us of targeting flies with our sling shots. Which we haven’t done in ages. But we may as well have.

Enough for know. My little dragon is sleeping. So is Alfred. He put his inflated bed in my bathtub because he said it was too hot in my room. I may have to accidentally turn on the tub water. Just to show Alfred that I really can be fun sometimes and not thinking about the big stuff all the time. Only, I bet he won’t be laughing.