Question

Question

Someone once posed me a question-
'am I happy?'
'Well yes! of course' I replied, slightly confused.
(I didn't really get on with this person.. still don't)

I thought I had it all sorted.
I knew what I wanted and how to get it
but thats not the point.
Thats irrelevant.
Am I happy? Question in hand.
Yes I am.
But am I sure?
Thats what he asked me after I declared I was happy. I got slightly
annoyed at this point - what was he trying to prove anyway?
I knew he had problems.. but anyway,
now I think I understand him!

I can listen to my happy music
and watch nostalgic and feel-good films
and read about celebrities
and laugh at something hysterical that on reflection is not even
amusing.
But that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Underneath the exterior, I'm sad, slightly lonely.
I don't understand my head sometimes
and I'm confused as to what I want to do.
I'm being pulled one way and pushed another.
I just want to do what makes me happy
but it seems to conflict with some greater plan laid down for me.

I know everyone has these moments.
I couldn't admit it before but I've lied to gain attention and I've
pushed people I care about away.
Sometimes I'm more fake then real.
Sometimes I hate myself.
I hate who I've become.

I feel an urge to wipe away my life
and start again from 17
as if its my first year
but then thats quitting and a bit stupid really.
Don't worry, I'm not depressed or a maniac!
I'm just letting off steam and whats on my mind.
Hey! I'm having a moment. wow.