Escape from the City (A Spoof)

Presenter: Hello and welcome to ‘Escape from the city’ you know that dirty place that the poor bastards have to put up with whilst the rich piss off to the country. (Couple move into shot) I’m joined today by Jam and Semolina Fromage-Frais.

Jam just what is it about London that’s prompting the move?

Jam: Well you know, Vernon, the usual stuff; millions of tourists packing out the place, the traffic and of course the crime rate and uncontrolled immigration.

Presenter: And just whereabouts in London do you live at the moment?

Jam: Watford.

Presenter: Eh, okay. And, so Semolina, perhaps you’d like to tell us where you’re planning to up-sticks to?

Semolina: We’ve given it a lot of thought, Vernon, and both Jam and myself were thinking about a complete break; a chance to experience new horizons.

Jam: Yes a chance to seek out new worlds and new civilizations; to boldly go….

Semolina: Sorry about that. (Whispers) Star Trek DVD box set for Christmas.

Presenter: Well this sounds like one of my biggest challenges yet. Will it be a remote crofter’s cottage in the Scottish highlands, or a converted barn house in the beautiful Lake District; perhaps, even, a rural idyll in the Emerald Isle? Jam?

Jam: Slough.

Pause

Presenter: Slough?

Pause

Presenter: All right…em…any particular reason?

Semolina: We like The Office.

Jam: You know - that nerdy David Brent bloke. Starts to imitate Brent’s infamous dance from the series and then begins to assume Brent’s personality. I don’t see myself as a boss, more like a chilled out comedian. (Looks into camera as Brent does)

Semolina: Yes, Jam reckons that as Ricky Gervais becomes more and more popular appearing in Hollywood films with hilarious American actors like Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson, house prices in Slough will reflect his growing status as a celebrity to be worshipped.

Jam: It wasn’t our first choice mind you?

Presenter: No?

Jam: Originally we thought Manchester.

Presenter: Why was that then – work commitments, or the new casino perhaps?

Semolina: Oh no, Steve Coogan.

Presenter: Steve Coogan?

Jam: Ah ha!

Semolina: Jam just worships Alan Partridge and then we thought he was very good in The Parole Officer and A Cock and Bull Story.

Jam: But then I saw Night in the Museum.

Semolina: Yes. After that we fully expect Manchester house prices to crash.

Jam: Too risky.

Presenter: But Ricky Gervais was in Night in the Museum

Jam: He was?

Semolina: Who did he play?

Presenter: The museum curate I think.

Jam: That wasn’t Ricky Gervais was it?

Presenter: I think it was.

Semolina: But he was worse than Steve Coogan.

Presenter: Shall we forget Slough then?

Jam: Probably better if we do.

Semolina: Where are we gonna go then?

Jam: I dunno, (To presenter) any ideas?

Presenter: Well, normally people are looking to get away from the city and out into the countryside.
Semolina: Isn’t it a bit scary?

Presenter: It’s safer than most metropolises.

Jam: Who’s funny out there then?

Presenter: Nobody’s funny…well, maybe there may have been…look, that’s not the point of the programme.

Semolina: What is then?

Presenter: It’s in the title – “Escape from the City” – not, “Escape and Follow That Comedian”.

Semolina: Okay calm down. You’re very serious.

Jam: You need to lighten up. Where are you from?

Presenter: Originally from the South-West, if you’re interested.

Semolina: Well we won’t be looking there then.

Jam: No.

Presenter: Well which county do you think you’d be most interested in?

Semolina: Dunno.

Jam: How about Hertfordshire?

Presenter: You live in Hertfordshire!

Semolina: We do?

Presenter: How about Oxfordshire then? It has some beautiful countryside and it’s not far away.

Jam: What do you think lover?

Semolina: Sounds alright to me.

Presenter: Now that’s settled, can I ask you what sort of priorities are you looking for in your new house?

Jam: We need plenty of space. Two reception rooms at least and a minimum four bedrooms.

Semolina: I want a large kitchen incorporating a breakfast bar and a separate dining room.

Jam: And I need a study.

Presenter: You intend to work from home then?

Jam: No, I just want a study.

Presenter: Anything else?

Semolina: I would love a big garden, with possibly its own vegetable patch.

Presenter: You have green fingers?

Semolina: (Looks at her hand) Oh you’ve noticed. (She lifts up her fingers and shows him her nails) Emerald Forest. From Boots.

Jam: And a double garage – of course.

Semolina: Don’t want his BMW hogging it all.

Presenter: What make of car do you have?

Jam: I bought her a Porsche as a wedding present.

Presenter: How romantic and is she a good driver?

Semolina: You big silly, I can’t drive.

Presenter: I’ve certainly got my hands full there then. So you know how this works?
I’m off to Oxford to find you three suitable properties and you can follow me on this laptop. (Gives Jam the laptop)

Jam: Rather follow you in me BMW.

Jam and Semolina collapse in hysterics

Fade

Presenter: I’m now in leafy Oxfordshire, along with our house-hunters Jam and Semolina Fromage-Frais. So let’s remind ourselves of the essentials you were looking for in your new house: two receptions, a large kitchen, dining room, four bedrooms and a big garden.

