iHell Chapter Four: The Welcoming Party

The Green Mamba was crossing dimensions with Steve Jobs, entering into Hell. This is a transcript of what was going on inside Jobs’s head:

I have a bag over my head and am being kidnapped by a nurse sexy enough to get away by persuading the security to go on a date with her. How incredibly embarrassing! I wish I was sexy enough to get away by persuading the security to go on a date with me. On the bright side, this is slightly less embarrassing than sitting in a dentist chair and having a masked man put iron hooks in my mouth. So things are not that bad really. Perhaps when I am ransomed I can still make a profit from that A FREE CORN DOG actor. I’d like a corn dog right now. Especially a free one.

Here’s a transcript of what was going on inside the Green Mamba’s head:

I don’t care too much for money....Money can’t buy me love. Can’t buy me loooovee....

The Beatles were not an invention of Hell. Neither was “Call Me Maybe”. The former was a natural progression of man, the latter something so sinister, evil, and corrupt even the worst demons in Hell could not dream it up. They dared not sing it, lest they be drawn into real evil.

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In Hell, Lucifer was talking to Baron Von (...), fresh from his running away from the Purgatory Heist.

“So,” said Lucifer, “Judas got fatally wounded, the Green Mamba was caught by security, and you just...ran away?”

“Yes sir, that’s exactly what I did.”

“Excellent job,” said Lucifer. “You will be awarded the Medal of Cowardice for your actions.”

“I live to serve,” said Baron Von (...). “However, there is still the small problem that Steve got away, and in all likelihood Hell is financially ruined.”

“You’re right...” mused Lucifer. “Perhaps we could get jobs doing something else.”

“But what? Senseless torture is what we know best!”

“Hmmm...you’re right. Do you know any senseless torture gigs that pay?”

“Well...dentists, pop stars, ooh, and gym teachers all get paid to be sadistic and evil.”

Just then “Call Me Maybe” started playing from Baron Von (...)’s pocket. ...Hey I Just Met You... Lucifer covered his ears and moaned. ...And this is Crazy... “I banned that song in all of Hell!” Lucifer groaned. ...But here’s my number... “What is it doing on your cell phone?” ...So call me maybe...

Not wanting to admit he liked the song, Baron Von (...) just answered the phone. “Hello.”

“Hey,” answered Judas Iscariot.

“Judas,” said Baron Von (...). “You’re alive!”

“No, I’ve been dead for 2,000 years, but I am coming back to Hell, and I need to brief you on a few things..”

“Do you have Steve?”

“I thought you did.”

“Hold on there’s someone on the other line.”

“Hello,” said the Green Mamba. “Things got a little hairy in there, but I got Steve.”

“Excellent,” said Baron Von (...) in his most malicious, evil, and chilling voice. And then, even more chillingly, “Prepare the Welcome Party.”

You could almost hear the Darth Vader theme tune from The Empire Strike Back.

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It was a few hours later, and now you could hear the Darth Vader theme tune from The Empire Strike Back. It was blasting from a stereo in the corner. Hell’s Party Committee had pulled out all the stops for Jobs. There were red and black and orange balloons filled with sulphur, there were imps offering all sorts of Soul Food. Yes, Hell was really into Soul Food. They drank and ate Soul Punch, Soul Skewers, Soul Kebabs, and Soul Biscuits. Oh, and there were also a few free corn dogs.

Steve Jobs was standing bewildered in the middle of this, as Lucifer, Baron Von (...), and Judas Iscariot explained the situation to Jobs. They had decided it might be wise to not invite the Green Mamba to the party.

“So, you see,” said Lucifer, “Our company policy of...of...”

“A FREE CORN DOG,” supplied Judas helpfully.

“...Is to kidnap all of our consultants. We were just following protocol when we knocked you out and dragged you out of Purgat...I mean, the dentist office that felt suspiciously like Purgatory.”

“I see,” said Jobs. “You’re fired.”

Lucifer laughed nervously. “No, I’m sorry Steve. Can I call you Steve?”

“No.”

“Mr. Jobs, you are only a consultant. You cannot fire me, the CEO of Hel-I mean a correctional facility with sulphur balloons.”

“Well I’m sorry Lucy-can I call you Lucy?” said Steve. “You are not the CEO, I am.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“I sold him the place,” supplied Judas helpfully.

“WHAT?” exploded Lucifer, or Lucy. Can I call him Lucy?

“That’s right,” said Steve Jobs. “And you have until 5:00 to be out of the premises.”

Lucifer was momentarily stunned. Then, “Was this contract signed by the Archan- I mean the I.R.S. with wings?”

“Yes,” said Judas smugly. “So get out. A FREE CORN DOG is in Jobs and my hands now.”

There was only one thing to do, though Lucifer. Stalk out and vow revenge.

So he did.

“So how soon can we start working on that shoe phone idea?” asked Jobs.

“I’m afraid we cannot,” said Judas. “You see, the author of the story is afraid of copyright infringement, so he has decided to censor all references to the shoe phone.”

“So we can’t use the *&%$ @#^%&?”

“Nope.”

“You’re fired too,” said Jobs.

Judas stared, open mouthed.
“You heard me. I’m the CEO now, and you’re fired.”

There was only one thing to do. Slink off and whine.

So he did.

Baron Von (...), who had stayed silent for the entire conversation, exercised his talent of talking at the right time “Can I show you around the place, Mr. Jobs sir? I’m so glad you have come to A FREE CORN DOG.”

“That’s another thing,” said Jobs. “That name has got to go. I should think of a new one.”

A rush of inspiration.

A flash of lightning outside.

“I know! I know what I shall call this correctional facility!” said Jobs triumphantly.

A hush fell around the room.

“iHell!”

Outside, over the endless SAT tests of torture, thunder boomed.