Julian asks about Mobile Phones

Special day today, it’s his birthday. Eight years old bless him. Just given him his breakfast and he seems a bit quiet, hope he’s okay.

“Mum?”

Thank god, thought he was coming down with something, eight minutes in to his shreddies and he’d said nothing.

“Yes darling.”

“I’m eight today.”

Ahh, he’s all excited.

“Yes you are sweetheart, you’re a big boy now.”

“Now that I’m eight can I have a mobile phone?”

Damn, didn’t see that one coming, we’ve never spoken about a mobile before.

“Not yet darling, maybe you can have one when you go to the big school in a few years time.”

“Why can’t I have one now?”

“Because you’re still too little to have one.”

“But you just said I was a big boy now.”

Shit!

“Err yes I know darling but mobile phones are for BIGGER boys than you, but as I say, when you go to big school we’ll talk about it then.”

Well done you, handled it brilliantly.

“Tommy Atkins has one and he’s only eight.”

I bet he has, probably given to him by one of his “uncles”.

“Well he shoudn’t have one because he’ll get in trouble.”

“Who with?”

“ Err the Phone Police, they come round every now and again and take mobile phones away from boys who are too little.”

“The phone police?”

Shit, what have I done, this could all go horribly wrong now. Need to think quickly here.

“Yes, the Phone Police, not many people know about them, they go around and make sure people are old enough to have one, Tommy Atkins is definitely too young, so he’d better beware.”

“What do they look like?”

“Who?”

“The Phone Police.”

“Err they wear blue uniforms.”

Damn, where did that come from.

“Does Daddy call them names, like numptys?”

“I don’t know darling, why?”

“Cos traffic wardens wear blue uniforms and Daddy always swears at them and calls them numptys.”

“No, no, they’re nice people.”

“But they steal people’s phones, how can they be nice people?”

“No they don’t steal peoples phones.”

“You just said they did.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did, you said they take mobiles from boys who are too little.”

Shit, shit, shit.

“Look darling, all Mummy is saying is that you are too young to have a mobile, but we will talk about it again soon when you’re a bit older, that’s all.”

Good, that should do it, I’ve explained it to him in a nice reasonable way.

“Tracey Stevens in my class has also got one and she’s only eight, will the numpty police take her away as well, will they come at night and take her and Tommy Atkins away?”

“No no, no one is coming in the night to take anyone away, just the phones!”

“What if Tracey and Tommy won’t let go of their phones, then the nasty numpty police will have to take them away as well and hide them in a cave or something.”

This has all gone terribly wrong, need to distract him and quickly.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Julian, Happy Birthday to you, now eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for school!”