5

When I was 13 years old I used to go swimming with my brother and sister every Sunday morning in the summer. I couldn't swim because because nobody had taken me swimming or bothered to teach me. Not wanting to be shown up, I would swim-walk. Basically I'd walk along and as did so, I would put one foot on the floor and I would lift the other leg up so it came above the surface of the water and then I'd carry on. In the middle of the pool was a huge inflatable monster, and all of the children would scramble on top of it. Part of it was within my depth, so I would pretend-swim over to it and climb on and jump off it over and over again with my brother. I loved it until the school bullies found out I was there and came along to be nasty to me. I didn't notice them hiding behind the inlfatable monster until after the event. But as I jumped off the inflatable monster into the water, the bullies dragged the monster over me until I was right underneath it, in the middle of it. I couldn't swim and I only had a breath of air in my lungs. Everytime I drew near to the edge of the monster and could see a way out, the bullies would drag the monster back over me again. My head started feeling fuzzy. I thought I was going to drown and I began to feel dizzy and panicky, when finally I hear the faint peep of the pool attendant's whistle and the monster was dragged back to the middle of the pool again. I was free! I stood up spluttering and coughing, gasping for breath. I hadn't even caught my breath when the bullies surrounded me, forcing me back under the water over and over again, laughing at me. The attendant blew their whistle again and they swam off, leaving me close to tears but unwilling to make a fool of myself. A "Smith" never cried and a Smith was never ill and a Smith would never give in, (as my dad would say)... I began to think I was adopted. I never went on the monster again and I avoided swimming during inflatables time altogether, (because that is when the bullies went there). I wished I could swim, I was jealous of the bullies for being such strong swimmers when I couldn't swim at all!

In a way the bullying in the pool helped me to net my first boyfriend, (maybe it was a blessing in disguise). I stopped going to the inflatable fun sessions and I started going to the normal swim sessions. Every weekend I noticed a fair haired, tall, slim, muscle bound man. He was an incredible swimmer and he would dive at the deep end of the pool like a pro. I would watch him swimming lengths in next to no time at all and he was fascinating to watch. I tried not to let him see me watching him. Because I fancied him I tried my sister's flirting tips. I began strutting around, puffing my chest out and sucking in my gutt, to try and make my body look more womanly. I had an hour glass figure with C cup breasts at the time so I didn't need to puff myself up like an idiot, but it worked.

Eventually our eyes met and he smiled from ear to ear. I thought he fancied my sister and was smiling at her because she was standing next to me. I never thought that anyone would ever be interested in me, the ugly sister. I felt my face burn as I blushed brightly, and I turned to look away so he couldn't see. I wanted a better look so I made my way across the pool until the water reached my shoulders. The muscle bound guy kept diving into the water over and over again, and each time he emerged with water running down his glorious body, he would smile at me. I was amazed! It WAS me he was smiling at, not my sister after all. Then he gave me a cheeky, lop-sided smile and plunged under the water. I waited for him to climb back up on to the side again but he didn't emerge. I stood rooted to the spot as seconds seemed like minutes, scanning the pool for him. The lights above reflected on the water and I couldn't see beneath. Just when I thought he must have drowned, and I was beginning to feel a sense of panic, I felt two hands grab my ankles. It made me jump and I let out a little squeal. The hands gently pulled my legs apart and I stood perfectly still as I someone slid themselves between them. Before I could even turn around, the smiling man had risen from the depths and was stood behind me, tapping me on my shoulder and wiping the water away from his face. At that moment in time it felt as though there was nobody else in the room. All I could see were these beautiful pale blue eyes, and this broad smile in front of me. I felt my heart race as we stood there silently, my face burning red again. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. Finally the handsome stranger broke the silence and said simply "I'm Jay!" Then he ducked back underneath my legs and swam off. I had absolutely no experience with boys before then so I rushed off to find my sister to seek advice. She spoke to Jay and she came back, telling me that he was meeting us after we had finished swimming.

When we left the swimming pool the sun was shining but there was a strong breeze which made me feel a little chilled. Jay was a perfect gentleman and he nurtured me into giving and receiving physical contact at my own pace. I couldn't have wished for a better man to share my first kiss with! We never got as far as going under the clothes. But it was a really lovely, gentle insight into finding out how to express affection through touch. I wasn't used to affection or cuddles but it felt wonderful and I wanted more!

Jay had been beaten by his father when he was little. Sadly he had got it far worse than I ever did with my mother. He had broken bones left right and centre, cigarette burns and all sorts, with the scars to prove it. His dad was a vile man. He drank heavily and he'd beat Jay's mum on a daily basis. When Jay would try to stop his dad beating up his mum, his dad would beat them both. Jay finally had enough of it. He started training himself up... Lifting weights, running, swimming and various combat sports, (that explained why he was so slim with such a good body). He trained hard and when he felt confident enough to do it, he stood up for his mum one last time. Jay beat his dad up badly and left him in a bloody mess on the floor. Then Jay dragged him out of the house and threw him onto the pavement where he threatened his dad, telling him... "If you step one foot inside this house again, I'll kill you! If you lay one finger on my mum again, I'll kill you! Now fuck off and don't come back!" His dad never did bother them again, but after that incident word got around that Jay was a "hard man," and people kept trying to beat him up all the time. Jay wasn't invincible, but he was an incredible fighter. It wasn't long before his reputation proceeded him and he didn't have to try to prove himself anymore. Jay had this hard man reputation and there were rumours of him wooing women for sex and then dumping them. I figured that there was no smoke without fire and eventually rumours and doubts got to me and I called the relationship off and stopped going swimming. We remained friends though, and we got on really well. It was as I say, a wonderful insight into how a relationship should be. He was protective, gentle, affectionate, honest, interesting, and ever the gentleman. He might have been all that, but there was something missing and I didn't love him, I just fancied him. Having a relationship with such a well known person gave me a new found confidence. I felt that if someone like Jay could fancy me, then other men might fancy me too!

