The Unfortunate Landlady - A Holmes and Watson Mystery

I posted this over a year ago, then deleted it. I couldn't make up my mind as to wheter it was finished. Still can't . I'm fickled.

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Holmes joined me at the breakfast table and lifted the metal dome from his plate.

“Watson!” said Holmes. “I seem to be missing my kidneys!”

“Really?” I said. “Well, let’s see if I’ve got them in error."

I lifted the metal dome on my own plate and saw nothing save my murky reflection in the white porcelain plate.

”Not so much as a kipper tail on my plate, dear boy,” I said. “I’ll go have a word with Mrs. Hudson. Pardon me a moment.”

“Don’t fuss, Watson, really,” said my old friend. ”I may have a tin of kippers laying about.”

“No bother at all,” I said. “I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

I’d been gone no longer than two minutes, but upon my return I’d seen that Holmes had already opened and devoured the kippers and was in the process of lighting a fresh pipe when I entered.

“Mrs. Hudson said she doesn’t know what on earth we’re going on about,” I said. ”That breakfast was served as usual, and she doesn‘t care to hear another word about it.”

“Did she now,” said Holmes. ”Is the woman drunk?”

“It would seem so," I said. “But I think not."

Mrs. Hudson entered the apartment just then with a coffee pot in hand.

“Morning, gentlemen,” said Mrs. Hudson. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’d forgotten to bring the coffee earlier this morning.”

Mrs. Hudson poured us each a cup and placed the silver pot on the table.

“Mrs. Hudson,” said Holmes. “Are you feeling well this morning?”

”Feeling fine, Mr. Holmes,” said Mrs. Hudson. “Why do you ask?“

”Oh,” said Holmes, “no reason, dear woman.You just appear somewhat distracted. Any unusual occurrences this morning?”

“Funny you should ask that, Mr. Holmes," she said. "You see, I’d been stirring up kidney’s in the frying pan, when I heard a knock at the front door. I left the kitchen to inquire and found a rather shabby looking gentleman standing, or barely standing, I should say, on the front step. He appeared rather drunk. The gentleman handed me a note and asked if I would be kind enough to read it to him, as he was unable to read it himself. I did as he asked, Mr. Holmes. And what a strange note it was.”

“Go on, dear lady,” said Holmes.

“The note said, Could you please point me in the direction of the nearest asylum. I seem to have lost my mind,” said Mrs. Hudson.

“You don’t say?” Holmes chuckled. “Did it say anything else?”

“No sir,” said Mrs. Hudson. ”That was all it said. But it did have an unusual letterhead."

“Go on,” said Holmes.

“It was a drawing of a red spiral,” she said. “I couldn’t take my eyes off it. But I managed soon enough, Mr. Holmes."

“Good for you,” said Holmes.

“I thought it was all just a rude joke,” she said. “And I sent the gentleman on his way.”

“Do you have the note in your possession, Mrs. Hudson?” said Holmes.

“Oh, no sir,” she said. “The gentleman insisted upon keeping it.”

“I thought as much,“ said Holmes. “Thank you for the coffee, Mrs. Hudson, and the breakfast."

“You’re very welcome, sir," she said. “Can I get you gentleman anything else?"

“I should think you have done enough," said Holmes. “Not a thing for us, thank you."

Mrs. Hudson then cleared the breakfast plates and left us to ponder this strange mystery.

“Odd,” said Holmes, “Wouldn’t you say so, Watson?”

“Odd, indeed, old chap,” I said. “She didn’t seem to notice that the plates and utensils were clean as a whistle.”

“What do you make of it, Watson?”

“I haven’t the foggiest, Holmes,” I said. “She’s certainly not herself today. What do you suspect?”

“Not what, dear boy,” Holmes said, “but whom.”

“Well, then, out with it,” I said. “Whom do you suspect?”

“Why, the devil himself!, Watson!” he said.

“Moriarty?” I ventured.

“A king’s ransom to the man in the brown tweed vest!” said Holmes clapping me on the shoulder. “That was Moriorty at the door this morning, Watson. I’ve no doubt about that. Poor Mrs. Hudson was just his unsuspecting dupe. The poor dear allowed herself to fall under his hypnotic spell. It’s all part of his plan. Red spiral drawing, indeed!”

“Moriarty’s diabolical plan to make us miss our breakfast?” I said.

“Very funny, old man,” he said. “I haven’t quite figured it out, but I will. You can count on that. And I’ve no doubt there was some sort of subliminal message written between the lines of that note. Of that, I’m sure.”  

As Holmes paced the room, again lighting his pipe, the door swung open and in rushed Mrs. Hudson in a harried state. Before we had a change to catch our breath, the dear landlady drew a revolver from beneath her skirts.

“Blast it all, Watson!” said Holmes. “Duck!”

Fortunately for us, under her hypnotic state, Mrs. Hudson had not thought to wear her spectacles. She was blind without them. 

“Watson!” shouted Holmes. “Just keep in constant motion until she runs out of cartridges!”

In her violent outrage, Mrs. Hudson managed to blast the nose off the wax bust of Holmes, and to place an air vent in his deer stalker cap hanging on the coat rack. When six rounds were spent, Holmes and I made a jump at Mrs. Hudson, hoping there was not another gun involved. But to our great relief, Mrs Hudson fainted dead away and we hoisted the dear women onto the sofa.

“Holmes!” I said. “Are you alright?”

I no sooner got the words out when I saw Mrs. Hudson reach back and grab the fire poker.

“Holmes!” I shouted. “Watch it!”

Mrs. Hudson made a desperate run at Holmes. Swinging the poker like a accomplished fencer.
Holmes grabbed a walking stick from the rack at the door and did a splendid job of dueling Mrs. Hudson to the floor, where I made a successful grab at the poker. Finally putting an end to the the whole sordid business.

“Watson!” said Holmes. “Sit on her if you must! Only see that she doesn’t’ move!”

I didn’t feel quite comfortable with the instructions, so I simply lifted the bearskin hearthrug and tossed it over the unfortunate landlady. It was quite heavy and did the job of keeping her in place.

“Watson,” said Holmes from his chair at the fire. “Toss me my slipper. I need another refill.”

As Holmes filled his pipe with the tobacco from the slipper, I grabbed the brandy bottle and poured us two generous portions.

It was going to be a long day.

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