Bruce & Dick - PART 1

 

“Put on these Skeptacles,” said the Oracle. “They will help you to see the truth of the matter.”

 

“I don’t really think I’m a spectacles kind of guy,” said Batman.

 

“Skeptacles,” said the Oracle.

 

“Whatevs,” said Batman - but he put them on. Over his mask.

 

“I think you’re right,” said the Oracle.

 

...

 

Batman took the bus home.

 

...

 

Meanwhile back in the Batcave...

 

“Where is that Batman?,” said Robin. “He’s going to be late for his tea!”

 

Batman arrived, in a flurry of bats and a swish of black cape.

 

“Do you have to always enter so dramatically?,” said Robin.

 

“I’m Batman,” said Batman. In that way that he does.

 

Robin tutted and rolled his eyes.

 

“When’s the Batmobile going to be ready?,” asked Batman of Robin. “I’ve had enough of getting the bus to work.”

 

“They said it would be a quick job and they’d let us know within the week,” replied Robin.

 

“It’s been two,” said Batman.

 

“Do you want me to chase the garage?”

 

“Does Superman look exactly the same as Clark Kent, but without the glasses?”

 

“I’ll get onto it right away.”

 

...

 

Meanwhile at the lair of the evil supervillain (who may or may not have been called ‘the Joker’)...

 

“Have you managed to yet discern the location of the self-proclaimed vigilante they call ‘the Batman’?,” asked the evil supervillain of his evil henchmen.

 

“Beg pardon, sir?,” said evil henchman Bob.

 

“Where is the Batman?!,” said the evil supervillain (who may or may not have been called ‘the Joker’).

 

“Just Batman, sir,” said evil henchman Bob.

 

“What?!,” said ‘the Joker’ (or not).

 

“Just Batman, sir. Not the Batman. Without the definite article.”

 

“What are you talking about?!”

 

“Nothing, sir.”

 

“You’re fired!”

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

The Joker (for ‘twas he) turned to the evil henchman who was called ‘Bert.’

 

“What about you!,” said the Joker.

 

“What about me what, sir?,” said evil henchman Bert.

 

“Have you found the Batman?!”

 

“Don’t you mean just ‘Batman’?”

 

“Do you want to be fired as well, Bert?!”

 

“Yes please, sir.”

 

“You’re f-!”

 

“Wait!”

 

“What?!”

 

“Nothing, sir, carry on.”

 

The Joker fired Bert, then turned to the third evil henchman.

 

...

 

“One and a half to the evil supervillain’s hideout, please.”

 

“I’ll need to see some ID.”

 

“What?”

 

“He looks older than sixteen.”

 

“It’s the mask.”

 

“Nonetheless.”

 

“Holy bus pass, Batman!”

 

“Shush, Boy Wonder, I’ll deal with this.”

 

“You can say ‘Boy’ Wonder all you like, I’ll still need to see some ID.”

 

“Never mind, we’ll walk.”

 

...

 

“Yes, boss?,” said evil henchman Barney.

 

“Have you found him?,” said the Joker.

 

“Who, boss?”

 

“The Ba-... Batman.”

 

“You mean the Batman, boss?”

 

“Close the door on your way out.”

 

“Yes, boss.”

 

...

 

“We could have afforded two adult fairs, Batman.”

 

“It’s the principle, Robin.”

 

“Fair do’s, Batman.”

 

“Let’s just stop in here.”

 

Robin looked up at the Costa sign before him. “Holy caramel latte, Batman!,” said he. “Are we to find clues at the bottom of a coffee cup?!”

 

“What are you suggesting, Robin?”

 

“Um... nothing, Batman.”

 

“Good. Hand me your purse.”

 

...

 

Meanwhile outside City Hall...

 

The top police chappy (who might have been called ‘Gordon’) coughed into the microphone, then gave it a tap. The high pitched squeal which ensued caused faces to be pulled, groans to be groaned and firearms to be drawn from holsters.

 

“Sorry about that,” said Commissioner Gordon (for ‘twas he). “Now where were we?”