Jam: And a study.

Presenter: Yes, not forgetting the study (Pause) anything else?

Jam: We don’t want to be near a road.

Semolina: And we mustn’t be overlooked.

Jam: No farmyards either.

Semolina: Yes the smell and the animals.

Jam: And tractors, they might be a nuisance.

Presenter: It’s going to be rather difficult avoiding those in the country.

Semolina: Why?

Presenter: That’s what makes the countryside what it is?

Jam: (Disappointed) Oh.

Presenter: How did you imagine it then?

Semolina: Well, you know, like you see on TV - a couple of houses and a pub.

Jam: Yeah, lovely…but we don’t want to be next to the pub.

Presenter: The countryside has a variety far richer than simply the village pub and a duck-pond. There are farmyards with all kinds of animals and fields growing a variety of crops. Where do you think you get your potatoes for example?

Semolina: Tescos.

Presenter: Maybe we should look at your first house. Perhaps that’ll give you a flavour for country living.

Fade

They are standing in the driveway of a detached house.

Presenter: What do you think?

Jam: It’s very impressive.

Semolina: It needs a bit of work on the outside though doesn’t it?

Presenter: On the contrary, the whole exterior was renovated by the present owners in keeping with the aesthetic of the surrounding area.

Semolina: What about that green stuff?

Presenter: That’s ivy. It’s a creeping plant that you often find growing on your typical country home.

Semolina: I don’t like it Jam. I don’t want my house to look creepy.

Jam: Don’t worry sweetheart we can rip it out, can’t we?

Presenter: If it’s not to your taste, I suppose.

Cut to a reception room in the inside of the house

Jam: This is nice and there’s plenty of space.

Semolina: What are these?

Presenter: They’re wooden beams.

Jam: Don’t like them. They don’t look right.

Presenter: But they’re original features! They must look right, they came with the house!

Semolina: You see they’re old.

Jam: They’ll have to go.

Semolina: And this?

Presenter: Now you must be impressed with this. Isn’t it fantastic? This is the fireplace that the first owners would have sat round 150 years ago, keeping themselves warm and cooking meals. What you’ve got is a bit of history here but the present occupants have given it a modern twist with the wonderful log burning stove.

Jam: Log?

Presenter: Wood logs.

Semolina: Wood again. There’s too much wood here.

Jam: Let me get this right. When we’re cold we have to burn wood to stay warm? Haven’t they heard of central heating out here?

Presenter: You’ve got central heating – see - a radiator.

Semolina: It’s not made out of wood is it?

Jam: It’s gotta go.

Cut to the master bedroom upstairs, incorporating a four-poster bed.

Semolina: Oh now this is what you call class!

Jam: This’ll do us love (Pats bed)

Presenter: And you have an en-suite.

Jam: Are the other bedrooms as big as this?

Presenter: They’re all very spacious. You’ll find this a really family friendly home.

Jam: Family?

Presenter: Your children, of course.

Semolina: What children?

Presenter: You haven’t got any children?

Jam: Give us a chance mate. The four-poster’s nice but I think I’ll wait for the camera crew to leave.

Presenter: Why the need for four bedrooms? Are any of your parents coming to live with you?

Semolina: God forbid can’t wait to be rid of them!

Presenter: Do you intend to have friends out to stay weekends?

Jam: No. Good riddance, bloody spongers!

Semolina walks toward the window

Semolina: Oh god! That’s ruined it for me now.

They follow her over

Jam: Absolutely!

Presenter: What’s wrong?

Semolina: The road.

Jam: Vernon, one of the criteria you was given was that we would not be near a road.

Cut to narrow country lane with a couple of sheep roaming

Presenter: But that’s the road we drove up. If it wasn’t there you wouldn’t be able to get to the house - you and your neighbours.

Semolina: Neighbours?

Jam: It’s all going pear-shaped all of a sudden

Semolina: But we said we didn’t want to be overlooked, we wanted privacy.

Presenter: I using the word neighbour in a very loose sense here. However that does provide me with a perfect excuse to show you the garden.

Cut to the presenter in close up with an expansive garden behind him

Semolina: (Out of shot) You can literally see everything they’re up to. Look!

Jam: (Also out of shot) And that barbeque smoke is completely blocking our view.

Semolina: I think I’m beginning to get a whiff of overcooked hamburger. I feel faint.

Pan across to Jam and Semolina who are passing a pair of binoculars to each other

Jam: Hey, are they naked?

Semolina: (Grabbing the binoculars) I think we’ll just have to keep looking, Vernon.
This house is just not for us. It doesn’t tick enough of our boxes.

Fade

Open onto presenter in the driveway of the house

Presenter: Well I’m a little disappointed that I couldn’t find Jam and Semolina
something suitable that they could just drop into, though I have been told there’s a fresh grave been dug in the local churchyard. Laughs So until next week it’s goodbye from Escape from the City.

Cut to the rear of the couple’s BMW as they drive away down the narrow lane past a cow

Semolina: (Voiceover) Mind that horse Jam!

Closing caption

Since this programme was made, Jam and Semolina have become avid fans of Little Britain and are subsequently looking to move to Wales, as next door neighbours to Daffyd, the only gay in the village.