Some like It Hotter

Some Like It Hotter John F King jf.york@virgin.net

THE CARBON EMISSIONS DETECTOR VAN SCREECHES TO A HALT,
RED LEADER 1 AND RED 2 LEAP OUT ONTO THE STREET-

RED LEADER1 Hold it right there. House Number 7. Let’s get a read out on the thermal imager. Who could possibly live in a house like that?
This some kind of sick joke– a Mr Z and Mrs C Green!?
Their roof is a disgrace, covered in solars, wind turbs..Carbon footprint of emissions so low they’re nearly off our radar. We gotta go in.

RED 2 We don’t have a warrant.

1 Don’t give me that Shami Chakrabarti rap. We ‘re going in.
These folks are so environmentally friendly - I mean hostile - they’re a disgrace to the planet. I feel like I’m gonna suffocate I’m so incinerated.

RED 2 Incensed, Boss. Take it easy.
Here suck on this carbon inhaler. Feeling better, thinking straighter now?
Still no warrant though

RED LEADER 1 You going liberal, you going green, you going yellow..?

RED 2 Easy Boss, the planet ’ll heat up in its own time even without you fuming.

RED 1 It needs help if- it’s gonna heat up in my lifetime.

There’s something I’ve always wanted to say-

RED2 You say anything you want Boss, the thermals on mute – just as well…

1 - Go Go GO

THEY SMASH DOOR IN, LOOKING AROUND INSIDE WITH HIGH POWERED TORCHES

1 TV. Check. Just as I thought - totally switched off. It’s using less power than Gordon Brown. Flick it to standby, fast.

2 TV red standby light on.

1 Keep it that way.

2 Jesus, Boss look at this, they’ve got one of those gadgets that super hibernates their computer and…

1 Give me the carbon inhaler, I’m gonna be sick, these people are hard core

2 …and ..this is insane- look in the toilet, they’re even recycling the innards of their bog rolls. Shit!

1 Right you green bastards, Show me your loft.

Mr GREEN I demand to see your warrant.

1 If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than a fuzzy Green it’s a sharp one.
Loft. Now. After you.

STEPS

So predictable, double lagged. Rip it up.

MR GREEN But..

2 He said rip it up. Rip it up , NOW – think we’ve got all lifetime?

RIPPING

STEPS DOWN

1 And make sure you repay the grant or I could make things really hot for you at the council.

What’s next on the list, Red 2?

2 Chief, look at their recycling, bless ‘em, everything so neat, old copies of Independent made into fire logs, cans of pear cider crunched and rinsed…

1 I can’t stand it, mix it all up and bung it in the bin, landfill sharpish.

MRS GREEN You planet murders…

1 I haven’t even started yet, sunshine. Next.

Outside. Check their wheels.

MR GREEN I do want to waste your time but we don’t have a car.

1&2 BEAT, TOGETHER You – don’t -have – a- car

MRS GREEN Two wheels good, four bad.

1 4 x 4 Better. It’s your lucky day. Sunshine.

MR GREEN It is?

1 We are going to give you a free car. 4 x 4, neighbours won’t see you for fumes, it’ll turn their net curtains black, it will increase your net emissions factor by..

MRS GREEN You are giving us a car?

1 Right, sunshine. Government scrappage scheme. We replace bikes whatever their year of manufacture by the meanest 4 x 4s on the planet

MR GREEN You are going to give us a car?

2 You recyclers even need to be told stuff twice. Yes

MRS GREEN BEAT Why?

1 You know, sunsh..you… you’d look great in a bikini. What the hell is that hemp dump frump you’re wearing?

MR GREEN Now look here…

1 You listen good, Greeny. Do you like long winters, dark nights, living so far from a beach…
2
You tell ‘em Red Leader. Losers. Mrs A be hot in a bikini.
She could live in it.
We’re gonna make the planet as hot as she is.

MR GREEN Who are you, what do you stand for…?

1 Perpetual sunshine, endless summer, leave all the power on all the time, roar around in your car, emissions up, temperatures up, sea levels up, couple of years you could be living by the sea, no removal costs, the sea will come to you. Wouldn’t even need to look at the weather forecast, perpetual sunshine, and we’ll throw in a 4 x 4 . Gratis. Life’s a beach, well, the sooner you sign here it will be. Don’t waste time on the small print, that’s just more stuff for the landfill. No catch. Sign

MR GREEN Never, darling, what do you say? Darling? Sunshine?

MRS GREEN Never, we are right, they are wrong selfish misguided. You are right darling. You are my sunshine .

2 Ain’t this sweet. You heard the boss sign. Sooner you sign sooner we’re on the beach.

MR GREEN You are a sexist, carbonist, antediluvian, minion.

MRS GREEN Planet killers, you might as well be murderers, people will drown, fields will turn to concrete or dust, locusts…

2 Boss, they really are hard core, we’ve never come across anyone like ‘em, do something, they must have a price…

1 Time’s cooling, they are against everything we stand for, they are as cold as winter used to be.

I wanna make them extinct, put a plastic bag over their heads.… LOOKS AROUND BUT THERE AREN’T ANY Where….?

2 Boss, you gotta take it easy or you’ll never make it to the beach, here take the carbon inhaler again

1 God, I can feel the world getting cooler, I want the beach, the sun, bikinis, perpetual summer, I want it NOW…

Look, 4 x 4. Each. New fridge. Free first class flights to Maldives. Plasma TV in each room for as many kids as you can possibly have. Always on, of course.

MRS GREEN IMPLACABLE AS RED 1 CONTINUES LIST…pole seats Monaco Grand Prix….
I’ll even put bike racks – motor bike racks - on the 4 x 4s

AS THE LIST GOES ON RED2 AND MR GREEN GLANCE AT EACH OTHER WITH CONCERN
AS
RED 1 and MRS GREEN STARE AT EACH OTHER IMMOVEABLE…

RED 2 AND MR GREEN TOGETHER
I….er…wonder if they might just have a point, sort of….

RED 1 AND MRS GREEN BREAK TO GLOWER AT THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTNER THEN RESUME THEIR LOCKED STARE AT EACH OTHER.