The Nutcase Friendly Bible - Sodom and Gomorrah

The Lord appeared to Abraham.
"I'm going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah," he said.  Abraham was furious.
"You're going to wipe out two huge cities just because the people in them are gay?"
"It's not because they're gay.  The people in Sodom and Gomorrah are overfed and unconcerned."
"God," asked Abraham, "are your really going to wipe out two whole cities just because the people in them are fat?"
"They're not all fat.  Some of them are really skinny."
"Oh, come on.  This is insane."
"Abraham, let me explain."
"I wish you would, Lord."
"The problem is that some of the people in Sodom and Gomorrah are overfed and they're unconcerned about the poor people who are starving."
"Oh," said Abraham.  "Oh, I see.  But God, far be it from the Lord to sweep away the righteous with the wicked.  Suppose there were one hundred people in the cities who would give a sack of turnips to a poor family who were starving?"
"If there were a hundred people who would give a sack of turnips to a poor family I would not destroy those cities."
"Suppose it was just a cabbage?  Suppose there were ten people who would give just one cabbage to a poor family who were starving?"
"If there were ten people who would give a cabbage to a poor family I would not destroy those cities."
"But Lord, suppose it was just a grapefruit?  Suppose there was just one person in those cities who would give a grapefruit to a poor family who were starving?"
"If there was one person who would give them a grapefruit I would not destroy those cities."
"Lord, forgive me for going on and on about it but suppose it was just an orange?"
"If there was one person who would give a poor family an orange I would not destroy those cities."
"Lord, forgive me for going on and on about it and forgive me for trying your patience but could I ask just one more time?  Suppose it was just a tangerine?"
"If there was one person in Sodom and Gomorrah who would give a poor family a tangerine I would not destroy those cities."

Lot sat with his wife Bodzilla and his daughter Zilla.
"Abraham says God's going to destroy the city," said Lot.
"God's a loving God.  Why would he do that?" asked Zilla.
"He says there isn't one person in Sodom and Gomorrah who would give a tangerine to a poor family who were starving."
"So what?" asked Bodzilla.  "We are kind to poor people.  We gave them that great big park to use as a cemetery when they ran out of places to bury their dead."
"A huge park it was," said Zilla, "you could walk across it for hours.  And we gave it to them so they could bury their dead with dignity.  Generous we are, too."

There was a loud knocking on the door.  Lot opened it to see three men.
"You've got to get out of this city," one of them said.  "God's going to destroy it.  Fire's going to rain down from Heaven."
"Come in," said Lot.
"You're not going to let those religious nutcases into the house, are you Dad?" asked Zilla. "Surely you don't believe all that rubbish."
"Why would God be angry with us?" asked Bodzilla.  "Our sins wouldn't be anything much."
"I've never done anything wrong," said Zilla, "I'm just selfish.  People should keep their own tangerines and not have to share them with others.  They got their tangerines by their own efforts."
"Their slaves had to grow their tangerines," said Lot.
"Tangerines just grow on the tree all by themselves and then the slaves come along and pick them," said Zilla.  "How hard is that?"
"The poor never enjoy any tangerines themselves."
"But Dad, we pay them a handful of millet every day.  That's a good wage for doing something as easy as picking fruit."
"Look Zilla, the problem is that the poor people in these cities work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week and die in large numbers because we don't feed them properly."

The argument went on all night.  The three men, who were really angels, explaining about the judgement, Zilla and Bodzilla laughing at them, Lot capitulating to his family and eventually deciding that he wasn't going to argue anymore. Finally the three angels grabbed Lot, Bodzilla and Zilla and dragged them out of the house.  The angels dragged them all the way to the top of the hill.
"Could we just stop here?" asked Bodzilla.
"Why?" asked one of the angels.
"There's a really good view of the city from here and I just want to have one last look."
"No," said the angel, "now we run.  Now we run and don't stop on the way and don't even look back."  Bodzilla pulled her hand out of the angel's hand.
"I can see the whole city from here.  It looks beautiful in the twilight."  There was a rumbling noise like distant thunder.
"Can you hear that sound?" asked the angel.  "The volcanic eruption is happening already. You have to run."
"Absolute rubbish," said Bodzilla.  The angel left her.  She was still gazing at the city.  "Just think of all the lovely times we had together down there.  That's the nightclub where we used to drink all that wine, and all the other things we used to get up to."  Bodzilla was struck by a blast of rock ground up into fine dust and died.  She looked like a pillar of salt.