The Best Birthday Present Matthew Ever Had

The whole church were standing in the International Christian Centre. The whole Bournemouth branch of Weedon Reservoir Community Church. 160 people. Colin and Stanley busied themselves attaching a boombox to a laptop computer that would play all of Matthew's favourite music, painstakingly researched by listening to all the songs that he had been playing on his big Bluetooth radio. The domestic sisters had set out all the plates of food, covering huge tables. There was only one thing missing.
"Where's Matthew?" asked Stanley. "Does he know it's his surprise 60th birthday party this afternoon?"
"Of course he doesn't," said James. "If he knew that it wouldn't be a surprise."
"Isn't somebody going to get him?" asked Stanley.
"Well volunteered, Stanley," said Colin. "You can go and get him while I set up the music player."
"Where is he? Is he at the farm?"
"No," said James. "I saw him walking down to the railway station this morning. He said he was going to the seaside."
"Why didn't you stop him?"
"What was I supposed to say? You can't go to the seaside today, it's your surprise 60th birthday party this afternoon." 

Stanley picked up his mobile phone and called Matthew.
"Hello Matthew. Where are you?"
"Walking along the sea front in Bournemouth. It's a lovely afternoon. The sun's shining, there's a freezing cold gale force wind blowing in from the sea, and it's quite refreshing when you've been walking for hours on a hot day. I've never been happier."
"Make your way back to the station, Matthew, and I'll come and get you in the car."
"No need to. I've got a return ticket. The train will be here at half past four."
"I will come to the railway station in the car and give you a lift. I insist on it."
"That's awfully kind of you brother." Stanley drove down to Bournemouth Railway Station and met Stanley sitting on a bench on the platform where he usually waited for the train.
"Fancy some fish and chips?" asked Matthew. "There's a really nice chippy on the pier. You can eat fish and chips and look out of the windows at the sea."
"Do not waste church money on frivolous things like fish and chips. A woman joins our church and gives us her wedding ring and says, 'That's all I have.' And you waste her money on fish and chips."
"I get £20 pocket money a week. Don't you?"
"That is not your money with which to do whatever you please. You should spend as little of it as possible and give most of it back. Do not waste it on frivolous things like takeaways."
"You're making me feel guilty. I had a sausage sandwich for lunch. I spent £6."
"As much as that? You should have asked one of the domestic sisters to make you a bag of sandwiches and a bottle of squash."
"No one's ever complained about us buying takeaways before."
"Well, I'm complaining about it now. We need to rediscover the original vision of community." 

Matthew got into the car and Stanley drove him to Bournemouth Town Centre.
"We're not going back to the farm," said Matthew.
"There's an important meeting in the International Christian Centre. The whole church will be there."
"I bet Pastor Boris is appointing me as a Church Elder. I'm so happy. I've wanted to be a church leader since I went to school in short trousers." Stanley burst out laughing.
"Have you wanted to be a church leader since you went to school in short trousers, Matthew? I didn't know." The car arrived at the International Christian Centre. Stanley and Matthew walked through the door to the loud singing of Happy Birthday to You. The woman with the big round glasses, the pony tail and the fluorescent polar neck sweater walked up to Matthew and said,
"We thought we'd put this on for you, Matthew, because of everything you've done for this church."
"Oh, that is so touching," said Matthew, "because I've wanted to be a church leader since I went to school in short trousers. If I'm not actually a leader in this church, I hope I can at least be a little disc of cartilage in the backbone of the body of Christ without which it could not possibly function."
"Matthew," said Pastor Boris, "we will accept you as a church leader if you have other people following you. It's a certain 'Je ne sais quoi' which causes other people in the church to come under your authority and under your spell and to agree with everything that you say. That is church leadership. I have it, Matthew, and you haven't got it. It's nothing to do with preaching sermons on your website."
"You know about the sermons I preach on my website?"
"I'm impressed Matthew."
"Praise from you is praise indeed."
"Thank you, Matthew. The respect is mutual. You're one of the very few people in the world who know more about the Bible than I do. And from now on you may lead the Saturday night meeting and the mid week cell group when no one else wants to do it."
"Thank you, Pastor Boris, that's the best birthday present I ever had."
"But you must remain a Household Timothy and a Laundry Deacon until you can prove that you have other people following you. You are not a church leader."

It was Wednesday afternoon. James said, "Matthew, I used to have a cell group on Hope End council estate but I gave up on it. There weren't any new people joining it and the few people that we had seemed a little bit dead. But Matthew, if you're an aspiring church leader and you're looking for a battle you can win, where no one else can?" Matthew's eyes lit up.
"Yes. Yes I would like to lead it. This is how you become a leader."
"Call up Andrew. I'll give you his number. It's in his house."
"Are you coming with me?"
"No. Matthew, you've passed your church driving assessment and I've booked the car for you, it's got a satnav. Go there on your own. You can do it."
"Thank you. All by myself. Apostle Matthew Ellis. I shall phone Andrew in plenty of time so he can make the tea."

