Snake Man

He sauntered up in front of the crowd and stared out at them for a
long minute. Without warning he shouted at the top of his lungs, "You
are all going to hell! Hell I say! Every last one of you!"

"You may think you have your family fooled or even your poor mother
fooled but not John Miles! I can smell your hypocrisy a mile away! You
don't think anybody sees you when you slip out late at night and go
down to the gambling hall. You gamble and partake of all kinds of
sinful pleasures.

This life is temporary! There will be an accounting one day! Pray that
God will be merciful to you sinners! You foul evil sinners!

I hope the Lord does not come back before you repent. You deserve to
burn in hell and probably the only reason your have been spared so far
is because of my preaching! God has mercy on you because He knows that
one day you might change your evils ways due to my preaching. I've got
a top shelf sermon for you sinners here this morning..."

Fighting off the voices in his head the preacher begins to
preach.

"Good morning everyone! Hope this Lord's Day finds you all well and
ready for worship. Now let's turn in our bibles to the Gospel of John,
Chapter 9 and find out what the Lord has to say about sin.

The handsome middle aged John Miles preached a mellow sermon about the
reality of sin and how we should strive to avoid sinful situations.
There was an "amen" or two spoken from the congregation during the
sermon. Mostly the people just watched the polite preacher speak kindly
to them.

With the sermon being over John Miles positioned himself at the back of
the Church in the doorway so as to greet all the attendees. He was
taking roll and making a mental checklist.

Mrs. Johnston was next in line.

"Good morning, Rev. Miles and what a fine sermon today! We are so
fortunate to have you." She smiled as she spoke.

"Good morning, Mrs. Johnston you heathen serpent from hell!" His mind
screamed...but his mouth gave it's automatic response..."Good morning
and thank you. Have a pleasant day. See you Wednesday."

Mr. Franks was next.

"Preacher, that was a fine sermon and some of our folks sure did need
to here about the sinning they been doing. Keep that kinda preaching
coming, OK? You preach a lot different than your daddy. How is your
father? Haven't seen him in a few days."

"Your the biggest sinner of them all you fat old sluggard! God's
judgment waits for such a sinner as you!" His mind screamed. Once again
his mouth came to his aid..."Good morning, Mr. Franks. Thank you, I
will keep preaching like that. My father is well. Out of town on a
revival."

Each person that passed by received similar mind lashings from the
preacher.

"Why shouldn't they? They deserved it! Sinners one and all!
If only my father was here he would preach the hell and sin right out
of them." He thought.

As the last person left the church the preacher retreated to his study.
He pulled out two sandwiches and two sodas for lunch. He set a plate
with one of the sandwiches on the other side of the desk.

He walked over to the large closet where his books and things were
stored. He drug out a big steamer trunk into the room. Slowly he opened
the trunk and pulled out the body of his father.

"Sit here daddy. While you eat I'm going to show you that I can preach
a good sermon. I'm no John Miles, Sr. but I do have some spark!"

He began to stride around the study waving his arms as if fighting off
a swarm or hornets.

"Open your bible's you heathen bunch of snakes! Let me preach to you
today about sin! Sin is what will keep you out of heaven you serpents!
I'm here this morning to let you know that your all on your way to hell
and I'm the man to keep you from going there, you sorry bunch of no
goods!"

"How is that for an opener, daddy?" He asked.

"Left you speechless did I? Well you ain't heard nothing yet!"

He ranted and raved in his study about hell and sin all afternoon until
he had to tidy up before Sunday evening service began. With his father
in a box and the people all in their pews he began his polite
sermon...

"Dear Brothers and Sisters, let me just begin by saying how wonderful
it is to have such committed church members who will come out twice on
a Sunday. You have shown me such a great welcome this past week and my
only hope is that I can be half the preacher my father was..."