Orientation!

“Welcome to our company, and welcome to our family! In your orientation leaflet, we stress that although we’re publicly owned, we are a family company. Some here joke and say that they have the status of the family dog, and that is not true. We in admin like to think of you more like beta fish. Like the ones you see in a teeny-tiny bowl on the counter of the Chinese restaurant where you get the kung-pao? So beautiful! So quiet, you’re not sure it’s even alive. It’s just floating there! You might lean toward the bowl and say- ‘Hello! Hello little fish!’ Now imagine that it answers back. Like, with something more than: ‘Hello! I am fine. No complaints whatsoever.’ No! Instead, it says things like: ‘Hello! My name is Alexander. I have carpal tunnel in my dorsal fin. My bowl’s too small, and there’s no circulation in here.’ How appalling that would be! A pretty little fish saying things like: ‘I’ve got a mind to raise a stink. My paid time off isn’t registering in the system, and my boss is a snail. Stick it to the man! Anarchy! Anarchy!’ Imagine that! I’d be scarred for life.

Now we’re on page five in your packet… Discounts with our local advanced business partners which are hardly worth driving across town, or even getting out of bed for. But, there are more benefits than can be found in your introductory packet! We’re always having events. Thursday Pizza, for example. After a half a shift stirring molten goo, you can limp right up and say ‘This didn’t happen here, it’s somehow due to my dissolute homelife,’ sign the affidavit and get your slice! Initial. Page eighteen… Our open door policy. Nearly every employee here has swung by my office to see my cactus collection! And, initial. And, the part where initiating a complaint process warrants the issue of a new badge to be worn at all times between the shoulderblades.  Anyquestionslet’smoveon. Initial. Uniforms! Page twentytwo. And appearance! The last thing we want is for you to look like our customers. The uniform insures that. No one would be caught dead on the street in that shade of puce.

Which brings us to… the product itself. Those hired to the production floor might have heard rumors that we manufacture the vodka lollipops you see behind the Plexiglas at the convenience stores. And it’s true. What did you think we made? Just Lollipops? How long would you stay in business doing that? So, we should be grateful for the ‘Let’s Play Fast And Loose With Liquor Laws’ bill they passed in the state legislature, to which we owe our existence. But, as a result, we’ve taken some flak. However, we also have our enhanced partnership with ‘Feed The Kittens’, ‘Don’t Suck And Drive’, and Senator Whatsizname. Plus, we’ve just joined the fine people at ‘Kids Saying No To Drugs’ and ‘Slugfish Are Beautiful’. Your contribution is mandatory, but matched by us, dollar for dollar! You can get a tax deduction for that, if you’re some wealthy eccentric. Turn the page… Use of the lolly is banned… we’re on page twentyfive now, oh! yours is upside down… That’s okay! Leave it that way. Doesn’t matter. I find it helps sometimes. Just make sure to initial it right-side-up… Use of the lolly is banned, and we test randomly. Page twentyfive, I said!…there you are. Have you been using the lolly? [general laughter] Use of the lolly is banned, but a baseline trace in your system can’t be avoided. There’s no getting away from it. Like, Earnestina in Quality Control, she’s been here fifteen years- we call her ‘Mumbles’. And we in admin don’t register much in our blood at all. Our building’s upwind from all the vodka powder, so we care.

Which brings us to the back of the packet and the part which tells you not to benefit from your relationship with the company in any way that’s not seen on your little paystub. It calls for a full signature. There are some pretty nifty tricks out there, so sometimes we pay close attention to your activity. But we can’t tell you what we’re looking for since some of you are quite clever and can back-engineer your way to riches. So, we’ll be keeping a close eye on you. Well, I will, from my new post in the loss prevention department at our headquarters in Saturn, Florida. Warm climes. This is my last week here. Come by my office Friday to eat some cake and see my cacti. Don’t get the two mixed up.”