 

“You were about to tell us whether this self-proclaimed vigilante they call ‘the Batman’ is real,” said Reporter #1.

 

“Is that with or without the definite article?,” said Reporter #2.

 

“Shut up, Bob,” said Reporter #1.

 

“Alright, Bert,” said Reporter #2.

 

“Well I can tell you this!,” said Commissioner Gordon. “The so-called ‘Caped Crusader’ may or may not be real - but he’s certainly made a splash in Gotham City!”

 

“Commissioner Gordon!,” said Reporter #3, whilst waving his arm around like an eager schoolboy.

 

“No further questions,” said Commissioner Gordon.

 

“But Commissioner Gordon, pleeeeeeeeease! Pleeease can I ask a question!”

 

Commissioner Gordon looked at the important-looking woman standing beside him. She nodded.

 

“Go on then, one more question,” said the Commissioner.

 

“If the ‘Caped Crusader’ isn’t real, how can he be making a splash in Gotham City?,” said Reporter #3.

 

“No further questions,” said Commissioner Gordon.

 

...

 

“Don’t you think we ought to get going?,” said Robin, as Batman sipped on his cappuccino and nibbled on his brownie.

 

“Would you deny a superhero his crime-fighting fuel?,” said Batman.

 

“Certainly not, Batman. Only you said earlier that the Joker was about to do something more terrible than you could possibly imagine.”

“I did say that Robin. But I didn’t say when the Joker was about to do something more terrible than you could possibly imagine.”

 

“So when do you think the Joker will do something more terrible than you could possibly imagine?”

 

“Probably some time over the next few days.”

 

“Today, perhaps?”

 

“Probably not.”

 

“But possibly?”

 

“Dammit, Robin, can’t the Dark Knight take five minutes out of his schedule to have a coffee break?!”

 

“We’ve been here for forty-five minutes.”

 

“How time flies. Let’s go!”

 

…

 

“Dinner dinner dinner dinner, dinner dinner dinner dinner, Bat-maaaaaaaaan!”

 

“What are you on about, Robin?”

 

“I’m hungry, Batman!”

 

“You should have had something at the coffee shop.”

 

“I didn’t think we’d be staying for so long.”

 

“Oh Robin...”

 

The Caped Crusader reached into a pouch of his utility belt and pulled out what looked like a choccy bar.

 

“Always be prepared, Robin,” said Batman, as he handed over the ‘Batsnack’ to the Boy Wonder.

 

“Thanks, Batman,” said Robin, as he put the Batsnack in his pocket.

 

“Aren’t you going to eat it?,” said Batman.

 

“‘Never eat and run,’ my mom always used to say.”

 

It should be mentioned at this point that Batman and Robin, having spent a little too long in Costa, were now hurtling, in the manner know as ‘pell-mell,’ down the high street, capes all a-swish, causing much pointing and recognising and dramatic commenting from many a startled citizen.

 

“Your mother was wise, Robin,” said Batman.

 

“Not usually,” said Robin. “She spent most of her life watching X-Factor and reading the Daily Mail.”

 

“There is wisdom to be found in surprising places.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

They arrived at the lair of the evil supervillain (the Joker, that is).

 

“Holy suburban semi, Batman!,” said Robin, as his eyes fell upon the suburban semi that was the lair of the Joker.

 

“What is it, Robin?,” said Batman.

 

“I didn’t expect... well... you know... that it would be...”

 

“An average middle class abode on an unassuming cul-de-sac a couple of miles out from the heart of the city?”

 

“I was going to say, ‘my mom’s house’.”

 

“What?!”

 

“It’s my mom’s house, Batman. Or used to be, before she sold up and went to live with the Tesco’s delivery man in Majorca.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me this before, Robin?”

 

“Didn’t occur to me until we got here.”

 

“Well here is where we now are. So now we must do what we came to do.”

 

“What’s that, then?”

 

“Defeat the Joker and put an end to all his dastardly plans!”

 

“Oh that.”