A Sucker Seduced - Part IX - A Craven Danger Mystery
Getting hungry, and having lost her patience waiting for Mr. Worthington, Betty Fletcher went off in search of Sidney Green.
“Hi ya, Miss Fletcher,” said Sidney. “How’d ya ever find me in this museum? This kitchen’s bigger than my railroad flat. Ya gotta catch a bus just to get to the end of the table.”
“It was easy, Sidney,” said Betty. “I just followed the aroma.”
“Well, I’m sorry," said Sidney. “But I do try to take a bath at least once a week. That’s if Fred ain’t sleepin’ in the tub.”
“I was talkin’ about the coffee,” said Betty.
“And who’s Fred?”
”He‘s my snappin‘ turtle,” said Sidney. ”When I‘m home he stays in the tub. And when I go to work I leave him out for the burglars. Best watch dog I ever had. Quiet as an angel. But if you cross his path you‘re gonna lose a toe or two. And when Fred’s sleepin‘ in the tub, he don‘t like bein‘ disturbed. So I don‘t get to much soakin‘ time.”
”You‘re a very interestin‘ fella,” said Betty. ”And you don’t smell too bad, neither. Considerin’”
“Thanks, Miss Fletcher," said Sidney. “Are ya done with your meetin’?” said Sidney.
“Nah,” said Betty. “Wooster and Jeeves ain’t come back yet. But I just gotta find out about this Suzy Tanner dame. I’m thinkin’ she ain’t all she’s croaked up to be. First, ya got the grandson tryin’ to hire Mr. Danger to pull the sheep suit off this Tanner dame. Then ya got Tanner, the wolfstress herself, gettin’ Mr. Danger to blow the dust off that big gun a his and maybe make shootin’ gallery ducks outta the grandson and his wife. So I ain’t believin’ nothin’ no more till I here it from the cows ear.
“And if I find out it’s that Suzy Tanner ‘causin’ all the emotion, I’m gonna pull that sheep suit off her myself and slip her into somethin’ more suitable. Like a pair of my creamy white knuckles!
“Then I’m gonna sit our Mr. Danger down and give him the what’s what about runnin’ a business. Oh, he got the legs-up-on-the-desk down real good. And, when he’s down to his socks, he can even flip that intercom switch with his right big toe. Which is pretty often, because he don’t ever go nowhere, except when I drag him to the park. Then he gets bit by a squirrel and goes whinin’ about dangerous animals runnin’ loose in the city and how the mayor’s gonna hear about this.
“And he don’t never talk to no one but me. Every ten minutes it’s, 'Betty, is my laundry back from the cleaners?’ or 'Betty, did ya listen to the Lone Ranger last night on the radio?’ or “Betty, I told ya liverwurst with mustard, not mayo.’
”But it‘s never, ‘Betty, did we get any calls because somebody maybe saw your ad in the paper,‘ or ‘Betty, maybe I should go out and let people know I’m a detective lookin’ ta make a livin’.’
“Then this hussy Suzy Tanner comes along and suddenly he’s Dick Tracy talkin’ into his two-way wrist watch radio. Well I got news for him, he’s more like Dick Crazy talkin’ to his bottle of scotch.”
“He talks to his scotch?” said Sidney.
”Yeah,” said Betty. ”One time he hit the intercom switch by mistake and all I‘m hearin‘ is, ‘Hello, old friend. Remember me? Me and you used to be pals, but ya turned out to be a no good double crosser who would never leave me alone long enough to come to his senses. So I had to make a clean break. And if ya ever think I’m takin’ ya back in, think again. ‘Cause me and you is through. So back in the draw and don‘t ever think about comin‘ back out and askin’ me ta play.‘
“But a woman like that Tanner would have him back on the hootch in no time, Sidney. That idiot’s gonna himself killed or seduced by a pretty face that don’t care about him like some other people do.”
When Betty and Sidney heard the screams, they ran from the kitchen and tried to find its source.
“It’s comin’ from upstairs!” said Sidney.
“Then that’s where we’re goin’,” said Betty.
When they reached the top of the stairs Betty saw the open door, where Suzy Tanner was standing, wrapped in the arms of Craven Danger.
“Betty!” said Craven. “It ain’t like it looks.”
“What is it then?” said Betty. “I ain’t heard you scream like that since you met up with that squirrel in the park.”
“That squirrel was a moose with a fluffy tail,” said Craven. “And you know it.”
“I’ll tell you what made him scream,” said Suzy Tanner. “We got four bodies in Worthington’s bedroom and it looks like it was raining bowling balls. I got to hand it to the Morgan’s, though. They sure died trying.”