Chadpocalypse - 3:6 Death on Two Legs

“Holy Hell, what a rush!” screamed the cherub in a mix of ecstasy and delight. The inquisitor laid on the floor in front of him, mouth still agape. Blood continued to trickle from the cherub’s own gunshot wound, but he didn’t seem to notice it. He was huffing and puffing to stay midair, marveling at his kill. “Is this what it’s like every time?”

Chad was still standing stock still, unsure of what exactly had happened. “I have no idea,” he muttered. He looked down at the inquisitor, wondering if she might have been able to get them to the devil. Either way, it was too late now. “So, what’s the plan?” he asked the cherub, full well knowing the answer and already stockpiling anger.

The cherub blinked slowly, looked down at the inquisitor, up to the gun in his hand, to Chad’s face, and then back to the inquisitor. “Oh, well, we’re definitely going to be on Hell’s shit list.” He took the gun and fired it at the glass window they had come in through. The bullet ricocheted dangerously around the room, sending sparks off several surfaces before burying itself in one of the concrete walls.

“I’d say be careful, but you’re the one it’s going to hurt apparently.” Chad motioned to the decomposing woman on the floor.

“Oh, this isn’t permanent. She’ll be back, so we should get moving.”

“You think?”

“Look, Chad, I wasn’t thinking straight, ok? You were in danger and I wanted to protect you!” The cherub folded his arms, still holding the gun, and pouted.

Chad went quiet as he heard scuffling on the other side of the door the inquisitor had come through. “Backup?” He pointed to the door.

“Backup,” the cherub confirmed.

Chad bent down to the inquisitor’s body and unsheathed the sword she had worn on her back. He held it in two hands, feeling the weapon’s weight. It felt good to not be helpless again. “Well, worst case scenario, I’m just going to pop back into existence, right?”

“Or I die, and you end up getting a real demon.” The cherub popped out the pistol’s clip and checked the rounds. “Plenty left to plug a few more of these meat-headed freaks.”

“Stay behind me.” Chad moved to the door, slipping into an alcove beside it, sword at the ready. Seconds later, the metal door hissed open and a group of demons came rushing out. They were far more muscular than the inquisitor and spoke in brutish growls rather than eloquence. Huge horns spiraled off the top of their heads, scraping the door jamb as they charged through. The stench they carried in groups was somehow still worse than Chad could have imagined.

Waiting until he could be sure no more were coming through, Chad stepped out and moved up behind the closest demon. He raised the blade and swung with all his might. “This one’s for Joe, you rank-ass brimstone jockeys!” The blade stuck halfway between the creature’s head and neck.

The demon turned around in surprise, brandishing a whip made entirely of interconnected razorblades. Blood spouted from where the sword had struck, but the creature continued to advance. Unsure of what else to do, Chad lunged forward and punched the demon in the sternum. White light erupted from where his fist touched, splitting into lightning-like cracks along the demon’s roughened skin.

The creature gave him a puzzled look and dropped the whip before exploding in a shower of foul-smelling black pus. Chad closed his eyes, trying to shield himself from the horrifying liquid, but it coated him all the same. He tasted something that was a mix between black licorice and sewage water and gagged. Luckily, his eternal stomach had nothing in it. Chad’s hand steamed from where he had struck the demon. The knuckles burned red hot.

“Jesus, I thought they smelled bad--” Chad spat demon goop onto the floor, “--on the outside.”

The other demons turned, flinching at the holy expletive Chad had uttered. In that same instant, the cherub leveled his pistol and shot them both in the head. There were small spurts of black liquid and the demons fell to the ground. For good measure, the cherub floated over to them and pumped the remaining rounds from his pistol into their limp corpses.

“Was that entirely necessary?” asked Chad, trying to brush the demonic goop from his clothes. It smelled horrible and had already begun to seep into the fabric of his suit.

“Want me to reset you?” asked the cherub, leveling the handgun.

“What? No!”

The cherub pulled the trigger, but there was only a hollow click.

“You’re psychotic.” Chad picked up the gore-covered whip from the ground and flicked it experimentally. The razors whipped through one of the demon corpses like it was tissue paper, splitting the body clean in half. “That will do.”

The cherub fluttered toward the ground and put two hands on a demon’s head. “Want to give me a hand in removing this?”

“War trophy?” asked Chad.

“Har har.” The cherub pointed to the door. “We’re going to need it to get through that.”

“Right.” Chad raised the whip and brought it down on the demon’s neck, spattering the cherub as he did so.

“Careful with that thing.” Despite its tiny hands, the cherub grabbed the demon’s head by the ears and pulled it free. He flew toward the door and slammed the head against a pad with a prolonged squelch. A light turned green and the door slid open.

“So, we just going to fight our way to the train station?”

The cherub held up the demon’s head and worked it like a puppet in response. “You got a better idea?” he asked, using a false gruff voice.

“You really have issues.”

The cherub shrugged. “I’m a demon, comes with the territory. You’d be a little confused if you spawned right from someone’s head into Hell too.”