Not long after I broke up with Jay I was playing football with my brother when one of the popular boys at school, (Dave), started talking to me and hanging out with me at the park. Eventually we went into a wooded area and we started to kiss. He undid his trousers and pulled out his penis. It was much bigger than I had imagined a willy to be, and I had no idea what to do with it. Slowly Dave guided me and within a few shakes he had an orgasm. The explosion of bodily fluids was something of a surprise to me and it made me jump. We both laughed about it and it was my first introduction to men's genitalia. It kick started something in me and i wanted to discover my sexuality. Suddenly I wanted to experiment and find out more about the human body and what it did. I started kissing a couple of my brother's friend. We'd grope eachother over our clothes and I'd try to guess how "big" they were and what it would look like. My brother soon tired of football and he turned to computers instead. I had nobody to hang about with and reverted back to book reading in my bedroom... Until I made friends with a girl called Samantha.

Sam lived up the other side of town where nobody knew me and nobody knew I was bullied. We met up with a group of lads who liked me for who I was. I went out with three of them one after another but I wouldn't say that they were proper relationships. They were investigating and using me as much as I was using them, under the guise of a "relationship." First of all there was Johnathon. He was a true gent but he was incredibly boring. One evening his friend Chris was walking me down an alleyway when we kissed. I had always fancied Chris and he was an amazing kisser. But we locked lips for a moment too long because Johnathon turned down the alley and caught us in action. I will never forget the look on his face, even to this day! He looked like a wounded puppy and I felt awful. I vowed never to cheat on anyone ever again. Knowing how I had hurt Johnathon made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I still feel bad about it all these years later! Me and Chris got together, but soon afterwards he split up with me to go out with Samantha, (karma).

After I had split up with Chris I went out with a lad called Nathan. One day he took me into a broken down old building and he pulled down his trousers. He asked me if I had ever given a "blow job" before. I hadn't given one and he had never received one so we thought we'd give it a go. Nathan had obviously pre-planned this idea because thankfully he was very clean. I didn't know what to do and he didn't know what I should be doing either, so he told me to blow!! There I was, on my hands and knees literally blowing into his penis. What can I say other than, "sex education doesn't tell you everything!" Despite this 'lack of technique' he reached orgasm quickly and I tasted his juices. It was vile! I tasted like dirty sea water so I quickly spat it out. When I got back home and told my sister about it she nearly wet herself laughing. She enjoyed taunting me about the fact I had blown instead sucked. Soon afterwards I ditched Nathan because he started dabbling in drugs and his behaviour changed completely. We had been hanging out in a mate's garage and we'd often drink and smoke. Drugs seemed the natural progression of things but I would have nothing to do with them. After someone slipped something into my drink and I had to be locked up in the garage for the night because I was talking to a motorbike crash helmet, (and indeed it talked back), I decided to stop visiting so often. Shortly after the crash helmet incident the boys found out that I was the most bullied person in my year and it out them off me. They were boys from wealthy backgrounds, they went to a private school out of town and they led competitive lives. To find out what they had been snogging and hanging out with humiliated them and they made excuses to not see me. I later discovered that some of the bullies from my school had found out the lads were hanging out with me. They came down and taunted the boys for going out with me. At first the lads tried to do the noble thing. It was evident that they were embarrassed by it though, so I did the real noble thing and I stopped meeting up with them. I started to hang out with Lynda, (a friend from junior school), instead. Once again I returned to my place on the shelf, and once again none of the boys would touch me with a barge pole.

My confidence nose-dived. Lynda understood me and she was bullied too. We became best friends and we would hang out together both in school and out of school. The bullies were so nasty to us that we would book a piano room to practice playing music. Well, that's what the teachers thought anyway. In fact we only ever tried to play music when the teachers looked in on us. We were in fact, hiding away from the bullies and we'd chat and eat our lunch together. Lynda had no confidence either, so we got on incredibly well. We were confident in eachothers company though. She would coax me into eating when the kids were bullying me for being fat and I refused to eat. I wasn't fat, I was just womanly before my time, but the girls didn't like it. Because the girls were jealous they bullied me and because the boys wanted to impress the girls, they too would bully me. They would trip me up and push me down the stairs, flick ink on my back, shout abuse at me and much more besides. They made my life hell! When I went back home my parents would bully me. When I went out I would get bullied too. I had nowhere to escape it, (other than when I went to Lynda's house). She was a lighthouse in the storm and I loved her like a sister. Lynda took me to watch her doing karate and her parents took me to a horse sanctuary. They would have me over for dinner and we'd eat sweets and drink shandy and pretend to get drunk. Then one day Lynda invited me to join a drama group, (nicknamed "the rats"). I was so nervous the first time I went, but it soon became an important tool in improving my confidence again. It was the one place we went to together that we could be ourselves and have fun, and nobody would bully us. It was like a family unit in a way. Everyone seemed so lovely and caring and I loved acting, (people told me I had a real talent). Going to rats once a week was such an important part of my life and I loved it... At least for a while... Until I met Martin.