Measuring the Pursuit of Perfection

    A common bromide in the ever expanding universe of statistics states that "if it can be measured it can be improved".

   The classic example of this statement is the four minute mile. Roger Bannister proved that it was humanly possible to run a mile in less than four minutes. Since that day, hundreds of runners have improved upon and shattered that barrier. One of those runners was a Rochesterian named Dick Buerkle. Dick and I were members of the same parish and graduated from the same elementary school. Dick was one year my junior. We all were familiar with the sight of Dick running around our neighborhood but none of us suspected his greatness. He didn't start running track until he was a senior at Aquinas Institute but once he started in 1965, he kept running and running. He attended Villanove University.

    On January 13, 1978, at the CYO Invitational held at the Cole Field he broke the indoor mile world record with a time of 3:54.93 He allegedly ate nine oreos and two peanut butter jelly sandwiches only a few hours before the race. Dick is the only graduate from St. James parish to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Inspired by Dick's achievements and training regimen, I took up running although most of my efforts were confined to training. I didn't run much but I ate a lot of Oreos and peanut butter sandwiches. Perhaps if I had added jelly to my sandwiches, I might have acheived more than I did in the Delta Kappa Greek games. My best effort was a farcical, sarcastic and sad two mile race during which I smoked a couple of cigarettes but yet finished the race within a half mile of the runner who finished second last in the event. Nobody even bothered to clock my effort but if they had, it could definitely be improved.

    On the other hand "if it can be measured it can be improved" does not take into account the possibility of perfection. Perfection is possible, most notably in bowling and in golf. In bowling, a perfect game means twelve consecutive strikes in one game stretching from the first frame to the final frame. It is impossible to roll fewer balls and succesfully complete the game. I've witnessed one perfect game in my life. When that kid rolled his twelfth strike, the crowd erupted. In this case, the crowd was me, my daughter and the proprieterix of the lanes. I had alerted the proprieterix after I noticed that the kid on the next alley had nine strikes in a row. The only people in the establishment at the time were the bowler and we three viewers. The kid buried the last three strikes with no emotion. We cheered. The kid was very calm. He immediately began his next game and threw yet another strike before he finally spared the second frame of the  game at which point Mary and I left the building.

    Although the lanes were empty, this did not diminish his achievement in my eyes. I had seen perfection! I'm still writing about it today.

    In golf, a hole in one is perfect. It is impossible to put a ball into the hole in less than one swing unless you just carry the ball to the hole and drop it in without swinging which defeats the purpose of golf. Although I am not a good golfer, I have somehow struck a hole in one on two separate occasions. I was alone on the course on both occasions. 

    Here's what a hole in one feels like. You take your swing and the swing feels good. Part of the reason why the swing feels good is because you have kept your head down during the swing. When you look up maintaining your backswing, you see that the ball is heading towards the hole. You think 'Damn that IS good'. You watch as the ball lands on the green, rolls a bit and then disappears from view. You approach the hole and with every step closer you wonder "jeezuz, did that go in the cup". You get to he green. The ball is still invisible. You walk to the hole and there it is. It went in. You look around and realize there will be no crowd roar because there is no one else in sight. You pick up the ball. You put it in your bag. Gonna keep that ball.

    Perfect.

    A beautiful thing to see, even if you are the only one seeing it.

    This perfection always takes me back to another feat of perfection that I witnessed with ten other guys, including Wild Bill, in my college days at Geneseo. We were always trying to come up with competitve measures for non-competitve situations. One of my dearest friends a guy named Dugie had set records in almost all events including the fastest apple ever eaten. There were problems with that record as it was difficult to establish a standard apple so any record would always have an asterisk. According to one legend an attempt  had gone terribly wrong, John McCormack attempted the record and took such a huge opening bite of the apple that his jaws locked and the apple had to be cut from his mouth while he was turning purple in suffocation.

    We were living in the splendor of a brand new dormitory whcih featured a spacious lounge. The whole dorm would gather at the television in the lounge to watch "The Monkees" and "Batman" but aside from those shows the lounge was usually empty even on Sundays before the NFL became a relgion. One of the "draws' to the lounge was the Coke machine . I started wondering what would be the fastest time that a person could drop his dime into the machine, grab the Coke, drink it and put it in the deposit case next to the machine. I set the standard as 12 seconds. 

    Eventually, word got around that a standard was in place so challeegers began to emerge. John McCauchey thought that he would give it a shot. John was big guy whose distinguishing Coke idiosyncracy was that he liked to buy a bag of peanuts and pour that into his Coke before drinking. Someone speculated that if John skipped the peanuts part, he could match the standard no problem.

    John decided to go for it.

    He gathered a few people and went for the record. He dropped the dime, he got a pretty good drop time, around three seconds. He did well on his opening as well. Very quick but deliberate. A bad opening would destroy the effort.It had to be smooth. John grabbed the Coke bottle and chugged it. The time from the drop of the dime to the placing in the case was 7 seconds. Everybody cheered and praised the big man for his accomplishment. He had smashed the barrier.

    Since it had been measured, it could be improved.

    Later that week, Dugie got wind of the standard and thoiught he could challenge it. Most people thought that was impossible but few people at the time, knew Dugie as well as I did. Dugie contended that it all depended on the drop and open time. If the dispenser produced a slow drop or the opening of the can was off the mark, then yes 7 seconds was impossible to beat but he thought he had a chance.

   The moment came and it drew an audience of about a dozen guys with nothing better to do.

    I can remember the attempt even more clearly than I can remember my holes in one.

   Dugie, who was as big as McCauchey but whose avoirdupois was more magnificent stood before the machine in the posture of a gunfighter in a showdon at high noon. At the signal Dugie dropped the dime into the slot with an extra push and got a perfect drop.  Less than second passed before  the Coke appeared at the bottom of the machine. In one fluid, uninterrupted, upward motion, Dugie got a perfect 'open' and continuing that motion brought the bottle to his lips and hurled the contents down his throat before slamming the bottle into the case. Elapsed time between 3 or 4 seconds with the official time being recorded as 3 seconds.

The activity had been measured but was never improved. I don't think anyone even tried. For the rest of my time in that dorm, guys with nuthin' better to do would gather at the machine and tell the story of the perfect drop, the perfect opening and the unbeatable time.

3 freakin' seconds.

Perfection

Dugie went on to establish many more "records" at Geneseo before joining a band and splitting for the coast where he once beat Carlos Santana in a game of ping pong.