Totally Talentless

A voice in his ear tells Vince he is 30 seconds from going back on air.  In the background a trailer is being transmitted to televisions all over the country.

“Are you totally talentless?” a jovial commanding voice booms   “Would you like the opportunity to show the world just how bloody awful your singing voice is?  If so then log on to auditions.info/totallytalentless.com to find out how to audition for the next series.

“Ok Vince, 10 seconds until back on air, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 and cue Vince.”

“Welcome back to Totally Talentless, the final, where we have four truly terrible singers competing for the chance to win one million quid.” Vince works the stage as he gives the audience a few seconds to cheer.  “This is the show where only the worst acts get through. What is more, one of those acts will get the opportunity to make a life changing decision.”

The camera pans along the four finalists as they are caught in the bright hot lights, their images flash across giant screens.  They each hear their names among the chants of the rabble. 

 “The phone lines have closed” Vince comes back into focus.  “So please don’t phone, if you do your vote will not count but you may still be charged.  Also if you are watching on catch up and are moronic enough to think of voting, DON’T, the programme has already aired DUH!!!”  He pauses to bask in the laughter.

“While we wait for the result let us have a chat with some of our judges.”

The smug face of head judge Nigel Heaps comes into view.  “It is very difficult to make a call Vince.  They are the most diabolical bunch of singers I have ever come across.”

The audience roars in agreement as Nigel pauses briefly before raising his hands to quiet them.  “It takes balls to stand up there and be laughed and jeered at but they have all held their own and are deserving finalists.” 

“Who is your money on Zoe?”  Vince moves on to the next judge “Who do you think will be getting the opportunity to make the decision tonight?”

“I think that Candy Cane has the edge.” Zoe’s face doesn’t move as she bears perfect white teeth to smile into the camera.  The crowd responds with an indecipherable babble. 

Excitement mounts as Vince presses a finger against his ear piece in an attempt to hear over the audience noise.   “The result is in!” He announces jubilantly and an assistant comes on stage and hands him a card.   The audience settles and Vince puts on his poker face.  “Yes Folks, I can now reveal our winner.”  Silence hangs heavily over the auditorium as the camera scans across the finalists and back to the presenter.   Vince lets the pregnant pause drag out until a restless hum starts to ripple through the audience, impatient now for the climax.

“The winner and therefore the act that will be given the opportunity to make the decision and win one million pounds is….” an electronic drum roll stretches out Vince’s final pause. “Candy Cane!”

The audience respond explosively and Candy, a 6 foot 3 transvestite clad in a figure hugging sequined dress, jumps up and down ecstatically.   For a moment Candy’s femininity is betrayed by a macho air punch but she quickly composes her stance.   The other finalists feign smiles and dodge ticker tape, as soon as Candy is still they close in on her with the obligatory hugs and kisses. 

Eventually Vince manages to prise Candy away from the others and takes her to the front of the stage.  He takes control and settles the audience. “Now Candy as the winner you are about to face making what could possibly be the biggest decision of your life.  How does that feel?”

Candy is caught in a close up and as she looks through heavy spider lashes her oversized lips tremble. “It feels bizarre Vince, like a dream.”

“The big question is can you take the next step Candy?” Vince glances dramatically at the audience then back at Candy.  “Are you ready to make the decision?”

Candy closes her eyes and responds huskily “Yes Vince, I am ready!”

The audience hails delight as the pinnacle of the show arrives.

“In order to walk away with one million pounds all you need to do is nominate one of the other finalists to be pelted with stone laden tomatoes, to the death, by our audience here on live television.  The question is can you go through with it and if so who do you chose?”

The three choices are displayed on camera looking dazed.  The audience watch with excited eagerness as they wait for Candy’s decision, hopeful that they will not be disappointed.