The Monologue of the Evil Minion

Lights up. An EVIL MINION (male or female) is sat centre stage. (S)he is wearing a highwayman costume (mask, cloak, hat, etc.) (S)he is putting on a (clearly fake) noble-sounding accent, and therefore seems to be extremely well-spoken and dignified.

EVIL MINION:

So, I've been a minion now for about... three years. The training is probably the hardest part. The flying, especially. We have to throw ourselves off a cliff to test our powers. And it's a high cliff, not some minuscule grassy hill. I remember my first session. They told us, "Just run forward at full speed, throw yourself off and hope for the best." It was a painful experience. There were rocks under the cliff. I think it took about ten attempts before I actually managed to stay in the air.

(S)he clears his/her throat loudly.

EVIL MINION:

The voice is something I'm still working on. Obviously, in this business, we have to try and conceal our true identities. I'm not sure what my accent actually is at the moment, but it seems to do the trick.

(S)he adjusts his/her mask and hat.

EVIL MINION:

You've probably noticed my costume. That was an idea from the union – the Evil Minions Union, or "EMU" for short. They're trying hard to take things back to the traditional days of villainy. I personally took inspiration from Dick Turpin, the infamous highway robber.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

When I first entered this line of work, I didn't intend to become a minion. I originally trained to be a sidekick, but all of the "good-doers", as we call them, have formed something of a clique. I applied for a post with all of the major organisations – the Courage League, the Union of Goodness, the National Hero Association – but none of them would give me a membership card. After a month or two, I was running short of money and wasn't making any good business connections, so I thought I may as well switch sides until something came up. I've been stuck here for quite a while.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

We don't carry out your standard criminal activity in my department. We like to aim high. We have a close working partnership with the League of Sanity-Challenged Academics. For our last major project, we attempted to convert the majority of the Solar System into weapon bases. It's been tried a few times already. We nearly managed it – Pluto and Jupiter were coming along nicely – but they stopped us, unfortunately. Not the heroes... the funding board.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

We like to use the elements a lot in our work. I mean the elements of nature, not the Periodic Table. A personal favourite of mine is changing the weather to trigger earthquakes or tornadoes. We also start fires quite a lot. Fires are good. For a start, they're very noticeable. You can't ignore a fire. You can ignore a robbery, and you can ignore a fight, but you can't ignore a fire. That gets our name out there - people know what we're doing.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

Recently, we've tried to cut back on the use of superpowers. I mean, we still use them occasionally – flight, for example, is very important, and we do cliff training every day – but obviously, we minions come from a range of different backgrounds. We all have different abilities. I, for example, am telepathic, and can read the minds of my enemies. My best friend – well, we're not supposed to use that word, but never mind – my best friend has the power to summon ice, and can freeze pursuers in their tracks. She also comes in handy when the freezer runs out of ice cubes.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

On a typical work day, I wake up at about 5am. Then I train for two hours – flight training first, normally followed by some kind of martial art. Then I have breakfast in the canteen. The canteen isn't too bad, really. They have a good range for what we pay. I usually have something like a croissant or pain au chocolat. I adore French cuisine – I was based in a secret lair under the Eiffel Tower for several months.

After breakfast, we generally have a meeting with the Great One. He discusses our most recent evil schemes and their outcomes with us – what things went well, what we could improve on, you know what I mean. Every so often, he'll have one of us sent to the Pit of Eternal Torment, or "PET", just to keep us on our toes. He's been more prone to doing that recently, since our last few heists haven't gone as well as we'd hoped. Since we're not your typical ten-a-penny criminals, there are higher standards that we have to try and meet.

Once the meeting's over, we have a bit of recreation time. A common prank played by those who can summon water is to make filled-up buckets appear over the heads of the supervisors. They've tried to have the practice banned and send repeat offenders to the PET, but people just carry on doing it. It's good to commit little acts of mischief just to keep yourself in the game.

Pause.

EVIL MINION:

We've no real projects lined up at the moment. I've heard that there's an opening with the Agency of Light, so I might send them my CV. Then again, I doubt they'd look favourably on my employment history. I think I hospitalised two of their members once.

Pause. The EVIL MINION hangs his/her head.

EVIL MINION:

My heart, to be perfectly honest, simply isn't in villainy. I don't really like what I do. I only do it because I'm desperate, and many of my colleagues would say the same. We're not bad people – we're just caught up in a bad situation. Mind you, doesn't everybody hate their job nowadays?

Lights out and exeunt.