Chadpocalypse - 3:2 The Mission

Chad opened his eyes to a forest of thick black spikes with razor-sharp thorns growing out of the sides. The ground beneath was soaked with red-brown liquid that had to be blood. The thought: What fresh hell is this? came to mind and he laughed. He reached a hand to his forehead, feeling where the cherub had plunged its pitchfork. Sure enough, it was good as new. He didn’t feel thirsty yet, but the hot air was making quick work of whatever residual water he had left over.

There was a soft pop as the cherub appeared in the air next to him. “Oh boy, The Forest of Pain and Pokes!” he exclaimed with delight.

“Really?”

“What?”

Chad shrugged. “Forget it. So, what’s the deal with this place?”

“Well, it’s a forest, and it’s made of objects that are easy to impale yourself on.”

“Wonderful.” Chad looked at the ground and saw a clear path through the forest, but it was going to be a tight squeeze. Thorns protruded at odd angles, making it near impossible to pick his way through without getting cut. “So, tell me, if we wanted to make a deal with the Devil, where would we go?”

The cherub whistled. “Well, that’s a bit of a journey.”

“What, are you short on time?” Chad started picking his way through the forest, trying to keep his distance from the sharp tines on all sides.

“I guess not, but we’re going to have to pass through several rungs of hell to get there.”

Chad vaguely remembered reading Dante’s Inferno for a class, but mostly he had been fantasizing about the hot professor who had read it to him in Italian. At the time, that had seemed a worthy endeavor. “Well, that will give us some time to think about what exactly we’re going to do to change his mind then.”

“Well, Lucifer does love a good wager.” The cherub floated carefully a few feet above the spikes, watching Chad work his way through. “But I’m not sure you’ve got anything to bargain with. You’ve got your soul, I suppose, but those aren’t worth what they used to be”

Chad laughed. “I’ve seen people selling them for a cup of coffee.” He wondered what the barista demon would think if he saw him in his current predicament. “Don’t think I’ve got anything else The Devil would value either, unless he’s into collectable cards. I’ve got a binder under my bed back there.” He pointed a finger upward. Chad realized in that moment that he had been missing for the better part of a year. He had left no notice to his landlord, and he bet the man hadn’t waited very long before ransacking the place. There was also the fact that he was likely a wanted terrorist for the plane crash, if they hadn’t found his body yet. “On second thought, scratch that, those cards are probably long gone.”

“Shame your friend isn’t here. I’m sure Lucifer would have been interested in his little resurrection trick.”

“Do you think Death killed him?” Chad hadn’t given James much thought since his arrival in Hell. Being repeatedly murdered tended to make one’s mind go blank.

The cherub thought about it. “Almost certainly. I can check the registry on my next break, but who knows when that’ll be.”

“Figures.” Chad pushed his way past a series of thorns, misjudging their distance. One of them ripped through his arm, tearing a deep gouge and sending hot fire to the core of his bone. “Fuck!” he screamed, knowing that somehow, he had still gotten lucky. If he had been a little more careless, his entire arm would be wriggling on the ground.

“Yeah, those are real sharp.” The cherub pointed to the path ahead. “You’re supposed to try and avoid them.”

Chad looked down at his arm. Blood was pouring from the wound. “Can you just kill me now and we’ll start over?”

The cherub looked at his stopwatch. “Unfortunately, no. I’m supposed to be keeping you on your toes. Sorry.”

Chad’s blood dripped to the ground and from somewhere deeper in the forest, he heard a loud creature’s roar. “What the hell is that?” he groaned.

“Oh, did I not tell you about the minotaur?”

Stomping footsteps shook the forest, causing the spikes to waver dangerously, wobbling in and out of the path.

“Well, if you wanted to die quick, you’ve got your wish!”

Chad looked behind him and saw the hulking figure of a horrible beast. Its head was sewn together from the skull of a cow and the skin of various animals he couldn’t identify. Two black sockets oozed blood in the center of what he assumed was the creature’s face. It slashed through the forest like tissue paper, cutting the stalks in half with long talons.

Knowing the outcome was inevitable, Chad ran forward, ducking between the spikes and thorns, trying his best to avoid them. From behind him, the creature screeched, sending the smell of rot and decay flowing through the forest in a wind. Chad picked up his pace and ignored the increasing tremors of the ground beneath him. “I take it you can’t help me get out of here?” he asked the cherub.

“Not directly, but I can tell you you’re going the right direction.”

Chad reached a hand up to give the infuriating creature the finger. At the same instant, he passed beneath a low-hanging spine that snipped his wrist and severed his hand entirely. Unimaginable pain radiated from the wound and Chad’s vision blurred. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he gritted his teeth and tried to run through the pain.

A claw caught Chad in between his shoulder blades, sinking into the flesh and pulling him backward. Chad’s forward momentum stopped and he felt the uncomfortable elasticity of his skin pulling away from his body. The creature lifted him in the air and turned him around until they were face to face. Up close, Chad could see the maggots crawling in and out of the creature’s sewn up skin.

