Clockwork Executive

Clockwork Executive

It makes a change not to have to get into the car and drive 100 miles
for an appointment, it makes a change not to have to creep down stairs
for fear of waking the children and starting world war 3. Today I have
an appointment in Hull city centre only 5 miles away from my office and
not until 2:00pm - what luxury.

My appointment today is with a new company who have expressed an
interest in my products and services, so much so, the Chairman and
Managing Director of the company have elected to travel up from London
this morning for a meeting with my company and representatives from
another local supplier. They are establishing a call centre in Hull and
have leased some offices in the town centre were I will be
demonstrating some software for use in their business.

I cannot believe how much time I have today, I have already prepared my
presentation pack I do not have to do a major presentation at this
stage, I just need to show some software and discuss with them my ideas
and 'gel' with them and try to impress.

It is now almost 1:00clock and I feel I ought to make a move despite
the fact that it is only 30 minutes away I hate being late, especially
when they have taken the trouble to come to Hull from their offices in
the Kings Rd, Chelsea!

I feel right I have my best suit on, conservative tie and discussion
pack, time to get that business! I set off from the office just after
1:00pm and arrive on the outskirts of Hull in double quick time, I may
even be able to grab a coffee in the Station before we meet.

I see in the distance stationery traffic at the last junction before
entering Hull - oh dear - a traffic census. Shit - they tend to pick
one out of 3 so the odds are on my side - the time is 1:20 - never mind
even if I get picked I can still make it.

' Move over Sir' we would just like to ask you a few questions. They
are doing every other car! I leave the Census 6 minutes later and carry
on the journey. I can see another problem ahead the road is flooded -
we had heavy rain earlier and the drains cannot cope and all vehicles
are down to one lane leaving a tailback of cars. I guess the coffee
idea is out - 1:40 now still time to park and walk to the
station.

O.k. I am in Hull and I arrive in the Car Park it is 1:50 plenty of
time - no problem I walk to the Car Parking Meter - which is pay and
display. Shit they have put up the prices to 1.20 minimum charge - I
only have 60p in change - it is now raining again.

I walk back to the car believing I can locate change somewhere in the
car, it is now raining very hard and I run quickly and literally dive
into the car. No problem - I find two 20p coins and a 5p straight away
in the ash tray - I need to find some more coins quickly. I look under
my seat and under the passenger seat another 5p.

It is 1:55 I am beginning to feel tinges of panic - I search the
compartment in the middle of the car - oh shit - the toffees and wine
gums I had forgotten have produced a cocktail of sticky gunge which has
now claimed my right hand - in for a penny in for a pound - I delve
into my self induced disaster and find a 10p and several 5p pieces,
however, they have been mixed up with the melted cocktail and the coins
need intensive care to remove the mess.

I am seriously running short of time, I could just leave the car
without a ticket but the immediate fine is ?100 - do I feel lucky - no,
I move to the parking meter with my abundance of coins. I begin to feed
the coins one by one - there is something wrong - I fed in 1.20p but
only 1.05 has been registered - shit - one of the 5p's and a 10p must
have got stuck in the shute. This cannot be happening to me - I press
the reject button and they all tumble out some fall on to the floor - I
go to pick them up - it is Autumn and there are leaves on the floor I
collect the coins and my hands connect with the leaves and twigs on the
floor.

I now have an audience - I feed the coins in once more and they all
register except for the 5p - I bang the side of the meter as much out
of frustration as panic. I am beginning to feel very stressed out - it
is now 2:05 - I see the parking attendant walking over to investigate
why I am kicking the shit out of this parking meter - I try to explain
what has happened - The parking meter will now not reject my coins -
the attendant takes out his book and takes my name and address - he
tells me I will be reported to the council for damaging property - I
try to apologise to deafness - to no avail - I offer to pay the
attendant with a ?10 note.

He looks at me as if to say am I trying to bribe him - ' I do not have
any change' he says. My audience slowly disappears showing no sign of
compassion for my plight, they move to the other meter at the other
side of the car park. I have very few choices - I have lost my coins
stuck in the shute, I do not have time to walk into the town to get
change and no one is going to change a ten pound note. I decide to go
back to my car and see if I can clean my hands - no chance - the
Mcdonalds tissues I keep in my car just make things worse - my hands
look like shit - I look as if I have I have just been on street
cleaning duty without a brush.

I am now late - 2:10. It is raining quite hard now and I have to get to
their office for the meeting - I leave a note on my windscreen -
'Sorry, coins stuck in Meter attendant informed' - I lock the car and
run kicking a puddle as I hurry out of the car park, my shoe is now
full of water and I squelch as I run - I try to phone using my mobile
to let them know I am on my way - my fingers keep sticking to the pad
and I give up -

I arrive at their office and speak into the door access phone - they
let me - 'please go up to the 4th floor and sign in' - I am knackered
by the time I reach the reception desk - I do not look like a composed
businessman,

'Could you please sign in sir'

I pick up the pen which sticks to my hand - which is now revealed to
the receptionist - she looks at my hand - but says nothing - god knows
what she is thinking. I try to wipe the pen when I put it back, it had
a piece of tissue stuck to it.

Time to meet my prospective clients. Shit - I will have to shake their
hands. A rush of blood goes to my head and I try to wipe my hands again
I do not have time to go to the toilet I have already been announced -
I panic.

I walk into the room and apologise for my lateness - the first guy
offers his hand - I go to shake his hand and give him my wrist - which
looks like I am a member of the funny handshake brigade.

He looks at me a bit odd, I somehow manage to get away with not shaking
the other guys hand and I sit down at the desk which has a computer on
it ready for me to demonstrate the software.

I really do have difficulty with my hands - they do not look dirty -
but they are very very sticky and every thing I touch causes me a
problem. I load the software on their machine and operate the keyboard
and mouse with the greatest of difficulty - this is my worst nightmare
- the mouse will not respond correctly, the right click sticks to my
finger and I have to explain that I need to go to the loo before I
proceed with the presentation.

I finally get relief in the Loo - washing my hands.

I return to the meeting feeling like a million dollars, I feel like
shaking everybody's hand, however I concentrate on getting the job done
and getting out.

I finally return to my car - Yes - it has been clamped - with a notice
-'do not remove'.

This story does not have a happy
ending&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;.