Vehicle Registration SK1D 5ELP

“Hello.

This is George your store welcomer for this afternoon. I would just like to thank you for coming to PRAZDA your local superstore and member of the WALL-ART GROUP. And this afternoon we are happy to announce that we are rolling back prices on crow bars, baked beans and dog food. You can find me at the Customer Help Desk where I am always happy to deal with any problems and issues that you may temporarily have. All issues that is except car reconstruction and repair.

Would the driver of car registration number SK1D 5ELP, of what used to be a small blue hatch back please come to the help desk.

Now we do not want to alarm our customer, but you should prepare yourself for a little bit of a shock when you see the car. And we need to ask if there was a passenger in the car, if so, she or he may need rescued.

If you were buying anything from the Pet department, for example taking advantage of our price roll back on dog food, you might want to put the goods back on the counter. Your dog, that you left in the vehicle with registration number SK1D 5ELP is unharmed. Or at least the small copper spaniel last seen running across the car park away from vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP at high speed was. He seems to have escaped through the rip in the car roof.

You should note that we have called the fire brigade, and they are on route. But they have explained that with the multiple fires currently blazing in six locations across the city at our other stores, that there will be some delay before they are able to arrive. So with this in mind a visit to the building equipment aisle where you can obtain one of our specially discounted crow bars could prove beneficial. Very useful in tight situations like this to deal with squashed doors that are reluctant to open.

You do not need to worry about buying a hose from the gardening department as we do not sell any that would be long enough to reach the car from the gents toilet which is where the nearest tap is located. Vehicle SK1D 5ELP is not actually on fire. Yet that is. There are however sparks currently coming from what used to be the car engine.

Our door security officer is standing at the customer help desk and he has the fire extinguisher from the staff room to give to you. A monetary tip for Mr Nagussie would be appreciated as our union have not been successful in our pay rise negotiations. At least not yet.

While we do not sell complete cars, our Car aisle contains many car spare parts. Doors, roof, engine components, tyres, wheels, bonnets, side mirrors, in fact just about all the items that you will need to replace in and on the car. If the Store Manager was available I am sure that he would be able to offer you some special terms for all the parts you will need. However his replacement when appointed shortly might be able to help. We have already processed a computer order for the new Manager and our stock control system usually has all replacement orders here within four hours from the central warehouse.

Now in case you have any difficulty finding us, we are at the entrance which is the closest one to where you parked vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP. Just go to the queue at cash register number fifteen. Explain to the queue that you need to get past, tell the shop assistant on the cash register that you are going to pay at the customer help desk and that Mr Nagussie the security guard is waiting to meet you anyway.

We are also next to the chemist shop where you can buy a number of sedatives to deal with shock.

If you could retrieve your insurance documents from the vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP after you have jacked the door open, put out any fires and rescued any passengers it would be of help if you could bring the them back to the customer help desk so that we could photo copy them just in case any claims have to be made against yourself for any damage caused by your vehicle, escaped dog or yourself during your time at the vehicle.

For your information the entire incident was recorded by our CCTV camera in the car park. You were very lucky today that Mr Nagussie had remembered to turn the camera on and that it was pointing in the wrong direction. It was meant to be covering the staff entrance today in case there is any industrial action following our proposed union vote.

In fact would the driver of vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP please hurry up, as the staff are due to stop working and man an official picket line. If you take much longer then the members of staff already gathering in the car park to form the picket line may prevent the police, ambulance and eventually the fire brigade from being able to enter the car park.

The driver of vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP should however not worry about being able to identify the driver of the large vehicle which crashed into his vehicle. As we have it all on the CCTV recordings , we have been able to identify the driver as the store Branch Manager. The banana which caused his skid, or rather the bunch of scattered bananas, are also clearly shown on the recorded video. It may be difficult to identify what if anything is left of the body after his car exploded. But we have a clear shot of the Manager’s screaming face as his car rotated in mid air sideways while completing a full summersault hitting your stationary vehicle with registration number SK1D 5ELP on the roof, causing the roof to come downwards and making the doors rather difficult to open when squashed.

There is just one other final purchase that the driver of vehicle registration number SK1D 5ELP may find useful. A large brush from the cleaning aisle. The wreckage of the exploding somersaulting vehicle may make your vehicle difficult to get close to. While we have a large range of brushes, due to the still burning parts that you will have to clear, the one with the metal hairs may be of special interest to you because of it’s non corrosive and non burning nature.

And while I am on this announcement I would just like to remind all members of staff to please lay down their tools and congregate in the car park for the proposed vote on industrial action. And on the way out please do not congregate near the vehicle wreckage just for safety.

Thank you.”