That evening Sid was riding his mobility scooter along to the cell group at Andrew's house on Hope End Estate. Someone had left a full set of three wheely bins of different colours on the path right in front of him. Sid stopped the mobility scooter and started swearing his head off. He got out of the mobility scooter, moved the three wheely bins from the path onto the grass, and  then got back into the scooter to carry on his journey. Sid arrived at Andrew's house. Matthew opened the front door and offered to help Sid out of the scooter and up the stairs.
"It's all right, I can manage," said Sid, climbing up the stairs through the front door in a manner that seemed too easy.
"What's with the scooter?" asked Matthew.
"I have been crippled in a tragic accident. My father's car was written off and I now have to use a mobility scooter to travel any kind of distance."
"Sid," said Rachel, "your father's car has a dent in the boot. The garage quoted £4,000 for a repair and the car is ten years old, so it's only worth £2,500. That is the only reason the insurance company wrote it off. Your father is still driving around in it. I saw you walking through the park three days later. You only got that scooter when the solicitor spoke to you on the phone."
"It was delayed whip lash. I only became aware of the injury several days after the accident."
"What a terrible thing to happen," said Matthew. "Why don't we have a healing meeting tonight? We can pray for Sid's neck and anyone else who needs healing."
"No, don't do that. Just pray about my assessment tomorrow."
"Yes Lord," said Matthew. "I pray for Sid's assessment tomorrow. I pray that they will be fair to him. Give the assessors wisdom. Give them great wisdom. Give them the wisdom of Solomon. I pray that Sid will get the money he deserves."
"Amen," said Sid.

They went into the front room. Andrew followed them and asked,
"Who wants fish and chips?"
"Yes please," said Rachel.
"Fish and chips? Great," said Enid. Matthew and Sid enthusiastically nodded. Ten minutes later, Andrew returned with a plate in each hand.
"I hope you don't mind microwave fish and chips," he said. "Tinned sardines with spaghetti hoops and lukewarm oven chips reheated in the microwave oven."
"No, we don't mind at all," said Matthew.
"I live on my own and I've got no time to cook."
"Perfectly understandable," said Rachel.
"I know the feeling," said Enid.
"So, what are we going to talk about tonight?" asked Matthew.
"Can I be a sentimental silly old lady," said Enid, "and waste the whole evening talking about my family and their problems?"
"Enid," said Sid, "that's quite an interesting story but I've heard it several times before."
"Why don't we go on a prayer walk?" asked Andrew.

After tea Andrew led everyone out into the street.
"We reclaim this estate for Jesus," he said. "We pray that a light from Heaven will fall on this dark place. Oh Lord, change the atmosphere of spiritual deterioration and decay that exists here." At that moment a big bulldog came charging towards them. It seemed angry and was barking its head off.
"Everybody pray in tongues, now," said Rachel. Everybody started shouting loudly in the languages of men and angels, except for Matthew who started to sing.
"In the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus, we have the victory. In the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus, demons will have to flee." The dog looked terrified. It began crying and then ran away. "Well, I realised I didn't have much of a singing voice but I didn't think it was that bad."
"It's not that, Matthew," said Sid. "The dogs here are demon possessed. When you pray in tongues, they disappear."
"Remember that when you're on your way home," said Andrew, "and one of them's blocking the street and won't let you past. Exorcise the dogs."

The next day Sid was having his assessment with the DSS. Three men in suits sat at the front of a large hall. One of them stood up and said,
"I have been filming the client, Mr. Sidney Case." A picture of Sid riding in his  mobility scooter appeared on the screen. He got out of the scooter and moved the three wheely bins before getting back in again. "He is not as disabled as he seems."
"That is an AI deep fake," shouted Sid. "That wasn't me."
"I doubt an AI deep fake would be uttering all the obscenities you were uttering when you were moving those bins."
"I had to utter obscenities. Those bins were extremely painful to move."
"So you admit that the film is genuine?"
"Oh, well yes."
"Perhaps these scenes are also genuine." The screen showed Sid pushing the mobility scooter along the street when it had broken down. There was another shot of him using a foot pump to blow up one of the tyres. "Just how much strength do you have in your legs, Mr. Case?"
"It's not my legs, it's my neck." Another man in a suit got off his chair and stood up.
"Well, Mr. Sidney Case," he said, "I think we have demonstrated that you have no serious disability. Your claim is dismissed."
"I'll appeal. I'll come back here with my solicitor."