“Oof, this isn’t going to be fun.” The cherub covered its eyes but made sure to leave a hole in its fingers for peaking.

“Get on with it already, you rancid prick.” Chad spat blood at the creature. It flew in an impressive arc right into the minotaur’s eye.

The minotaur cocked its head, roared, and then ripped him in half.

Chad blinked and found himself on another cliff’s edge, this time looking down at the spiked forest below. He could see the minotaur picking at the ripped chunks of his corpse and shivered all over. “That never gets old.” He cracked his neck from side to side, feeling the freshness of his new body. “Is there any rhyme or reason to where it brings me back?” Chad asked, assuming the cherub was somewhere nearby.

“Don’t think so. At least you’re not going very far.” The cherub looked down at the minotaur feasting on past Chad’s remains. “At least it was for a good cause. Look at how happy the little guy is.”

The minotaur stomped and snorted, practically rolling in Chad’s dismemberment.

“Well I’m glad my death could help someone.” He looked out at the red rock landscape. Stretching out to near infinity in one direction was the spikey forest. Just on the edge of that was the lake of fire he had first appeared at. Far in the distance, he could see the rising, jagged shapes of mountaintops, and in the other, massive sand dunes. The sands shifted, briefly revealing a large worm-like shape moving within them. Well, any direction that isn’t that direction.

“Alright, you said we need to travel through the rungs to get to the man in charge. Where exactly are we?”

“Good question!” The cherub pulled a map out of thin air and opened it for Chad. It looked like a crudely drawn theme park, only the numbered attractions were all for various forms of torture. The map was structured in concentric rings, with each having a specific theme. The first, Limbo had a big yellow stamp across it that said ‘Pardon our brimstone while we create this new torture experience for you. Garden of Endless Bowel Movement opening Summer 2020.’

“Limbo is under construction?”

The cherub nodded. “Turns out, most people thought endless shifting wastes were a little boring. Don’t worry, it’ll have long lines when it opens, but if we start walking now, we can get in line for the Garden of Endless Bowel Movement in the next few months!”

Chad glared at the cherub. “I think I’ll pass.”

“But, why—” the cherub paused “—Oh, right, you want to see Satan. Doesn’t matter what your demonic little friend wants, does it?”

Chad shook his head and looked back at the map. None of the rungs were what he remembered from the book. A small You Are Here marker was placed between the outermost two rings or ‘The Sands of Passive Aggression’ and ‘Gentrification City’. Some of the more traditional sins like Greed and Fraud had been kept, but most had been modernized. “What’s that in the middle of Gentrification City?” Chad pointed to a small black line that led to several rectangles within the various rings.

“That’s the express train.”

“Express train? I thought you said we had to walk.”

“Well, you need a card of purpose to use the express train.”

“And? Where can we get one of those?” Chad scanned the map, looking for an information booth of some kind, but couldn’t see it. There was one water fountain listed in an attraction called The Maw of Repeated Chewing. The nearest bathroom was conveniently located on the opposite side of the map, just through the Disembowelment River Adventure.

“There is an employee appeals center in the middle of G-City, but that’s going to involve a lot of forms…” The cherub chewed his tiny fingernails. “Maybe we could go get in line for the garden and then go do this afterword?”

“When’s the garden open?”

“Summer 2020!” exclaimed the cherub hopefully.

“Huh, sounds like that’s after the apocalypse.” Chad watched for the immediate disappointment to set in on the cherub’s face. He had the creature in the palm of his hand. “If you ever want to go to the Garden of Endless Bowel Movement, we need to see The Devil and stop the apocalypse. Otherwise, your summer 2020 is going to be spent fighting angels in the final judgment on Earth.” Chad was assuming a few things about how the apocalypse worked based on movies and television, but the cherub didn’t need to know that.

A tear rolled down the cherub’s cheek. “I don’t want to do any fighting. I just want to torture down here like a good demon.”

“Great.” Chad tried his best to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “Then we need to get to that express train sooner rather than later.”

The cherub looked at the map, back out to the sands, and then to Chad. “Fine, but you’re going to let me do the talking when we’re in the city.”

“Wouldn’t dream of having it any other way.” For the first time since entering Hell, Chad felt hopeful that he might eventually get out. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to spend eternity there. “Hey, thanks for your—”

The cherub’s stopwatch went off. “Oooh, bad luck buddy.” The cherub stuck two fingers in his mouth. The sands shifted once more. A massive worm with four razor sharp pincers and a mouth full of ugly, teeth made of shattered glass burst from the nearest dune.

“You’re a real dick, you know that?” Chad looked at the worm, and then to the cliff edge he stood over. “See you in a few minutes.” He ran to the cliff and flung himself over the edge and into the forest of spikes. Behind him, the worm reached out with hungry jaws, missing him by inches. Unable to stop its movement, the creature toppled over the edge into the forest below. Chad watched in extreme pain as a spike ripped through his chest, spewing bone and innards with it as he slid down. He took comfort in the pained cries of the worm as the same happened to it. At least I’m not suffering alone.

The world went black.