Dozing With The Radio On

            (music ends)

            And, there. I always have a hard time hearing where that piece ends. That was Rocket J. Squirrel, playing Hahn’s “Mama Said” Etude. From an EMI recording in 1957.

            And now, news.

            Plans for the Lime Rock Reservoir Bike Trail, near Route 5, have hit a snag over the frog crossing suggested through an environmental impact study. The issue this time is a threat to the speckled gnat. At Tuesday night’s meeting, a representative for the frogs agreed, in principle, to a ban on eating speckled gnats near the trail or at the crossing. The bike trail committee wanted to go further, with a commitment from the frogs not to eat any insects in that area, just to be on the safe side. The spokesfrog let it be known that they knew the difference between beetles, butterflies and dragonflies, and the gnats- spotted, striped or speckled, and, tasty as the speckled variety was, they would make an effort not to eat those. That if “It ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Ribbit.” That a total ban on eating bugs is asking too much of a frog. “Ribbit.” Hearings will continue Thursday night at 7pm. All concerned parties and frogs are urged to attend.

            An unidentified man spoke at Friday’s gas board meeting, displaying a sign saying: “Walnuts Are An Inside Job”. He spoke against what he said were regulations that forced the public to eat walnuts. He said that walnuts contain ‘Trace Arsenic’, which, he claimed, killed Marilyn Monroe, among others. Then he went on about other things. A transcript is available on the Asymmetrical County website. The gas board adjourned for a few minutes, and then passed a resolution affirming that the less-than-ruly resident didn’t have to have anything to do with walnuts if he didn’t want to. Later, just outside the county building, he was quoted as saying: “I didn’t get the camo at Bass Pro, the facepaint and the testosterone treatments just to have everybody agree with me. This is totally wack. Merry Christmas!” He was then taken into custody and transported to the Seven-Eleven, further down Route 5.

            The truck-eating railroad overpass in Industry claimed another truck Monday. There were reportedly no injuries to the people involved, or to the silage contained in the trailer, since it’s so squishy. There was a large sticker on the dashboard of the silage hauling truck, saying 11’ 4”, and one on the bridge saying 11 feet, but, there you are. Efforts to remove the truck and what’s left of what is being referred to as a silagepockalypse on Route 5 continue this morning.

            In farm news, neighboring Baney county has discovered beans. “So, that’s what was growing there,” Agriculture Extension Agent Orville McChesney said. “We never would have thought that there were so many beans in this county. We thought we were just known for being 25,000 feet below. It’s growing all over the place. We’re gonna have to get rid of it somehow, before it rots.” Buyers jostled each other rushing to the county to purchase a world of beans. This should have an impact on bean prices, and the cost of the Van Camp’s on the picnic table this year. 

            Nearby Corn is down a nickel. Nearby River October Corn, down seven cents, and I don’t have any idea what that means. If anyone does, please call our hotline. I’m in over my head, here. Steers are up a dollar per hundred-weight, and Sow Bellies… well…. let’s just skip Sow Bellies.

           It’s 3:05, and the news was brought to you by the folks at The Pepsi Bottling Company of Asymmetrical County, who say- “Hey, concert fans! Found yourself in the middle of Tristan und Isolde? Why not crack open an ice-cold Pepsi.”

            Also through the people at Hess Heating and Air, Route 5. If you don’t have AC right now, well, better luck next year.

            And now, Iggy Pop, conducting Boscovic’s Concerto in D minor for violin and Theremin, by the Esperan National Orchestra, Route 5…