Death Co: 2. Angels and Demons

2. Angels & Demons

     I know the dichotomous religious view of a good vs. evil world might seem overdone, but it’s pretty close to the truth. There aren’t eternal plains of battle where angels and demons wage war against each other for infinity. Instead they fight over the souls of the living in a process that more accurately represents politics than war.

     The recently deceased are seen as somewhat of a commodity. Let’s say that someone like the Dalai Lama were to fall off a bridge. Seconds later there would be angels clambering at the bottom trying desperately to sweep up chunks of holiness before I could (that’s right, I get high profile cases). My job involves fighting them off (usually with a slew of venomous insults), and ensuring that the deceased goes through the proper processing channels. It’s like someone trying to cut in line at the DMV, only they have the ignorance of a religious zealot (in this case they’ve kind of earned the God complex, but fuck ‘em).

     Angels aren’t the only ones who try and cheat the system. Demons are just as bad, and often worse. I remember I was working a case, real nasty bit for a death row inmate. He had murdered a man for some reason or another, but had later repented in prison. Well, the law doesn’t always see repenting as redemption. The man was given the 2,000 volt express to the world beyond, and that’s when things got weird.

     When someone is on death row it’s customary to give the requisition agents a heads up. That day I was a bit early, so I sat on the opposite end of the room, waiting for the man to die (it’s a brutal thing to watch, but entertainment is hard to come by). The execution went off without a hitch (a rarity in Oklahoma) and there was an aggravated inmate stepping out of the chair.

     “It didn’t fucking work! I knew they’d screw this up, pigs.”

     “Calm down, it worked, your dead trust me.”

     “Pff, right, and who are you then?”

     “Death.” I enjoy a penchant for the dramatic on occasion, spices the job up.

     “Then how come I’m still standing here?!”

     “Short answer, you’re not.” I motioned to the chair behind him where his body lay in a heap, beginning the long process of returning to the earth. I was reminded in a very morbid sense of the Lion King, but thought it would be best kept unsaid. The gravity of the situation had barely begun to dawn on the inmate when Johnnie Cochran popped out of the floor and began advocating for the rot of the man’s soul.

     “Come on boy, you don’t have to answer any of this man’s questions, let’s go.”

     “Don’t do that.” I said to the inmate who had suddenly become speechless. It might have been the first time Johnnie Cochran was advocating for a murderer to get his due. I thought it a bit strange as well, but my job is to keep cool in situations like that.

     “Don’t listen to him.”

     “Johnnie, step away from the boy and back into the shit hole you crawled out of. He’s mine for processing. You know that, I know that, and the guy downstairs certainly knows it.”
     “You are violating this young man’s rights!” I pulled a small revolver from my side pocket and cocked it. Weapons don’t do much good in the afterlife, but they still sting a hell of a lot, and the mess is still very real.

     “Johnnie, don’t make this ugly.” I leveled the gun at his head.

     “Come on, do you really believe this man deserves The Lord’s justice? He took an axe to a man over a Philly cheese steak!”

     “Not my job to judge him Johnnie. Step away.”

     “This man belongs in hell! Look at him! It makes no sense to take him with you.”

     “Hey!” Said the inmate, piping up in his own defense. I had almost forgotten that he was there.

     “Shut up or I’ll let him take you.” That got him to pipe down. “Johnnie, I’m counting to three.”

     “This is ridiculous! If anything you’d be doing The Lord a favor, maybe get your ass promoted!”

     “1.”

     “I know you’ve got bigger aspirations than this.”

     “2.”

     “Fine, fine you uppity son of a bitch. I’ll see you next time, and you, I’ll be seeing you real soon.” He said sinking slowly into the floor. The inmate looked as though he wanted to piss himself, but was slowly coming to terms with the fact that he was no longer able to do so. It’s a weird feeling at first, but you get used to it. I led him back to the office and the afterlife continued to trudge on. I wish I could say the first day went so smoothly.