Et tu, soror?

Grudges are an entirely absurd and unsustainable form of emotional sustenance - if you'll pardon the words I used there and will use henceforth, please do. My older sister tried to drown me. Whether she did so intentionally or not I couldn't, and still can't, tell. She has forgotten about it you see. Or so she says. Regardless of the intentionality of the attempted drowning, she still held my scrawny 8-year-old body under the water of the swimming pool we spent most of that Portuguese holiday enjoying. I say 'most of the holiday' because the time spent struggling against her hand and against mine own throat and ribcage was not, I imagine, why our parents had brought us along. Almost two minutes, I am sure of it. Struggling without help from any adults. Perhaps no amount of authority was capable of containing my sister's desire for my drowning (intentional or not of course); or perhaps my pale body blended in so well with the white tile bottom of the pool that all anyone saw was a 12-year-old girl trying to fish a pair of dinosaur-print swimming trunks out of the water; or maybe no faith should have been put in the authorities patrolling this area of Portugal at the time - if you know who what I mean. I remember I came up after a well-struck punch to her gut - for impending doom gives us strength - spluttering water out of my nose and mouth and probably from my eyes I was crying so much. Mum probably thought I was exaggerating when I took my spluttering to her, confused as to the amount of fluid flowing out of my face; Dad was probably disappointed I had got some water/snot/tears on the layer of sweat he had built up sun-bathing. My sister's attempt on my life went unpunished, so she never learnt not to drown people (an important and difficult lesson to be sure). She has forgotten about it. Who knows when she will strike next. Slipperier than the factor 8 oil coating my Dad that he was so annoyed I had cried next to.

Yet, I hold no grudge. I lived and still live. If anything I should thank my sister for taking me to the edge of the abyss, pushing me over into it, and scragging me by the collar as she decided last minute that I had some more living to do. A few seconds here or there are important. Thank god I did so much sport and was a good swimmer from an early age. Thank god I had had plenty of practice punching her in the gut prior to her happening upon a lust for floating cadaver. Grudges do not work. They take too much time and energy and get one nowhere but farther away from the place or person one wishes to be in or with. The person we want to be with. We do not decide their feelings towards us. They are a distinct entity, as confused and lost as we are no doubt, but separate at the very least. Then again, there might very well be a sequel to this where a man takes revenge on his older sister for nearly drowning him 12 years ago. Maybe. If so, I hope the accompanying apology for blatant hypocrisy will prevent the formation of any grudges toward me.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.

Death smiles at us all, but all a man can do is smile back.

- Marcus Aurelius.