A human tale

Numb, I feel so stupidly mind numbingly numb. So numb that I don't
even know if can be bothered to write this. So why the fuck am I. Why
even bother doing any of this shit, anything at all! And I mean all of
this shit, breathing, eating, washing, opening your eyes to face the
world. Why wake up! Why not just masturbate and sleep while hooked up
to some drip, fuck I just wanna be in a coma (ok without the
masturbation its not as appealling.)

I might as well be for all the use my body is. Random pleasures from
nicotine, alcahol, sex, and occasionally the kick of hormones when you
look upon sheer beauty. That's the one good thing I will give this
world - beauty - in its many forms. Angels all of them - some stimulate
your mind, some stimulate your eyes, some stimulate your nose, some
your groin and rarely but sometimes one who makes you explode in an
orgasm of hormonal stimulation sensory overload. And when that happens
I can't cope and that's when you become numb. Nothing lives up to that
in the really real world apart from my head. And my whole ambition in
life is to live inside my head, why you ask?

Well I'll tell ya its because most of you think life is so much more
interesting than you could possibly ever imagine, well not with me! My
head works - that's it my head fucking works! I have a brain, I have an
IQ of circa 133, I have an imagination that is the greatest movie
director of all time, and sometimes just sometimes it lets me write
some of it down. When it does fuck fags, jd n coke, and oral sex and
just revel in the adrenalin speed buzz of typing words onto a page.
Shoot myself in the temple and pour pain, blood and vitriolic anger
across an expanse of white. Destroy, maim, bitch, whore, pimp, fuckin
A. God, yes you, this feels great. This feels like being sucked off by
an angel whilst the devil whips you raw. Warm hardening blood gently
tickling down your shaking, trembling legs. Fuck the mother earth,
lick, suck, eat it whole.

That reminds me I forgot something?going down on a woman. One of the
greatest pleasures, girls dump your man if he does not caress the inner
you, come here lay down and let me tease, suck, nibble, lick, rotate,
lift your hood and gently rub against my lips. Let me stroke, admire,
worship your whole. Let me run my tongue down your back across your
anus across the gap and do like dante. Encircle and traverse your outer
to your inner lips to find your centre, your pleasure, biting pain,
teasing anguish.

Ok I may not be erotic I may not have a body to match my mind, but it
functions in all the right areas and it does what my head tells it to.
Well sometimes, sometimes you feel the lump and one morning you are
waking up to phone a doctor telling him or her that you may have
cancer, wanting to scream just give me a fucking appointment no I do
not want to tell you what the fuck is the matter, yes my mum is
listening, and I don't want to have to admit this 36 fuckin times
before someone can tell me either way whether I could possibly die. And
I didn't and still don't want to die, that would mean no more head no
more mind no more damn fine oral sex (but then all oral sex is damn
fine), and last of all no more me. I like me, most of the time I just
about tolerate me, but sometimes I amaze me.

And as much as I hate clich?s I like being amazed. It amazed me how
they coped. Sitting in their beds, bloody piss and shit quietly filling
a heavy duty plastic bag on a pole next to them. Discussing bravely
with tears in eyes how they could tell their wife that the doctor gave
me 3 days max to live. It amazed me how they managed to eat fuckin
hospital food every day for the next 3 days. It still amazes me the
smell its like that piss eaten flesh/cabbage smell combined with the
cold clinical injections of faux-caring sympathy?oh yeah that's what it
was?bullshit! But the best was the count down from ten to five as your
feet to your head warms until cold and you wake up having eaten the
sahara desert. But this isn't to say I never wanted to die ever. I did
I have done. Just wait.

The 6th of June 2006 I had planted more than enough explosive into the
car, set to go the moment I opened the door. I had to die again. This
time was the third. I am sure you will find out about the first two
mistakes over the course of this narrative. But that was then and this
is the beginning.

New York was changing and not for the better. Blade Runner inspired
architects were popping up everywhere. Grandiose sleaze and decay was
the order of the day, side order of commercialism with that maam? It
was enough to make you sick. Yeah ok it was a great film, top ten in my
book, but it was like why let art inspire reality. It was as though
everyone was losing their way not knowing what reality was. Everything
had been done in film so anything that happened in the non-cellulouid
world was a clich?. And I hate clich?s more than anything. Sorry
repeating myself now don't worry its only for emphasis. Sometimes I ask
myself what next - designing ships so that they have to hit icebergs
and kill almost everyone on board. Just imagine it - "Experence it for
your self the REAL Titanic - not a simulation (warning this could
potentially be fatal).

Madness, I remember when it started. Just under five years ago I
switched on the tv to see a plane fly into the World Trade Centre. I
thought it was a trailer for a new film. I wasn't even shocked, I
actually thought "oh no not another New York disaster movie" and waited
for Bruce Willis to pop upon the screen in brand new vest under the
title "Die Hard 5 - This Time He Dies!" But Bruce didn't pop up CNN
did. Thats when the shock set in, "Oh my god this is real, this
actually happened, what the fuck?!". Then it hit you again, and again,
and again. Freeze frame, slow-mo, camera one, camera two, back to
camera one. They made into into a cinema experience. "Hear the
explosion in Dolby Digital Surround". They killed any shock I had. I
became bored with constant updates, I couldn't take the initial shock
in. they didn't give you a chance. I had to make it unreal in my own
head just to comprehend it.

Then the de-construction came. As they had blown a building apart and
atomised thousands the media had created a Ground Zero of human
fallacy. Life started to become a side order of fries to the
inter-textuality cheese burger. Humanity started to descend into
escapism. Reality just became too much!