“Fair point.” Chad walked through the door and into a plain metal hallway. The cherub floated behind, holding the demon’s head in front of him like a shield. Each step Chad took made a sickening squish and left black, goopy footprints on the polished floor. He looked around for any indication of how to get out, and found the hallway had no turns. It continued to an elevator door at the end that was once more painted with a red five-pointed star. “Hell could use a few more interior decorators.”

“Demons aren’t exactly the creative type.”

Chad motioned toward the pad on the side of the elevator. “Little help?” he asked.

The cherub obliged, pushing the demon head to the panel again. Once more, the doors slid open. “Is it really going to be this easy?” Chad asked.

“Don’t jinx it.” The cherub dropped the demon head on the elevator floor.

Chad looked at a range of buttons that didn’t seem to be in any particular order. There were selections for ‘Lavacuzzi Bar’, ‘Whipping Rooms’ and various other torture areas. He scanned through them and settled on the button simply labeled: ‘Lobby’. The elevator door closed and the carriage rocketed downward at immense speed. Chad closed his eyes hoping he wasn’t about to be splattered into a million pieces again.

Luckily, the elevator slowed to a stop rather than crashing to the ground. Chad gripped the whip handle in preparation. The doors opened, revealing a black, marble lobby filled with demons. Most were wearing leather attire similar to what the inquisitor had worn, but there were a few hulking brutes that were stark naked.

“That the official attire?” Chad tried his best not to feel inadequate.

“Everyone needs a hierarchy,” whispered the cherub, casually tossing the demon head behind him. “We need to play this casually.”

Together, they stepped out of the elevator. A second later, the doors shut and every eye in the room turned on them. The cherub put a hand on the back of Chad’s head, attempting to push him forward with authority. “Official business, nothing to see here.”

There were a few seconds where the demons stared at Chad and the cherub with more curiosity than anything. “I don’t think they’re buying it.” Chad made an experimental arc with the whip, slashing it through the air in front of them. “You heard the little man, go back to your business.”

There was silence, and Chad thought they might actually walk out without a fight. Then a demon yelled: “Get them!”

One of the nude demons charged at Chad, extending long claws from the end of its fingers.

Chad tried to maintain eye contact with the demon. “Alright big man, I’m not really that sorry about this.” In one, smooth motion, he brought the whip to bear and split the demon in half. Both sides of the creature continued to hop forward for a few seconds before falling on the lobby floor. “Who’s next?” Chad’s confidence grew by the second.

At that point, a receptionist emerged from behind her desk with a large rifle.

“Guns, so uncivili—” A bullet ripped through Chad’s head, ending the sentence with a hollow gurgle. So, we’re back to this again, he thought as the world went black. Hopefully little man takes cover.

Chad blinked and reappeared in the lobby, only this time closer to the desks. He was in the middle of a group of leather-clad demons, all staring at him hungrily. “You all really have some loopholes you should get figured out.” He clenched his fist, hoping that whatever had helped him the first time would help again. The demons charged. Chad ducked down and pushed off from the floor, smashing into them with a furious uppercut.

His hand glowed white hot and he caught a demon on the chin. The creature’s head flew from its body and smacked into the high marble ceiling where It exploded like a watermelon shot from a cannon. Black liquid exploded like a macabre Rorschach test on the ceiling. Chad turned to land a second blow, but a demonic claw ripped through his chest.

“E.T. phone ho—” Chad wheezed with his dying breath, extending a glowing finger and prodding the nearest demon. White fire spread out from the place he had touched. At least someone’s got my back.

Chad blinked and reappeared just outside the group of demons. Gunfire erupted almost immediately from the reception desk again. He slid low, watching as the bullets ripped through the remaining demons. Some fell still, but others turned to rush. “Right, so we’re just going to keep doing this.”

Chad ran at the group again, punching through two more demons before being caught by another stray bullet. Once more he reappeared and this time went straight for the receptionist. She landed a few good shots in his chest, but not before he was able to get a hit of his own. She glowed white hot and exploded. Chad fell to the floor beside the desk, took her rifle and pointed it at his own head.

Seconds later, he was standing beside the desk again. The remaining demons took a good look at him, decided it wasn’t worth it and fled. Chad was able to catch one before it got to the door and put a fist through its head. His fist glowed with righteous fury. There was something good in what he was doing, he could feel it. When the remaining demons had fled the lobby, the cherub emerged.

“Holy shit, dude.” He looked around the marble floor at the mass of demon bodies and deceased Chads. It was a blood bath in every sense of the word. “I don’t think there’s a chance this goes unnoticed.”

“Again, with the brilliant observations.”

The cherub was breathing hard, still bleeding from his leg.

“Let’s do something about that.” Chad picked up a strip of leather from one of the many bodies and made to wrap it around the cherub’s leg.

“Woah, back off man. I’ve seen what those hands can do to demons.”

Chad looked down at his fist. It had stopped glowing, but steam was still rising from between his knuckles. “Fair enough.” He tossed the strip of leather in front of the cherub.

The cherub picked it up and tied the band off above the wound. “This should work for the time being.”

“Something tells me we should get to the train station sooner rather than later.”

“And you tell me I say obvious shit.”

“After you. You are my keeper after all.”