A - Part One

Hennessy sweated under the immense bulk of the drunken Veluvian that
had deigned to use the luckless rocket captain as a chair. The fact
that Hennessy had been sitting in the chair first, sipping a quiet beer
mattered nothing to the purple creature that weighed in at a little
under 250 pounds. In desperation he cried out:

"Get off you fat bastard you're crushing me!"
"Poople?" the Veluvian enquired.
"Off. Get off! I was here first - find someone your own size to sit
on!"
"Bloort? Dakso."

The Veluvian lifted his skirts, stood up, and swaggered off to the bar
to order another Pink Grebly. Hennessy took a pull of his beer and
sighed. It was always the same. A dull Thursday night in Sam's Bar,
with nothing to do on this Zen-forsaken planet but to get drunk. He
brushed down his green tunic and straightened his tie. The High Martian
sitting opposite him nodded.
"I'm afraid you have upset him," the Martian said in a plummy
voice.
Hennessy replied in Galingua: "You can talk, he's coming this way and I
think he aims to sit on you instead."
The Martian uttered a cry of pure terror and jumped out of his chair,
to make a run for the day door. It was locked of course, this being
night time and all. Hennessy smaned enjoying schadenfreude as the
Veluvian grabbed the High Martian by the swiffle and dumped him back on
the chair. The Veluvian sat, smiled at Hennessy, raised his glass and
announce: "Gloogle pop, Bloort, aye?"
The High Martian glowered from behind the Veluvian's skirts wondering
if it would be permissible to shoot the Veluvian in the backside.

A while later, the juke box having finished playinga ballad from Sirius
4 entitled: "Wag the Swami" a stomper from the old days, Hennessy got
up to put a tune on. He dabbled the keys, flicked a credit into the
slot and chose a blues number from Old Earth. The he went over to the
bar and beckoned to Sam, a robot, who owned and operated the bar.
"Beer please Sam," The robot considered the empty glass Henessy had in
his hand. "Or Sladivice if you have any?"
"Fifty for the bottle, or ten for a shot," Sam said.
"I'll take the shot, I may not have time to drink the bottle."
"As you wish, Captain," Sam said.
The robot poured out a slug of the potent liquor into a glass.
"You stay at Hostel," Sam said, abbreviating his speech. "Yah?"

Hennessy knocked back the shot and then when his face had returned to
its normal colour, said that he had moved to the Stellar Inn.
"Just as well. Yon Veluvian and relatives stay at Poople Villa next
door. Much smell, smell bad, worse than latrine on first job with space
way firm."
"Oh yes they break wind when greeting each other, or get excited, don't
they?" Hennessy said.
"No match, bad, booom!"
"I'll remember that," Hennessy said, stepping to one side to allow a
representative of the Aldabran Federation to hurl goat curry onto the
floor.
The Veluvian had passed out. He saw the High Martian still stuck
helpless beneath the Veluvian and then said goodbye as it appeared the
Veluvian was waking up, with a smile on its forehead. He hurried out
the night door, which was open, and heard the sound of the Veluvian
passing wind. Henessy felt sorry for the Martian who had lent him the
money for his drinks and hoped that his pal had remembered to hold his
breath.

On the way back to the spacefield where his rocketship stood, he
stopped two juffies from huffing a space port girl of all her clothes.
The juffies had not paid a penny and he felt obliged to stop the
huffing at once.

He drew his blaster and shot both of them in the foot. The juffies
would grow a new foot by morning, but in the meantime they were rolling
about making weird hooting noises. The girl smiled weakly at Hennessy
who enquired if she had a place to stay. The girl shook her head and
indicated that the juffies had been a possible source of room and
lodging until Hennessy had shot them.

"Ah, but I thought..."

"Well, they do stink something awful but all I would have had to have
done was to dance naked for a bit and maybe give them a fried breakfast
in the morning."

She looked wistful.

Hennessy considered the situation.

"Can you cook?"

"Yes, I think so. But only fried breakfast."

"OK, you are hired, report to the 'Moonglow' immediately and make sure
that the purser pays you half a month's salary in advance."

"Why are you doing this?" The girl was completely baffled.

"Well, I have had skinful and I know just what I want to have
tomorrow."

"Me dance naked for you?" The girl said excitedly. "No stink."

"No, I just want a decent fry up for a change."