Jim Woke Haylen

Haylen was woke by Jim. They had survived several acid trips together with Jim serving as guide, which in alcoholic terms is equivalent to designated driver. Aside from the time that she almost set her eyeball on fire using subpar stick matches under his supervision, Haylen trusted Jim with her sanity.

So when Jim smartened Haylen up in regards to her winning streak in Rally Round and offered her the invitation to lose and thus become a teacher, she grasped the concept immediately and jumped at the opportunity.

Haylen assured Jim that her loss would be as graceless as possible. She made up her mind to bring her derringer to the next game. She told Jim that for her loss, she would be willing to play a rare two person, winner takes all game of Rally Round. "Just you and me, Jim."

They set the date for Sunday, right after the Bills game.

When Sunday arrived, Haylen showed up at Jim's place wearing a tee shirt from Ass Clown Brewery which bore the logo "drink one don't be one". Under the tee, Helen wore her laciest black bra. She wore a pair of maroon capris over a barely there black thong and as always her pair of awesome sandals.

I'd describe Jim's clothes but it is'nt and wasn't much of a factor in the proceedings although he had considered renting a tux for the game until Haylen assured him that his formal wear would be superfluous.

Haylen suggested a game of Godiva Rally Round. Jim said that Godiva was alright with him as long as it was Kentucky Godiva. Haylen claimed that she was unfamliar with the Kentucky variation. Jim assured Haylen that she would catch on in a hurry.

He brought out two decks of cards and shuffled all 104. He also brought a bottle of Maker's Mark bourbon to the table. The early part of the game involved drinking bourbon shots. During this part, the Kentucky part, the rounds that Haylen won were the rounds in which the winner had to drink a shot and when she lost, those rounds happened to occur at a juncture in the game when whoever lost that round was penalized with a shot of bourbon.

This was the Kentucky version of the game. The Godiva version became strip poker. The same rules applied without the shot of bourbon which was long gone after the first hour. Every time Helen won a "parade" she would have to remove an item of clothing. Every time that a "glimpse" occurred according to the cards, Haylen would have to remove another bit of clothing.

Of course she began with her awesome sandals, next came the Ass Clown tee then the capris. The process continued until Helen was naked as Eve before the snake. Jim put on the Best of Donavan for background music. For a moment everything got all Atlantis and everybody was where they wanted to be. Love was all around the room and covered Haylens's body like heaven.

Then as suddenly as a scorpion sting, the bourbon kicked in as Halen went from noon to midnight in the blink of an eye.

Ignorant of the mood change, Jim decided it would be a good time to watch the naked Haylen crawl around on the floor so he manufactured a "Catch the Wind" maneuver which resulted in what was known as a 52 card pickup. Haylen cut the deck. Jim asked her to turn over the top cards of each of each cut stack. Haylen turned over the four of clubs. 

"There ya go Haylen...that's what I was talking about. That's the 'Catch the Wind'.

And with that Jim threw that pile of cards onto the floor and told Haylen to crawl around and pick them up. This when the gracelessness and the bourbon kicked in and presented themselves. Haylen argued that the four of clubs was not the card that initiated a "Catch the Wind" where she came from. The way Helen had learned the game, the jack of hearts was the upturned card that would initiate the pickup.

The argument got sloppy real quick . Haylen forced Jim to look at the burn spot in her eye which always had an hypnotic effect. She blamed Jim for ruining her goddamned life. The game was all about him. He didn't give a shit about her.  She wasn't gonna pick up the cards. That's when she went to her purse and pulled out the derringer. 

She pointed the gone first at Jim  then at the pile of cards of scattered cards and discarded clothing

"Get down on your hands and knees you son of a bitch"

At this point, Jim disqualified Haylen.

She had achieved her first loss and it was indeed a frightening, graceless, awkward fiasco.

Jim congratulated Haylen who burst into drunken slobbering at how much she loved Jim and the the derringer wasn't loaded and this was the proudest moment of her life and that she finally understood the meaning of "first there is a mountain than there is no mountain then there is" etc.

Haylen went on to become the first female Rally Round teacher. Her students would eventually include Thornton Krell, Henri LaPlumer, Rebecca, Julia Bobbi Roberts and the "surgeon" all of whom went on to become influential teachers in their own right.